To think that introverts don't need "bringing out their shell!" 🙄

[MrsVillanelle]

Hi,

So this is something that has really irritated me recently. I don't really see myself as an extrovert or introvert tbh. Maybe somewhere in between. However, my dp is definitely an introvert, but a confident and successful one, which shouldn't really be seen as surprising or contradictive, but in our society, loud and extroverted characters, seem to be viewed as the ones who make it to the top.

I was watching an episode of Four in a Bed the other day and a couple of the contestants were dancing around and singing. One of the women looked happy enough, but didn't want to dance....which should be fine, but this other couple were saying quite seriously, as though she really needed their help "she's lovely, but we need to bring her out her shell a bit". I just thought, erm..why?! You actually hear that sort of thing all the time, but when you step back and think about it, how rude is that?! People don't need to be shouting, doing karaoke and dancing around to be "out their shell". These people may very well be out their shell and perfectly happy as they are.

Not sure I'm explaining very well why this annoys me so much 😂 but does anyone know what I mean?

It's such a bizarre way of thinking.

I thinking about this today strangely. I am leaving my job soon and I was going to send some colleagues thank you cards and presents. My favourite colleague is genuinely kind and thoughtful, but she is also extremely introverted. It took her years to come out of her shell with me, to be fair I am the complete opposite of her. I was thinking of writing in her card about how much I admire her not just for her kindness and thoughtfulness but because she doesn’t crave the limelight. She is a hard worker but doesn’t need to boast for it to be seen, she is happy with her partner, their cats and her family, she doesn’t want nor crave to be popular. Obviously I wouldn’t put all that in, but just let her know I admire her for not following the crowd. We are all different.

I think about the somewhat crass labels of introvert/extrovert as where someone gets their energy e.g. is it from being around people or more alone time. It’s not to do with shyness or confidence or volume etc.

Then I suggest you were actually the other way round?

I was thinking of writing in her card about how much I admire her not just for her kindness and thoughtfulness but because she doesn’t crave the limelight. She is a hard worker but doesn’t need to boast for it to be seen, she is happy with her partner, their cats and her family, she doesn’t want nor crave to be popular. Obviously I wouldn’t put all that in, but just let her know I admire her for not following the crowd. We are all different

yeah. Don’t. You have no idea what she craves.

but I guess the positive/negative association with being extroverted/introverted is because introverted people are hard work tbh - and they can come across as shrewd. Extroverted people are generally more liked because they seem to make an effort with people and value their company, and who wouldn’t prefer that to somebody who barely replies when spoken to?

extroverts can be fucking hard work. We have one at work and the constant chatter is distracting. Having to listen and respond all day to inane crap is hard work. Much prefer my fellow introvert where we can crack on in peace with the occasional conversation.

introverts are often seen as “hard work” by extroverts because they need to fill the silence, so work hard to maintain conversation, often where it isn’t needed.

what do you mean by introverts come across as shrewd?

Gosh I’d find a card like this really embarrassing and patronising.

I agree!

Being introverted isn’t synonymous with being shy.

Im an introvert. As has been said upthread, I get my energy from being alone doing yoga, exercising, reading, mediating etc. A night out at a club is my idea of hell.

But, I’m confident, outgoing and sociable. I’m a performer (singer) and my job involves presenting to large groups of people and networking.

I’ve had a line manager tell me that I was ‘actually quite shy’ because after a day at an event I wanted to go back to my room for a takeaway rather than head into town for a piss up.

@Organictangerine , I'm definitely on the introvert side, but like talking to people, just not full on day in day out. Need downtime to recover, big thinker etc etc. There can be loads of unrelated reasons why some people chose not to interact, nothing to do with introversion. My exH couldn't see the point of small talk in social situations. Doesn't make all extraverts'arrogant' like him.

My favourite colleague is genuinely kind and thoughtful, but she is also extremely introverted. It took her years to come out of her shell with me

There it is again, the ‘shell’ reference

YANBU.
I think a lot of more “extroverted” people who believe this seem to have trouble understanding that not everyone likes the same things they do.
My own mother is very extroverted, and expressed concern when I was a young adult that I wasn’t “going out and having fun” (aka going to clubs and drinking on the weekend). It took her years to understand that I don’t find that fun, I find it exhausting.

Its funny that it’s socially acceptable to tell introverts that they need to “get out of their shell” and it’s unacceptable to ask extroverts if they’ve considered toning it down now and then.

Because people are being rude about extroverts. Why is it acceptable to make snide comments about extroverts but not introverts?

Absolutely!

