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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that introverts don't need "bringing out their shell!" 🙄

228 replies

MrsVillanelle · 27/04/2022 13:50

Hi,

So this is something that has really irritated me recently. I don't really see myself as an extrovert or introvert tbh. Maybe somewhere in between. However, my dp is definitely an introvert, but a confident and successful one, which shouldn't really be seen as surprising or contradictive, but in our society, loud and extroverted characters, seem to be viewed as the ones who make it to the top.

I was watching an episode of Four in a Bed the other day and a couple of the contestants were dancing around and singing. One of the women looked happy enough, but didn't want to dance....which should be fine, but this other couple were saying quite seriously, as though she really needed their help "she's lovely, but we need to bring her out her shell a bit". I just thought, erm..why?! You actually hear that sort of thing all the time, but when you step back and think about it, how rude is that?! People don't need to be shouting, doing karaoke and dancing around to be "out their shell". These people may very well be out their shell and perfectly happy as they are.

Not sure I'm explaining very well why this annoys me so much 😂 but does anyone know what I mean?

It's such a bizarre way of thinking.

OP posts:
Mollymoo67 · 28/04/2022 12:06

Couldn't agree more. I'm an introvert and get this a lot (along with people declaring they don't know 'the real me' 🙄), it drives me mad. I'm not in a shell, I'm just me.

TheOriginalEmu · 28/04/2022 12:13

RampantIvy · 27/04/2022 15:31

This thread is in danger of turning into a thread of introverts who hate extroverts.

Why can't we all accept that everyone is different?

Or are the self proclaimed introverts a teeny bit jealous that extroverts don't tire of other people's company the way they do?

why would anyone be jealous of that? I don’t feel like that’s a positive or a negative thing, it’s very neutral.
i don’t hate extroverts, most are just people like me getting on with their lives as they see fit. It’s a very specific type of extrovert that annoys me, ie the ones who think there is something wrong with being happy alone and not requiring others to be content. Who badger me to come for dinner or come for Christmas and won’t let it go when I say no thank you. My dad is a prime example. He will not accept that I’m happy alone.

A similar type are they outdoorsy types who tell me that i will ‘feel better if I get out and have some sun’ or to ‘make the most of good weather’ and imply that there is something inherently bad about not wanting to go out.

If YOU enjoy company and going out, I’m happy for you. I would never dream of telling someone else they need to be more like me to be happy, and I just wish people would extend that same courtesy.

90sBritPop · 28/04/2022 12:14

Are introverts less concerned about external validation or something?

I wouldn’t say so but I’m no expert either.

I think a lot of social/cultural norms are geared towards extroverts (drinking/work socialising) which is why it seems this way.

Not always though, there’s probably an equal split when it comes to people dumbfounded why I don’t have children. I’m not dumbfounded they do, doesn’t bother me. For some people the ‘adult tick box list’ is so engrained they don’t see how others aren’t following it too.

What it IS is a confidence thing though. It took me until I was mid 30s to stop caring about this sort of thing. What people think and what others do. So I’d say it’s not an introvert/extrovert trait but one that shows you’re confident in yourself and very self-aware.

90sBritPop · 28/04/2022 12:17

MrsAvocet · 28/04/2022 12:03

Good point. Though in reality I genuinely don't care what they're doing. Nor do I really care what they think about me. They are welcome to think that I am boring, an object of pity, some sort of deviant or whatever as long as they don't do anything as a result. I don't need other people's approval on the whole, I'm very happy in my own skin. But when it changes into actions and people are actually trying to interfere with my life I get pretty annoyed!
I don't know much about the topic, but is that an introvert/extrovert thing? Are introverts less concerned about external validation or something? I guess I struggle to understand why my choices impact on other people as I don't view their choices as relevant to me. Well, not until they start chasing me round the office with tickets for things I don't want to attend anyway! 😁

Show quote history

I meant to quote this post in my last response about validation.

