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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling resentful towards my brother about his easy life?

218 replies

MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 14:38

I have a 35 year old brother who recently moved back to the UK after living in California for 13 years, he recently told me that he's just retired which completely shocked me. I knew him and his wife made great money while they were in the states (they paid for me and my parents to visit a few times) but I had no clue just how wealthy he is. He told me him and his wife have over £5m in investments and just live on that now! They have no children and no plans for any so their days basically just consist of gaming and watching Netflix and playing with their dog, that's in contrast to me who has 3 children and can barely pay the bills! I love my brother and he's never been anything but lovely to me and my parents but I just can't help feeling resentful about his incredibly easy life AIBU

OP posts:
Rrrunrunrunrunrun · 26/04/2022 15:12

Similar situation here. 2 DC and another one (surprise) coming in Aug. We can’t afford 3 x childcare so I will have to give up my career. Our house is too small as it is and we haven’t been on hol abroad for years. Younger Dsis has married a millionaire and they are currently taking a 2 week break from their 12 month round the world trip to view ££ houses in London.

I would love to be as comfortable as them but wouldn’t trade my family for the ££. I totally understand how you feel and that it’s frustrating!

JanisMoplin · 26/04/2022 15:14

I am going to assume nobody forced you to have 3 kids.

GreekGod · 26/04/2022 16:01

Kind of similar situation here with my brother but financially, we are not struggling though and easily pay our bills but nowhere near as financially comfortably as DB and SIL who no longer work and are extremely comfortable. We have 3 teenagers which is a lot but we chose that life with DH. My DB and my SIL chose not to have our lives. I adore my brother and my SIL is lovely. They are extremely generous when it comes to my parents and SIL parents which I really respect as I would have done the same in their shoes.

I don't feel resentful at all and he's my only sibling and I love spending time with them. I am really happy for them. They don't have the stress DH and I have and they are really comfortable - good for them. They are such great company. Sorry OP but the resentfulness comes solely from you (no-one forced you or I to have 3 kids) and you need to keep it in check otherwise it will affect your relationship with them. Have seen it many times with extended family and friends as there is always one sibling more wealthy than the others.

Blossomtoes · 26/04/2022 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

It’s sad, isn’t it? They could have 60 years of that, what a waste of a life.

EL8888 · 26/04/2022 16:02

I’m sure he’s worked far for what’s he’s got, even if he had some luck along the way. No one made you have 3 children

carefullycourageous · 26/04/2022 16:04

I know what you mean because work is a bore, but you have three children and he has money.

JanisMoplin · 26/04/2022 16:07

My BIL works in Silicon Valley in a very flexible job, has plenty of money plus 3 kids, a fantastic house, a great lifestyle, a dog, and lots of lovely holidays. I think he deserves all of this because he and his wife worked and studied hard for it.

Alteredcarbon45 · 26/04/2022 16:08

Meh, I'd have loads of money and free time too if I didn't have kids. Surely everyone would. You make your choice, you deal with it.

CounsellorTroi · 26/04/2022 16:10

YABU. He made his choices, you made yours.

onlywork55 · 26/04/2022 16:10

I would definitely feel envious of this ! Given the choice though I’d still rather have three children.

vivainsomnia · 26/04/2022 16:11

Not having children offer you so much more opportunities. Your career becomes your 'baby', you dedicate everything to it, all you time, efforts, energy and just like parenting, some of it is shit, some is great.

Personally, I wouldn't exchange my life as a parent for a life of the riches. My kids make me feel emotionally rich.

JanisMoplin · 26/04/2022 16:12

God would be so bored gaming and watching Netflix all day. I have plenty of time now to do both if I so choose, but I can't think of anything more tedious. I like leisure, but only if there is some contrast to work, if you know what I mean. Just undiluted leisure might be dull.

ForeverLooking · 26/04/2022 16:13

YABU to be resentful. He sounds like a nice person who has paid for you to visit, has made some good decisions when it comes to money and is living life as he enjoys it. I would do exactly the same if I could. I can understand envy, but to feel badly towards him over this is awful. Imagine it was the other way around and he said he resented you for having three kids and not making much money and living nearer to the parents.
He's made his choices in life as you have made yours. Neither bad or wrong, just different.

GCautist · 26/04/2022 16:17

I totally understand feeling envious and yes even to a degree resenting him, it’s not rational but it is how you feel.

I’m disabled and unable to work, every day is a struggle, it’s physically and mentally painful and I’m always scrimping and saving and cutting back to afford basics for my kids.

I worked hard in school, I worked hard in university and as soon as I graduated my life turned to shit as I got very ill. I will never get better.