I'm an extrovert and I'd rather shrivel up and die than do your job! Actually I think extroverts probably work better as part of a team than solo in the spotlight. I need colleagues around me to motivate me at work, I can't work as well on my own.

Thinking about this a bit more, I suppose one of the things that bothers me is that I don't understand why other people are bothered by my choice of social activities etc. All those people at work who've tried for years to make me go to nights out- why? Why does it bother them that I don't want to go? What makes them think that they know better than I do about what makes me happy? "Oh you'll enjoy it when you get there." "You need to get out more." It's the same people trying to make me drink alcohol on the odd occasion that I do cave into the pressure and go to one of these things."Go on, you can't drink lemonade all night...have a proper drink. Let your hair down".
No. Really. I don't want to. I am not some oppressed individual who needs saving, nor am I defective and in need of a cure. Why can't you accept that and mind your own business? In what way does me making different choices impact on your life? Why does the fact that my idea of a good time differs from yours even matter to you? I don't go round trying to make you give up alcohol and go for long solo bike rides. You are a grown up and I respect your right to autonomy. Why don't you do the same?

Because, and this applies for many things, by not doing those things you are indirectly questioning their choices. It’s the same if you don’t want to get married or have children/do or don’t do xyz, people don’t like their choices being brought into question. That’s it really. By saying no you’re shunning the ‘status quo’ and some people don’t like an outlier 😉

Well said. I landed my dream job but didn't last the year out because most of the staff around me were exactly like you describe. They had pub quiz teams, a football team, a cricket team, had weekly nights out clubbing. It seemed the entire social life of the other staff was based around their office colleagues - none seemed to do anything with other people at all. All the "talk" in the office was what they'd all done last night/last weekend and what they'd be doing tonight/next weekend. The pressure on me to join in with their socialising was exhausting and very annoying, and it soon turned into bullying, abuse etc as I rapidly became the butt of their jokes for not joining in with their boozing.

Frequently heard on MN, that amuses me, are ppl self-IDing as introverts & then complaining that they don't get enough attention. They phrase this as "I want a one-to-one intense friendship/conversation not spend time in a noisy big group" because I'm "overwhelmed by groups" (ie, "I can't complete for attention in the group.").

Which is similar to moaning "those damn extroverts never shut up" which may be another way of saying "I want them to listen to me instead!" Yes I wonder if these people should call selves introvert or not. Shy extrovert is a thing, too.

Someone I know (colleague) has poor volume control. She is a glorious and happy introvert. She just turns very loud sometimes when talking -- I think she doesn't get enough practice.

She's also admirable in her ability to tune everyone out, stop boring conversations quickly & still be admired for her wit, resilience & good quality work.

Wow!

I do not want to be loud and obnoxious, like a lot of extroverts are

But most extroverts aren't loud and obnoxious .

They get their energy from being with people. I would class myself as extrovert because I enjoy engaging with people but I am quiet. I WFH quietly on my own and have a couple of Teams meetings a day, but I enjoy social interaction.

That is not being loud and obnoxious.

YY to previous posters saying that this can be a pile-on to extroverts. And I say that as an "introvert", if we're defining that as someone who needs to re-charge alone.

I like my own company, I need time alone but I can be pretty outgoing and I enjoy the company of others too. I have no problem with speaking up or giving presentations and the like. I'm definitely not shy.

Yes, there are those who would be thought of as 'extroverts' who demand the attention of others, who don't respect the boundaries/personal preferences of others and so on, but being an arsehole doesn't necessarily = extrovert, in the same way that extrovert doesn't necessarily = arsehole. Plenty of people around me are extroverted but they still recognise others as being different from them and this not being wrong or something that needs to be 'fixed'.

Well said@BrightYellowDaffodil.

I agree that people are confusing being extrovert as being a loud obnoxious arsehole.

So so true. I’m an introvert and happily so. The people who tell me to ‘get out more’ or to ‘be more sociable’ are usually the people who I would quite like to tell to shut up more, and stop being so irritatingly loud 😂

Good point. Though in reality I genuinely don't care what they're doing. Nor do I really care what they think about me. They are welcome to think that I am boring, an object of pity, some sort of deviant or whatever as long as they don't do anything as a result. I don't need other people's approval on the whole, I'm very happy in my own skin. But when it changes into actions and people are actually trying to interfere with my life I get pretty annoyed!
I don't know much about the topic, but is that an introvert/extrovert thing? Are introverts less concerned about external validation or something? I guess I struggle to understand why my choices impact on other people as I don't view their choices as relevant to me. Well, not until they start chasing me round the office with tickets for things I don't want to attend anyway! 😁