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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling resentful towards my brother about his easy life?

218 replies

MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 14:38

I have a 35 year old brother who recently moved back to the UK after living in California for 13 years, he recently told me that he's just retired which completely shocked me. I knew him and his wife made great money while they were in the states (they paid for me and my parents to visit a few times) but I had no clue just how wealthy he is. He told me him and his wife have over £5m in investments and just live on that now! They have no children and no plans for any so their days basically just consist of gaming and watching Netflix and playing with their dog, that's in contrast to me who has 3 children and can barely pay the bills! I love my brother and he's never been anything but lovely to me and my parents but I just can't help feeling resentful about his incredibly easy life AIBU

OP posts:
Montuaklighthouse · 26/04/2022 14:39

Hard not to feel very envious of that!

Indicatrice · 26/04/2022 14:42

Envious I could understand, but why resentful?

It sounds like you think he should be giving you handouts. He doesn't you anything, OP.

Ragwort · 26/04/2022 14:44

Maybe resentful isn't the right word? Presumably they worked to achieve that sort of level of financial security, and made a conscious decision not to have DC?
My younger DB is retired, (no where near that sort of money though!), I am not resentful, he made his choices in life and I made my mine. Personally I wouldn't want to sit around watching Netflix and playing with a dog all day .... that could get quite tedious.

mubarak86 · 26/04/2022 14:45

Envious and very proud of him yes, but resentful, no. Unless there's a backstory that he made it big by usurping inheritance that was meant for you or something similar.

Clymene · 26/04/2022 14:48

So you're resentful of your brother for making different life choices to you?

Why?

sst1234 · 26/04/2022 14:48

How did he do it? Did he work towards getting some qualifications or starting a business? Did he make some sacrifices with his time and money and took risks? If he is a self made success story, then that’s great. More people should do the same.

Shoxfordian · 26/04/2022 14:49

Would you rather he had a hard life?

yabu

Sortilege · 26/04/2022 14:50

No I can’t imagine resenting that. Envying it, maybe, if I was slogging away and struggling.

rahjama · 26/04/2022 14:50

Yeah, YABU.

Why shouldn't he enjoy his life just because you're struggling to pay the bills. That's not his fault?

Jealous, absolutely. Resentful, no.

SleeplessInEngland · 26/04/2022 14:51

Look on the bright side - if you involve him with your kid as much as possible they could get a nice inheritance down the line. 😉

Sortilege · 26/04/2022 14:51

Even then, I wouldn’t envy such a dull life. Maybe they’ll do something new when inspiration hits?

Original poster
MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 14:51

envious is a better way to describe it, I think with my own situation (I'm stable financially but absolutely no luxuries) it feels strange to see someone who I'm so close to living a life that I could only dream of.

OP posts:
ChairCareOh · 26/04/2022 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

whumpthereitis · 26/04/2022 14:52

He made his choices in his life, you have made yours.

He’s done nothing wrong. You say he’s a lovely man, and from what you’ve said he seems happy, so good for him. If you’re unhappy, can you not look at what options are available to you to improve your situation?

Envy is a poison, it will only hurt you. If there’s more you want in life, let that want motivate you to strive for it. Don’t wallow in resentment.

grapewines · 26/04/2022 14:52

He made smart investments and different choices, and he sounds generous (since he paid for trips).

Envious I get but resentment is unreasonable, and if you let it fester it will ruin your relationship with him.

fossilsmorefossils · 26/04/2022 14:53

I'd rather have 3 children but there you go, as long as he's happy with his life.

I'm guessing you mean envious and not resentful? No reason to not be happy for him. He sounds like a generous brother if he paid for your travel to California. Lots of people are rich and you don't think about them, just this one happens to be your brother. No reason to put any more thought into his finances than other people who sre rich.

Original poster
MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 14:54

Him and his wife both worked in tech, there was certainly some luck involved such as his wife being an American citizen allowing them to live there and make more than they ever could here but other than that they just made great decisions with the high paid jobs they had.

OP posts:
OnoNotagain · 26/04/2022 14:54

In a pretty similar situation, except my sibling still lives in the USA. I'm actually extremely proud of what he's achieved, given we both had the same, very normal, start in life - lived in a three bed semi in an ordinary town, parents in low wage jobs, state education, holidays in Devon once a year etc.

whumpthereitis · 26/04/2022 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

They’ve only recently moved back to the UK and retired. There’s a good chance they’re taking the opportunity to decompress and enjoy doing absolutely nothing for a bit. It doesn’t mean that’s the only thing they’re going to be doing with their lives.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 26/04/2022 14:56

I voted YABU to feel resentful, but I think you know you are.
I'm sure it's tough not to be resentful when you're struggling, but money isn't the be-all and end-all. You never know how other people are struggling. Your brother seems very generous, and obviously worked hard to achieve that. Try be happy for him, what they say is true - Comparison is the thief of Joy.

worraliberty · 26/04/2022 14:57

whumpthereitis · 26/04/2022 14:54

They’ve only recently moved back to the UK and retired. There’s a good chance they’re taking the opportunity to decompress and enjoy doing absolutely nothing for a bit. It doesn’t mean that’s the only thing they’re going to be doing with their lives.

Show quote history

Absolutely. Plus I bet they do way more than the OP states.

I mean how would she even know what else they do? It's not like they have to email their weekly schedule.

Marvellousmadness · 26/04/2022 14:58

He has money and an easy life
But he worked hard for it
You made different choices but that ain't his fault
Dont hate him for it. He sounds pretty great considering he paid for you all to fly to the US and all that.

I think you are probably more angry with yourself and the choices you made vs being resentful to him

But look . Even though he might not have financial hardship and seem like life is a breeze for him... dont be so sure. We all come with baggage and trauma and God knows what else.

dreamingbohemian · 26/04/2022 15:00

But that was your choice, to have 3 kids and a more conventional life.

Envy usually comes along when there's something you resent about your own life. Do you have regrets? Are you subconsciously unhappy about something? Because otherwise I would think you'd just be happy for your brother and delighted to get some free trips to the US.

Namenic · 26/04/2022 15:06

Yabu - he sounds like a nice person. People just have different lives. Just try and muddle through. I’m relatively low paid compared to my siblings - but have a good standard of living and we’re close. I could have made choices to increase my salary and still can now (eg to retire early) - but I think I’d rather have a good work life balance and family time. In US often the salaries are higher but they have less holiday.

oliviastwisted · 26/04/2022 15:07

I genuinely would not be envious of that lifestyle in any way. I’d much prefer your lifestyle which is much more like my own. Kids and a nice job much better than gaming and Netflix to pass the time imho.