AIBU for feeling resentful towards my brother about his easy life?

[MartinsSquirrel]

I have a 35 year old brother who recently moved back to the UK after living in California for 13 years, he recently told me that he's just retired which completely shocked me. I knew him and his wife made great money while they were in the states (they paid for me and my parents to visit a few times) but I had no clue just how wealthy he is. He told me him and his wife have over £5m in investments and just live on that now! They have no children and no plans for any so their days basically just consist of gaming and watching Netflix and playing with their dog, that's in contrast to me who has 3 children and can barely pay the bills! I love my brother and he's never been anything but lovely to me and my parents but I just can't help feeling resentful about his incredibly easy life AIBU

But you had THREE children, did you not think that would massively impact you financially - for decades? I just don't get it. Sorry.

I think perhaps he shouldn't have told you exactly how successful he's been, but even if you didn't know how much he has, you'd know he was wealthy enough to retire, so maybe it wouldn't make any difference.

I can understand feeling envious, but you'll have to accept that different people have vastly different lives, even within the same family. He may do better than you do with money, but no-one is guaranteed a long and happy life, and we all have problems. When you feel envious, remember that you wouldn't actually want to trade places with your brother (would you?) and focus your energies on making your life and your children's lives the best they can be.

Just stay in tune with your relationship with them and try not to worry about the rest.

As a niece I have benefited from having a wealthy (ish) Uncle and Aunt, not benefiting in a financial sense, but being able to enjoy staying with them at their very luxury home, always shouted breakfast/lunch/dinner at nice (not snobby, they won't go to those) places, lent a nice luxury car to drive around instead of hiring my own when visiting and been shown things I wouldn't have experienced otherwise.

If you get caught up in the differences between you, it won't make you a better or nicer person. Try to focus on other stuff. You might find what they are doing is a distraction from them not being able to have children and they are suffering great angst and pain that they don't show you.

I think perhaps he shouldn't have told you exactly how successful he's been

he probably didn't.

I would never tell anyone our net worth, not even my mum

No, I wouldn’t be resentful, or even envious or jealous. My son is everything to me.

mind you, I’m stopping at 2 kids and I hope we’ll still be able to afford some luxuries. I also think that if my brother was that wealthy he would help us - or our DC - out financially. I certainly would if the tables were turned.

Tbh his life sounds a bit boring to me

I imagine he thinks the same of some of the posters on here. But I doubt he's taking the time to post on here whilst he has Netflix and gaming as his only two priorities in life

Exactly! Own your choices OP

Haha

As pp has said, bet he feels like that about your life!

i don’t know why people on here are suddenly falling over themselves to say how exciting, thrilling, fun, etc etc life with children is when there are loads and loads of threads on here indicating the exact opposite! That child rearing is boring, relentless, drudge work etc etc and it’s absolutely fine to say that (and true) so why are people saying so much that a child free is incomparable to theirs, cannot be as good and the millionaire couple must be desperate to swap with them??!

I think not!

@FairyCakeWings

Correction-

having your own children is worth way more than £5m TO SOME PEOPLE

You simply cannot make that statement as a universal one. Sounds like OP’s bro and wife had the option of kids and they didn’t want it so clearly having kids isn’t of the same value/appeal to them. I have friends and you’d have to pay them £5m to even think about kids.

expand your mind a bit that not everyone has the same values, hopes, aspirations, aims in life. And that means that kids are not the be all and end for lots of people. And that is fine! To each their own.

This thread has shown a lot of posters in a bad light.
Such as those who appear to have so little imagination that they envisage a young, dynamic hard-working, wealthy couple will literally spend all their time watching Netflix and gaming. And those who really think having children is the only fulfilling path in life and others lives are missing something if they choose to be childfree. And the abhorrent few who view wealthy relatives as a potential source of money for their DC.
Eye-opening.

Why must one have a ‘purpose’?

@FairyCakeWings

Correction-

having your own children is worth way more than £5m TO SOME PEOPLE

You simply cannot make that statement as a universal one. Sounds like OP’s bro and wife had the option of kids and they didn’t want it so clearly having kids isn’t of the same value/appeal to them. I have friends and you’d have to pay them £5m to even think about kids.

expand your mind a bit that not everyone has the same values, hopes, aspirations, aims in life. And that means that kids are not the be all and end for lots of people. And that is fine! To each their own.

