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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling resentful towards my brother about his easy life?

218 replies

MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 14:38

I have a 35 year old brother who recently moved back to the UK after living in California for 13 years, he recently told me that he's just retired which completely shocked me. I knew him and his wife made great money while they were in the states (they paid for me and my parents to visit a few times) but I had no clue just how wealthy he is. He told me him and his wife have over £5m in investments and just live on that now! They have no children and no plans for any so their days basically just consist of gaming and watching Netflix and playing with their dog, that's in contrast to me who has 3 children and can barely pay the bills! I love my brother and he's never been anything but lovely to me and my parents but I just can't help feeling resentful about his incredibly easy life AIBU

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2022 08:44

CatsArePeople · 26/04/2022 18:22

Your children have a childless, rich uncle

^This... maybe someday something good happens

@CatsArePeople

has “something good” not already happened? I.e bro has been so successful, done so well, is v wealthy and can enjoy a fab life. Doesn’t happen all so often for people. Adults are as important as kids remember

user750 · 27/04/2022 08:45

My DB is incredibly wealthy, no kids, 4 holidays a year, barely works.
I wouldn't swap for the world. My kids are everything to me and I work with looked after children and I often feel a bit sorry for DB as his life lacks meaningful work. I think he'd happier if he found a volunteer role or did something that benefited someone else

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 08:46

@LuckySantangelo35 did you mean to direct that reply at me, because I agree with you. I never posted the words you’ve attributed to me.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2022 08:48

claretblue79 · 27/04/2022 01:17

@whumpthereitis Completely stand by what I wrote. OP described them as gaming, watching Netflix and playing with their dog. Unless you have any special insider information I would call that a very shallow existence. If you find that pious then fine, I would call it realising that there is a world outside my front door and doing something to make that world better.

@claretblue79

i think OP’s bro and wife are well aware that there is a world outside their door given the Op admits they have travelled all over the world and seen amazing places ( probs far more than you).

and your stuff about how they should be using their time and wealth to help others as you would do in their situation
a) you don’t know what they do with their time, they may already do lots of things like that
b) it’s easy to say that kind of thing when you’ve got nowt yourself innit

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2022 08:49

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 08:46

@LuckySantangelo35 did you mean to direct that reply at me, because I agree with you. I never posted the words you’ve attributed to me.

@CounsellorTroi

sorry no I didn’t, must have tagged you by mistake, apologies

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 08:51

Fair enough, no worries!

BadNomad · 27/04/2022 08:51

I'd rather have the £5mil, but I'll accept £2.5mil if I can have it without the husband. I can adopt a lot of cats for that.

chipsnmayo · 27/04/2022 08:52

I get where you are coming from OP, all three of my brothers have done relatively well for themselves, one is loaded after going down the investment route etc, another made quite a few quid from his own business and another got a hefty divorce settlement (given who is exw was though he deserved every penny) and has since remarried to someone who earns six figures.

Me? Was a solo mum for umpteenth years with a child who has a disability, I budgeted down to every quid every week and spent those years with very few luxuries (no trips abroad, days shopping, fancy dinners out etc). Unfourtantely I made bad relationship decisions which is where I came unstuck but I love being a parent and my DD to bits. I am lucky though, two of those brothers are amazing, they always invite me to their house to stay (they live in tourist areas) and put on great hospitality, host Christmas. They recognise that my life is much harder compared to theirs, and that I am forever grateful for. So it could be far worse.

chopc · 27/04/2022 08:56

Like someone else said - comparison is the thief of joy. Would OP be unhappy with her lot of her brother was in the same life situation as her? Sometimes we don't or can't be bothered to do anything but don't want anyone else doing it either.

Our choices in life matter so it is a case of if you don't like your life, then see what you can do to change it.

TitoMojito · 27/04/2022 09:01

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 08:36

You might find what they are doing is a distraction from them not being able to have children and they are suffering great angst and pain that they don't show you.

This again. In California they would have access to and been able to afford the best fertility treatment possible if they’d really wanted children. Why are some people unable to comprehend or accept that other people genuinely don’t want children and are genuinely happy without them?

