To think that introverts don't need "bringing out their shell!" 🙄

[MrsVillanelle]

Hi,

So this is something that has really irritated me recently. I don't really see myself as an extrovert or introvert tbh. Maybe somewhere in between. However, my dp is definitely an introvert, but a confident and successful one, which shouldn't really be seen as surprising or contradictive, but in our society, loud and extroverted characters, seem to be viewed as the ones who make it to the top.

I was watching an episode of Four in a Bed the other day and a couple of the contestants were dancing around and singing. One of the women looked happy enough, but didn't want to dance....which should be fine, but this other couple were saying quite seriously, as though she really needed their help "she's lovely, but we need to bring her out her shell a bit". I just thought, erm..why?! You actually hear that sort of thing all the time, but when you step back and think about it, how rude is that?! People don't need to be shouting, doing karaoke and dancing around to be "out their shell". These people may very well be out their shell and perfectly happy as they are.

Not sure I'm explaining very well why this annoys me so much 😂 but does anyone know what I mean?

It's such a bizarre way of thinking.

It's a good thing if introverts are confident about revealing their talents & making sure their perspectives and needs get heard. That's what 'bringing out of shell' phrase means to me. It's not about entertaining anyone or showing off.

Shy, non-confident introvert here.YANBU.

My teachers told me I had to put my hand up and speak more in class. My daughter gets the same. But we both kept/keep up at school and did well so what are they on about? My daughter can explain something in 20 words when an extroverted friend needs 100, but that's ok, we're all different. My daughter is shy like me so we do need pushing a bit to speak publicly in a group and she finds mutual friends rather than finding her own exclusive ones. Making initial connections is tricky. We both much prefer home than going out, though DD will go to her friends houses. We both like to spend extended periods alone. It's who we are and why should we try and change?

Wow, who knew extroverts were so touchy and defensive? Some of their posts in this thread are ridiculous.

Actually not true that marketting thing. It is a term used in psychology

I don’t identify as an extrovert, but I think the reason people get touchy and defensive on these threads is because people constantly equate being an extrovert with being loud, brash and annoying when that’s not what it means at all, if we’re using the actual definitions.
Introverts and extroverts can have a variety of different personality traits. Both can be loud and annoying, both can also be quiet and sensitive.

YANBU. I get annoyed by school reports which describe my son as 'quiet but...' as if being quiet would normally exclude the subsequent positive comment.

Absolutely. I won public speaking and solo singing competitions as a child. I've given presentations to massive audiences at conferences etc. Stuff like that doesn't bother me. But the idea of the ordeal by cheese and wine, and making small talk to other delegates at a conference after i've presented makes me feel physically ill.
It took me most of today to psych myself up to phone school to tell them that one of my children has a dental appointment next week but when they asked me in to give a careers talk i was fine.

I think there is a lot of confusion in some people about what extroverts and introverts are. It is not about how confident or shy, quietly spoken or loud, or even how well you interact with people. It is about an innate tendency to be more comfortable focusing on internal stimuli (your own thoughts) vs external stimuli ( other people ).
even extreme introverts can be in extremely confident - for instance there are great teachers that are introverts. But generally they will approach teaching as a “intellectual task” as opposed to a “social interaction”…they will likely spend more time thinking on how they can best convey the information vs thinking, as an extrovert may do more, of how to get a lively discussion going to get the messages across. Introverts can be very comfortable (as I am) addressing a room of 50 people, off the cuff, about a task based topic..but ask them (me) to go into a room of 50 people and make social chit chat and it is much more uncomfortable and stressful experience. Extroverts will thrive on that off the cuff social chit chat, but can be equally alarmed and stressed being asked to give a formal presentation to 50 people on a technical topic.
introverts will often become simply overwhelmed in large social groups where there are many people they don’t know if they are not given a defined task they are focusing on. It will literally mentally drain them…they do not have the head space to internally process the stimuli they are getting. In the same way if you put an extrovert in a room with no one else for 48 hours and no human interaction they will struggle.
there are generally more extroverts in the world. But most people are not an extreme of one of other and can cope in either head space for a limited period…this about preference..which is a natural preference. Most people, particularly if they are aware of their natural preference on the scale , learn many tricks and tools over the years to deal with their discomfort when in the environment they prefer, to the point that people can mistake a pronounced introvert as more extrovert

but this is very different from being quiet or shy. That has to do with a whole different set of psychological preferences or issues. Many people who are shy are simply expressing fear (a flight response) to unfamiliar people or situations. Once they begin to get to know people or that situation the fear starts to dissipate and they automatically become less shy and a little more involved and engaged. Shy adults are rarely shy around the people and places they know- just strangers . Quietness is usually associated more with people who are analytical rather than emotive- quietness is often that people just want time to think my re about something before they speak . We all know quiet people, who are relaxed and don’t say much, but when they do it is really insightful, commanding or interesting. You can have analytical extroverts or emotional introverts.

I would argue that in some ways the people on this programme “we need to bring her out of her shell” probably were going to be proved right. If the person they were talking about was shy, then yes as they interacted with her more , her fear would reduce and she’d naturally join in more and engage. Trouble is that those doing the bringing out them think they are right in that they personally solved her shyness. But they didn’t really, even just spending time with them on those multiple visits learning to trust them more, would have reached the same point anyway.

Emotive introverts not emotional introverts - though they can be that too 🤣🤣🤦‍♀️

Please may I borrow this?😂

At school or in a team that leaves everyone else doing the heavy lifting though.