So you are a multimillionaire and you still don’t feel like you have enough money? That’s sad. I think the OP’s brother has a healthier mindset tbh.

I don't understand feeling envious or resentful at someone else winning a game you weren't playing.

I have rich friends and I saw the kind of work they had to do and the kind of industries they had to go in to make that money. There was probably a moment in my life at university when I could have chosen to go down that route but it never seemed appealing as a life path. Would that amount of money be nice? Sure. But I'm not even a tiny bit envious because I didn't and still don't want that life.

I basically got the life I wanted - lots of freedom, not tied down by kids, lucky enough to have always worked in and around things I'm passionate about. I made all my choices with this in mind. Earning megabucks was something I knew I'd probably be passing up.

Occasionally parent acquaintances have made really weird digs about the freedom DP and I have to have a rich social and cultural life - like, beyond a light-hearted "ooh that must be nice, I wouldn't know". It's confusing more than anything. If you wanted that life for yourself why did you have children?

I save my resentment for people who've fallen upwards in life because of privilege - luckily I'm in a position in my industry where I can advocate for young people from less well-off backgrounds, and speak out against nepotism.

Unless you're about to teak us how you having 3 kids and struggling to pay the bills is somehow your brother's fault, YABVU.

“5m is not huge money really, if they want to have a great life (holidays, Reno's, flying business class etc.)”

ahhhhh, you’ve got to love Mumsnet, a mere 5 million isn’t enough to give you a great life.

I mean, that might only bring them an income of a couple of hundred thousand a year - with no kids, no need to put any of that aside to save/make pension payments and (most likely) no mortgage to cover.

With complete freedom from the need to work how can anyone really expect to have a great life on that!

Having your own children is worth way more than £5m.
How condensing.
Dbro may or may not decide to have DC in the future with plenty more to offer or he might stay sensible without DC double his money in further investments and have a great life.

Taking and Netflix isn't really living the dream is it. I know without much money at all who spend days doing that.
I think it's natural for you to feel a bit envious but you've already acknowledged that he's been v kind to you and your parents in the past.

Also I'd rather have my children than any amount of money. They're definitely worth more than £5million to me

Taking and Netflix isn't really living the dream is it. I know without much money at all who spend days doing that.
I think it's natural for you to feel a bit envious but you've already acknowledged that he's been v kind to you and your parents in the past.

Also I'd rather have my children than any amount of money. They're definitely worth more than £5million to me

You might find what they are doing is a distraction from them not being able to have children and they are suffering great angst and pain that they don't show you.

This again. In California they would have access to and been able to afford the best fertility treatment possible if they’d really wanted children. Why are some people unable to comprehend or accept that other people genuinely don’t want children and are genuinely happy without them?

@MojoMoon

disgusting POV

I have two brothers that are much wealthier than me and do things and have homes I can only dream of.

They took risks early in their careers, searched for an took up opportunities way outside of their comfort zones, didn't let knock back deter them and succeeded. There might have been an element of luck too, but it was mostly determination on their part. They were very career focused, including one working abroad living out of suitcases for many years, which I would never have wanted to do.

Do I resent them? Of course not, I am pleased for them for their success.

@CounsellorTroi

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 08:36
You might find what they are doing is a distraction from them not being able to have children and they are suffering great angst and pain that they don't show you.

did you miss OPs post when she said that they are so adverse to kids he’s had a vasectomy!

have you so little imagination or been so indoctrinated by the patriarchy that you cannot imagine that some people just DO NOT WANT KIDS! They’re not in denial, or secretly yearning for them, or just going through a phase and will change their minds. Some people just do not want them. And that is fine. They can lead every bit as fulfilling and purposeful life as those that do have kids. End of.

LOL at the posters who seem so insistent that they lead shallow and empty lives.

You realise the OP has provided us with a snapshot of their lives and not a full rundown of what community activities, charitable giving or self-improvement they may or may not be doing?