TurquoiseDress · 28/04/2022 12:19

Howeverdoyouneedme · 27/04/2022 13:52

YANBU. Those people need to get back in their shells tbh

Absolutely agree!!Grin

Ionlydomassiveones · 28/04/2022 13:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

pixie5121 · 28/04/2022 13:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Dacquoise · 28/04/2022 13:56

Mumoblue · 28/04/2022 08:58

YANBU.
I think a lot of more “extroverted” people who believe this seem to have trouble understanding that not everyone likes the same things they do.
My own mother is very extroverted, and expressed concern when I was a young adult that I wasn’t “going out and having fun” (aka going to clubs and drinking on the weekend). It took her years to understand that I don’t find that fun, I find it exhausting.

Its funny that it’s socially acceptable to tell introverts that they need to “get out of their shell” and it’s unacceptable to ask extroverts if they’ve considered toning it down now and then.

This really sums up the issue the Op has raised. Why the need to name and 'shame' introverts for not having extrovert qualities? Just live and let live.

Reallyreallyborednow · 28/04/2022 13:59

There's a pretty big middle ground between refusing to talk at all and making others carry the entire conversation (I agree - rude, immature and unacceptable) and not wanting to be dragged up onto a stage to sing along to Cliff Richard at the annual Christmas do, though

again though, introversion doesn’t mean shy. One of the best nights of my life was being dragged on stage in the west end. I was a performer in my youth and I always got comments at school about how odd it was that I was “so shy” yet loved getting up and dancing in front of audiences.

it actually made me feel like I shouldn’t be doing it? In fact as a child my parents put my extrovert sibling into acting classes because of her extroversion, but not me because I was “too shy”. I asked several times but was told I wouldn’t like it.

there’s a lot of assumptions made about introverts, and quite often we are made to feel “wrong” about not wanting constant human company or attention. Like the pp above who said her colleague “doesn’t crave the limelight” how does she know? Yes she may keep her head down and do a good job, but she may want recognition for that.

Badbadbunny · 28/04/2022 14:27

Reallyreallyborednow · 28/04/2022 13:59

There's a pretty big middle ground between refusing to talk at all and making others carry the entire conversation (I agree - rude, immature and unacceptable) and not wanting to be dragged up onto a stage to sing along to Cliff Richard at the annual Christmas do, though

again though, introversion doesn’t mean shy. One of the best nights of my life was being dragged on stage in the west end. I was a performer in my youth and I always got comments at school about how odd it was that I was “so shy” yet loved getting up and dancing in front of audiences.

it actually made me feel like I shouldn’t be doing it? In fact as a child my parents put my extrovert sibling into acting classes because of her extroversion, but not me because I was “too shy”. I asked several times but was told I wouldn’t like it.

there’s a lot of assumptions made about introverts, and quite often we are made to feel “wrong” about not wanting constant human company or attention. Like the pp above who said her colleague “doesn’t crave the limelight” how does she know? Yes she may keep her head down and do a good job, but she may want recognition for that.

It's up to the introvert if they want to be more outgoing, not up to the extravert to put pressure on them/bully them when they don't.

That's the thing with the extraverts, they think they're right and they've somehow got the upper-hand and can "cure" the introvert if they go on and on about it.

They can't. Some introverts can't be "cured", some don't want to be "cured". If they want to be left alone, then leave them alone!

RampantIvy · 28/04/2022 15:32

That's the thing with the extraverts, they think they're right and they've somehow got the upper-hand and can "cure" the introvert if they go on and on about it.

And the generalisations continue.

From reading this thread you would think the introverts were the morally superior ones and were always right.

I agree that there is a middle ground.

AnyCakeButBattenburg · 28/04/2022 15:39

I'm quite an introvert. I'm quietly spoken, haven't got much confidence, hate anything loud or crowded, and am quite happy to be with family or one friend. I don't like parties, but I prefer small groups and do join in conversations. I wish some people would stop trying to bring me out of my shell and would just fuck right off.

User135644 · 28/04/2022 15:47

It's an extroverts world. Introverts are expected to adapt to them

thelittlestrhino · 28/04/2022 16:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

You really do have a chip on your shoulder about this, don't you? Given that you're now irrelevantly spouting similar shite on another, lovely, thread about kindness.

Thank God you were ok with that! I can imagine some other person angrily posting in AIBU ‘CF stranger just got in my car whilst I was having a private cry. And I’m an introvert so it was doubly excruciating and offensive.’