My brother has sailed through life, never having to work hard for anything. He’s very competent and clever so he he talks his way into jobs he’s not qualified to do because he learns quickly and has the gift of the gab. He now earns 7 figures and lives a very comfortable life.

He doesn’t understand why I can’t split a bill on a meal (hence I’d don’t actually go out to dinner with him) or why I refuse to pay half the bill when I had a glass of water and him and his wife had multiple rounds in a bar)

its hard when you work just as hard to keep your head above water to see someone like a magnet to success.

claretblue79 · 26/04/2022 16:21

Agree with people who said a waste of the rest of his life. Could be doing so much with his time and wealth to help others. I wouldn't be envious, OP, he sounds completely self-absorbed

ForeverLooking · 26/04/2022 16:24

For all those saying they would be bored, I'm pretty sure they don't JUST watch netflix and game and have other things going on like we all do. Maybe after years of hard graft they are enjoying the downtime and planning to make other investments/do other things soon. Maybe they do far more than the OP realises. Maybe they look at people with kids and think god, I couldn't think of anything worse than spending my day wiping arses and playing taxi 🤷‍♀️ I love my kids and wouldn't change my life with them, but I can appreciate the freedom and worth of a chosen childless life! It's fairly insulting to imply you have no worth if you don't reproduce.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 26/04/2022 16:27

Yes you are.

It is pointless and debilitating spending time being resentful.

I understand its easier to feel that way, all of my siblings have done well through career, marriage, investments.

I am not jealous of them. I keep up with Christmas and birthday presents like for like but never go abroad or have fancy weekend breaks with them, they go together.

Tbf they're never really happy or excited about these things whereas I'm happy with far less and appreciate far more.

Blossomtoes · 26/04/2022 16:35

Maybe after years of hard graft they are enjoying the downtime

How many years of hard graft can you have had at 35? 😂

JanisMoplin · 26/04/2022 16:37

I don't think anyone said they must reproduce to have worth? Anyway, that was not what I meant to say. I have plenty of child free friends.

oliviastwisted · 26/04/2022 16:48

ForeverLooking · 26/04/2022 16:24

For all those saying they would be bored, I'm pretty sure they don't JUST watch netflix and game and have other things going on like we all do. Maybe after years of hard graft they are enjoying the downtime and planning to make other investments/do other things soon. Maybe they do far more than the OP realises. Maybe they look at people with kids and think god, I couldn't think of anything worse than spending my day wiping arses and playing taxi 🤷‍♀️ I love my kids and wouldn't change my life with them, but I can appreciate the freedom and worth of a chosen childless life! It's fairly insulting to imply you have no worth if you don't reproduce.

Did someone imply that people had no worth if they don’t reproduce? I am wondering a little bit of you think it was my post that inferred that?

I don’t believe that just that I’d prefer the OPs life of the two scenarios presented in sketchy detail here.

People can do what they want with their lives and no ones worth is tied up in having children but some people prefer a life with kids and others don’t, not a value judgement there just personal preference.

ForeverLooking · 26/04/2022 17:03

Its implied in several places, perhaps not purposefully. Even in the OP -they don't plan to have kids; like that would make retirement ok if they did? I would much rather have my kids than the money....Great! He wouldn't.
I think it grates on me because my friend gets constantly told by people he will regret not having kids and that they make life worthwhile and that it's better than having a new BMW etc etc. They live a great and very happy life that's no emptier for not reproducing. His wife gets it ALL the time from work colleges, friends, strangers.
It's none of anyones business what other people do with their lives and money and if they want to retire at 30 or 90 or if they want to do charity work or give their money away or save every penny.
I'd stake my life on it they have more going on than implied in the OP.
Its actually upset me a bit because it gives real insight into what people must think of me from the outside.

Teachertotutor · 26/04/2022 17:05

Your feelings are understandable, but you are being unreasonable. I would actually be really bored being retired at 35! I like having something to get up for each day and work towards. Everyone is different - you have different blessings, like your 3 kids. Try to count your own blessings.

nearlyspringyay · 26/04/2022 17:13

I'm your brother but with not in the same percentages, it was bloody hard to get here but my sister is so jealous it's just boring. She didn't even try. Not saying that's you op but everyone chooses/ makes their own way in life. I'd have less money if I had 3 kids so stopped after Dts. Would probably have stopped at 1 if they weren't twins.

nearlyspringyay · 26/04/2022 17:13

Also don't understand the don't want to be retired at 35 comments, you could do anything!

CockingASnook · 26/04/2022 17:15

If I was that well-off, the very last thing I’d be doing is watching Netflix and gaming!

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