🤣🤣🤣
but that is because they ARE, literally, introverts ..that’s the hope point of what it means to be an introvert…there’s a lot of deep thinking and analysing while the extroverts are interacting

Either this is the best wise crack comment on this thread (congratulations👏👏) or you are really not getting what introvision or extrovision is about 🤦‍♀️

So many people here are making snide remarks at those more outgoing than them: they are loud, their interactions are empty, crass, essentially stupid, while you self-diagnosed 'introverts' sit on the sidelines, wisely shaking your heads and sneering at them. Few of you sound comfortable with how you are. On this site, where people say 'I'm an introvert' , what the rest of us see is a person with poor social skills. Most of you clearly don't even know what introversion refers to.

Why is Myers Briggs nonsense? Having spent hundreds of hours researching it and being able to type almost anyone after a few minutes of conversation I can tell you that it takes a very long time to understand. And yes I’m an infj special snowflake (as are most female autistics).

Completely agree OP! Teachers were forever telling me I was too quiet, it felt like such a character assassination as a teen and did nothing for my self esteem, I felt like there was something wrong with me. As an adult I'm completely comfortable in my own skin, and love a good conversation with someone interesting who I connect with, but small talk is my idea of hell. Am determined that my children know that it's absolutely fine to be an introvert (or an extrovert of course, but extroverts already seem to know that!).

Yanbu. I have a quiet son who behaves well in school and meets his targets. Yet every parents evening a teacher will remind me that he's quiet and then suggests ways to bring him out of his shell. He is not chronically shy , just a bit of an introvert and I think he should be valued for that.

Except being quiet doesn’t make you an introvert, just like being loud doesn’t make you an extrovert. Extroverts can be quiet, and introverts can be loud.

Most people who score close to the mid point get different results when testing multiple times, even within a few days of testing. It's just like a Buzzfeed "which personality are you???" quiz, in that you answer yourself. It's not scientific in any sense, there's no way to validate it in real life terms.

How do you test the validity of your "typing" of others? Do you whip out the web page then and there after you've deemed them whatever? 😂

I am an extreme introvert, but have always worked in offices and commuted long distances.

Home working has been transformative for me- I realised how much being around others five days a week drained me completely.

Like a PP, I have a fairly senior specialist job with a high profile. I manage. It's all a huge act, but it is so, so draining and stressful.

I am fine company one on one, but anything more is too much. Awaydays and team dinners fill me with utter dread, and I will make excuses for optional social events if I possibly can.

I've just returned from an intense people filled day in the office and have that grey, out of body, exhausted and scattered feeling I remember so well.

Time to curl up in my shell.

I've just come back from a rare day in the office and I am absolutely shattered and stressed.

Yes same - I'm an introvert, DH somewhere in between. I have friends who are extroverts and I love how confident they are and love them for being who they are. However, sometimes that is not reciprocated as one of my closest friends (not much anymore due to lots of reasons) always tells me "you need to get out" "you need to let your hair down" - no what I need is for you to stop telling me what you think I need. Just because I don't go on full nights out, to big meals and parties with her doesn't mean I don't get out - I do get out, doing what I enjoy. I don't go telling her she needs to calm down or stay in more etc that's who she is and that's perfectly fine, just as I am fine being who I am.

YANBU. I don't need to come out of my shell, I just need people to back the fuck off away from my shell. I'm quite happy here thanks.

Of course I never say that out loud and to be honest I didn't realise I could just be happy in my shell until lockdown. It was quite freeing for me to have permission not to socialise, and realise the level of anxiety it was causing me constantly trying to pretend to be 'normal' and enjoy something which clearly I dislike.

My young kids are introverted and I hear the same things repeated to them "we'll need to bring them out of their shell". It's so annoying to have a part of their personality pulled apart in such a way. They are lovely, kind, happy kids, they're just quiet, they don't need to constantly be told they're at fault for that. I hope my DC don't feel like they have to pretend to be someone they're not.

Except being quiet doesn’t make you an introvert, just like being loud doesn’t make you an extrovert. Extroverts can be quiet, and introverts can be loud.

Exactly. People say I am quiet, but I love being in company and am a good listener. I'm not loud or attention seeking, but I am socially confident and can talk to anyone who wants to talk to me, but I know to draw back if someone doesn't want to talk.

Having said that, sometimes it is hard to determine whther someone is quiet because they are shy or quiet because they just don't want to engage.

DH is very much an introvert, and really doesn't like mixing very much, so we lead a quiet life most of the time.

Hmmm.

Nothing wrong with being shy, introverted or whatever you want to call it.

but I guess the positive/negative association with being extroverted/introverted is because introverted people are hard work tbh - and they can come across as shrewd. Extroverted people are generally more liked because they seem to make an effort with people and value their company, and who wouldn’t prefer that to somebody who barely replies when spoken to?

The 'negative ' association about introverts being hard work is the very thing that introverts object to. It's the generalisation that introverts are shy, quiet or lacking in social skills. I am able to start conversations and speak to anyone in a social situation. I find people fascinating and would consider it rude not to. It's about energy levels as previously mentioned. By contrast my 'extraverted' exH who was a salesman would attend social events and not utter a word all night. Now that's hard work!

Don't think you really know what introverted and extroverted mean.

Hardwork, shy and shrewd describe neither type of individual, either could be any of those things if you want to point out negatives. Nor is one decided based on how much effort they put in to friendships or value their friends company.