DCD84 · 28/04/2022 16:07

YANBU OP. I hate this condescending attitude towards introverts.
I am fairly introverted, and it really gets on my tits when someone describes me as "shy". To me, "shy" implies social anxiety and being too scared to speak due to a fear of disapproval. I am none of these.

  1. I just despise making inane small talk with people I don't know, and 2) I am not deluded enough to think that my voice/ opinions should dominate and drown out everyone else's.

I like the PP's comments, about how some extraverts could do everyone a favour by going back into their shells.Grin

traytablestowed · 28/04/2022 16:15

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but there is a book called Quiet on this topic by Susan Cain which is super interesting (I read it as an introvert and felt so heard!)

Mollymoo67 · 28/04/2022 16:52

I totally agree. I get the impression that some posters who say they are introverts think they are morally superior by being quiet and "deep thinking".

This is such a tiresome old trope. I'm an introvert and I don't think I'm superior. I know lots of other introverts who also don't think they're superior. There are bound to be some introverts who think they are, but it's just as tiresome for introverts to be faced with this accusation as it must be for extroverts to be accused of being loud and OTT.

RampantIvy · 28/04/2022 17:14

Touché Grin

TheOriginalEmu · 28/04/2022 19:54

90sBritPop · 28/04/2022 12:14

Are introverts less concerned about external validation or something?

I wouldn’t say so but I’m no expert either.

I think a lot of social/cultural norms are geared towards extroverts (drinking/work socialising) which is why it seems this way.

Not always though, there’s probably an equal split when it comes to people dumbfounded why I don’t have children. I’m not dumbfounded they do, doesn’t bother me. For some people the ‘adult tick box list’ is so engrained they don’t see how others aren’t following it too.

What it IS is a confidence thing though. It took me until I was mid 30s to stop caring about this sort of thing. What people think and what others do. So I’d say it’s not an introvert/extrovert trait but one that shows you’re confident in yourself and very self-aware.

Exactly… like, for myself, I can’t imagine a world where I didn’t want children, it was so much a part of what I wanted I can’t imagine what it feels like to not want them….but I have enough emotional intelligence to recognise that for everyone who feels like I do about kids, there are just as many people who can’t imagine how it feels to want children badly. So I just occasionally think to myself, ‘oh yeah xxx doesn’t want kids, that’s unusual (to me)’ and then I just move on with my day without feeling the need to say anything.

pixie5121 · 28/04/2022 21:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

PlasticineMeg · 28/04/2022 22:02

I’m definitely more on the extroverted side, and whilst I don’t think anyone needs to come out of their shell, if you’re going to go to social events or, like in your example, go on a television programme, you should go with at least the expectation to have a two-way conversation. I actually find it rude when people sit at events saying nothing to anybody, hiding behind the “I’m an introvert” rhetoric. I’d MUCH rather have a slightly annoying extrovert, at least they make things interesting, than an introvert who is so much hard work that you feel like you’re speaking to a very shy child.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/04/2022 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Generalisation much? I'm an extrovert and don't think that. I think you mean SOME extroverts.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/04/2022 07:52

DCD84 · 28/04/2022 16:07

YANBU OP. I hate this condescending attitude towards introverts.
I am fairly introverted, and it really gets on my tits when someone describes me as "shy". To me, "shy" implies social anxiety and being too scared to speak due to a fear of disapproval. I am none of these.

  1. I just despise making inane small talk with people I don't know, and 2) I am not deluded enough to think that my voice/ opinions should dominate and drown out everyone else's.

I like the PP's comments, about how some extraverts could do everyone a favour by going back into their shells.Grin

Again, being an extrovert doesn't mean you enjoy making "inane small talk" or think their opinions are more important. That's not an extrovert, that's an arsehole. An extrovert is someone who simply enjoys and gets energy from being around other people.

Momicrone · 29/04/2022 07:57

Humans are generally sociable creatures and among some of the benefits, being sociable extends one's life, perhaps that's why it is seen as the norm, although I for one have never tried to get anyone to go out or do something they didn't want to.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/04/2022 07:59

I think a higher percentage of people are extroverted so that's probably why the world is geared more towards them. It's changing though, what with more jobs implementing working from home.