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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to cover up when breastfeeding?

121 replies

sparklygothkat · 10/01/2008 11:40

I find it hard to bf when covered up. but last week, my sil insisted i covered up while at her house, in case it embarrassed her son ( who actually spent all his time upstairs with my DS1) I get hot and bothered with a blanket over me...

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklygothkat · 10/01/2008 12:48

I don't just whip my breast out, I do it so that Callum is in front of my breast and you cant see anything

OP posts:
verylittlecarrot · 10/01/2008 12:49

I think it's best to decline invitations from people who have issues with bf. I was a bit stuck at my uncle's house, and the situation was very sensitive (my aunty had recently died) so I didn't make a big deal out of it.

But I wouldn't go to anyone's house a second time if they expected me to be banished, or to stick a blanket over my dd'd head!

I'm happy to explain that such requests make me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, so I'll politlely decline. And stick to visiting friends and rellies who treat me with a little more consideration. And of course they are welcome to visit me at my home. Their house, their rules, of course, but since their rules are not acceptable to me I will be affording them the same consideration of not embarrassing them in their own homes with my very presence.

kinki · 10/01/2008 12:49

YANBU. I had the opposite experience at my SIL's house recently. My nephew is 16. When I said I needed to feed ds, he stayed in the room, asked if I wanted a cushion to get more comfy, entertained my 2yo who was wanting attention, and afterwards asked if he could take him for a cuddle. He wasn't embarrased at all (wouldn't have seen much though) and until reading this thread it didn't occur to me that he might have been. Guess you can tell which kids will grow up to be supportive of bf.

MsSparkle · 10/01/2008 12:49

Oh well my friend just whipped her breast out!

BarefootShirl · 10/01/2008 12:51

I'm with Lucyellensmum on this - I bf both DS & DD and had no issues with doing so wherever and whenever the situation - it's perfectly natural and although I wasn't deliberately flaunting there were inevitable occasions when family, friends, strangers all got to see my boobs. Never encountered any real issues although FIL used to avert his gaze but then look again as soon as politely possible . SIL had no issues with her 13yo son seeing me - and nor did he. To be fair, close friends and family often encounter me topless when they call round anyway as I often don't have much on at home so it was probably less of a surprise to them, but I still don't see that anyone should be offended by bf either in their home or in public.

LoveAngel · 10/01/2008 12:51

I think it's strange to want to 'protect' your child from seeing something as completely natural and inoffensive as BF-ing. However, we all know that there are some weird attitudes to BF-ing out there, don't we? I didn't BF for very long, so only had to deal with a tiny baby (easier to be discreet thanwith a long-legged toddler, I would imagine), but I generally breastfed openly in my house and the houses of friends and family, but was more discreet in public places. That was mainly because I couldn't be dealing with the funny looks and having to defend my actions to weirdos who don't like to see a mother feeding her baby. Others are braver, I know! In short - YANBU.

VictorianSqualor · 10/01/2008 12:52

See, I don't think it's being unreasonable to be peeved at someone expecting you to cover up, but breastfeeding isn';t everyones cup of tea (much as I wish it was) and I think if you're going to make someone you care abotu feel uncomfortable then working round it is just courtesy surely?

If you're in the street and some moron has a problem, then fair enough, hold your head high and think 'fuck you', I have and will again, but if someone who actually means something to me and my family is uncomfortable with it, then I would be pretty rude not to take that into consideration IMO.

I'd imagine SIL felt uncomfortable and used her DS as an excuse rather than offend you. (or tried to).

Notyummy · 10/01/2008 12:53

Oh Kinki, bless your nephew, he sounds like such a NICE young man...

verylittlecarrot · 10/01/2008 12:58

I actually have sympathy for other's embarrassment, to a point. What I mean, is that if you never see something, and if society has conditioned you to think it's weird or rude, you almost can't help the embarrassed feelings, it's an unconscious reaction.

What I hope for, though, is the consideration of others and the conscious effort to overcome one's instinctive reactions, because one knows it is NOT shameful or rude, just an unfamiliar sight. And that one's illogical issues with something should be swallowed.

And I have found that quietly getting on with it and not making a big deal about it has helped some of my family and friends just get used to it, to the extent that now they don't bat an eyelid, wheras I'm sure they felt a little strange at first!

Rantmum · 10/01/2008 13:02

I used to use a very light weight scarf so that baby could breathe and I wouldn't get too hot when I had to bf with company over. But then, I am a bit of a prude. I think that you have to do what makes you comfortable, but of course remember that what makes you comfortable may not be the same for everyone and it is always worth being considerate if people are very uncomfortable. I would not want to bf openly in front of a hormonal teenage boy if that was the very first time in his living memory he had seen it done. I would consider it my job to feed my baby, but not my job to "re-educate" a teenager at a very complicated time in his life !

MsSparkle · 10/01/2008 13:03

I get uncomfortable if women expose their boobs anyway. When i had my piercing done the woman who done it decided to lift up her top and show me her nipple piercing! I was very embarrassed.

So it's me, nothing wrong with bf, it's me being silly and it's my problem so it's up to me to sort it out. Women shouldn't have hide away when bf just because i am uncomfortable with it.

kinki · 10/01/2008 13:03

oh yes notyummy he's great, he's lovely, clever and a good looking lad too. Just the sort you'd like your own to grow up like, but secretly deep down, you know it probably ain't going to happen!

crapcook · 10/01/2008 13:05

Regardless of how old her son is, your SIL has a level of responsibility to show him that bfing is nothing to be embarrassed about and that you shouldn't be hidden away. YANBU.

One of my louder, more confident friends would always pull her top down so you could see her full breast and we would be out at cafes or in the park so everyone used to look (and you couldn't miss it). Even though it was pretty hard to have a conversation without her boob being in your face, I wouldn't ever say anything to her about it...esp if she was a guest in my home. Why she chose to do it that way is entirely her own business. What matters most is that she was breastfeeding her baby.

Good on you with the bfing.

verylittlecarrot · 10/01/2008 13:05

I think I'm sort of agreeing with you, VS. In that my consideration of others extends as far as not doing something in their own homes they object to. I'd simply not go again to a house which made me so unwelcome. They are entitled to have issues in their own home, but I am not obliged to be made to feel awful and embarrassed there.

Personally I'd retreat to another room and probably stay there. It generally becomes apparent to the host that they have made their guest feel banished.

FrannyandZooey · 10/01/2008 13:08

oh fgs

breasts are not evil

they are not going to corrupt her son

jesus

if he doesn't like it he could go in another room, which is what my FIL does

I would not go to someone's house if I was not welcome to bf my baby there

verylittlecarrot · 10/01/2008 13:09

MsSparkle - I think your attitude is wonderful. I wish more people were as thoughtful as you.

Original poster
sparklygothkat · 10/01/2008 13:09

oh callum is 16 weeks old, but the size of a newborn ( was prem.) so very easy to feed and not flash my boobs..

OP posts:
onebatmother · 10/01/2008 13:09

I'm tempted to go for DC3, JUST so I can sit in someone's else's sitting room entirely topless.
No, strike that, entirely NAKED is better I think, don't you?

YANBU, it's ludicrous (and reveals very poor hostess skills...)

I didn't cover up when my DC's pulled away - it's only a bleedin nipple that's been feeding a bleedin baby!

Gosh, people ARE odd about it all, aren't they?

newgirl · 10/01/2008 13:10

i breastfed two babies so big fan - fed them out and about etc

but i do think her house her rules - basic manners

i dont agree with her point - but it is her point to make

out and about - well, i think id probably say something to her if she said anything again - its ok no ones looking or 'ive chosen a quiet place, its perfectly fine'

Original poster
sparklygothkat · 10/01/2008 13:11

her husband reads 'the sun' so her son must see the page 3 girls.

OP posts:
onebatmother · 10/01/2008 13:12

In fact, I think entirely naked, AND ask others to do the same so that I don't feel uncomfortable.

UniversallyChallenged · 10/01/2008 13:12

I have bf all mine and dont know why you wouldnt want to cover up. I view it as a 2 person activity and hate it when others are looking.

verylittlecarrot · 10/01/2008 13:12

Also, am not above announcing

"am going into other room now to feed baby.
anyone fancy keeping me company?"

in hopes that entire company of guests will up and join me bar people with ishooos.

Makes point nicely.

verylittlecarrot · 10/01/2008 13:14

onebatmother

onebatmother · 10/01/2008 13:15

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the page 3 point sparkly.
We are profoundly ambivalent in this culture about what breasts are for. In fact, we're profoundly ambivalent about what women are for.
Page 3 presents a version of womanhood which is challenged by the version that uses breasts to BF.

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