^ this. Besides, when SIL thought she was pregnant, DB went and had a vasectomy. I don’t think they are pining for children lol.

TheKeatingFive · 27/04/2022 09:14

He made different choices to you so naturally his life is different.

I'm not sure people think the consequences of their decisions through always. 3 kids will be expensive. Some sectors pay vastly more than others. There nothing surprising about huw your situations have panned out.
p

FirewomanSam · 27/04/2022 09:19

A rule I always find very helpful when I feel jealous of someone is the ‘life swap’. Before feeling resentful of something they have, you have to be willing to take every single aspect of their life, not just the parts that you’d want (in this case lots of money and free time).

Would you take back your three kids in exchange for lots of money? Would you have wanted to do your brother’s job for over a decade? Could you have seen yourself living in America for all that time? I am guessing the answers to all three are probably no.

Be happy for your brother and how his life has turned out so far while also acknowledging that you’ve made choices that were right for you, just as he did.

As for the people calling the brother ‘self obsessed’ based on absolutely nothing and those gleefully anticipating his demise so that OP’s kids can get a nice inheritance… get a grip!

EarringsandLipstick · 27/04/2022 09:19

MojoMoon · 26/04/2022 17:26

Your children have a childless, rich uncle.

No guarantees of course - but seems like if you park your resentment and build a strong relationship, your brother, who has been generous in the past, may well be of great financial benefit to your children one day.

Imagine thinking like this. Utterly crass

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2022 09:30

@MojoMoon

your sort of comment makes me understand why some people leave all their money to cats protection

MojoMoon · 27/04/2022 09:52

@LuckySantangelo35

Calm down, it was tongue in cheek.

Actually I am the childless, fairly wealthy aunt in this scenario although fairly sure not resented by others for being so, and it hasn't been my choice to be in this position.

( Also not five million and retired at 35 wealthy but comfortably off).

The kids better be nice to me if they want the cash though.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2022 10:20

@MojoMoon

youre not the only one who’s said it though

sst1234 · 27/04/2022 10:30

This thread is fascinating. OP admits to being jealous of her brother’s success. That’s honest. But what the reason for all the bitterness form
random strangers towards OP’s brother. You don’t even know him. Why would like him to be self absorbed, shallow, unfulfilled. Are your lives really that sad that you must be jealous of random strangers. Not a good look.

Cantstandbullshit · 27/04/2022 11:01

claretblue79 · 26/04/2022 16:21

Agree with people who said a waste of the rest of his life. Could be doing so much with his time and wealth to help others. I wouldn't be envious, OP, he sounds completely self-absorbed

@claretblue79 I know you all want to comfort the poster but you are being very very harsh and unreasonable here.

You have absolutely no idea about the person, his plans or what he does all day and because his sister types in a short post that they play Netflix all day does not mean that’s what they do all
day. I’m sure with simple common sense you can deduce that she probably chose those words based on the envy she was feeling.

to start making statements such as completely self absorbed etc is just ridiculous.

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 11:07

I’m interested to know whether those posters who think it incumbent on this guy to spend his time and money helping others (which we don’t know he doesn’t) in order to give his life meaning and purpose would say the same if he had children? Or is it ok to be rich and idle if you have children?

BadNomad · 27/04/2022 11:18

People just don't like to think that other people who made different choices are also (or maybe more) happy and fulfilled with their lives.

Cantstandbullshit · 27/04/2022 11:20

@MartinsSquirrel I think this thread is rally unfair to your brother who you admitted is a nice person. That is unless you enjoy small minded jealous people making unfair assumptions and bitter comments about your brother.

You made you choices and so did he. No one has a perfect life and it’s no one’s business if they decide to watch Netflix all day or not.

whumpthereitis · 27/04/2022 11:33

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 11:07

I’m interested to know whether those posters who think it incumbent on this guy to spend his time and money helping others (which we don’t know he doesn’t) in order to give his life meaning and purpose would say the same if he had children? Or is it ok to be rich and idle if you have children?

Children are clearly considered to be acceptable purpose in life. No further questions necessary.

They’ve chosen not to partake in the grind that is parenthood, and they don’t seem to be struggling in other ways either. This is unacceptable, so to make it fair they’ve got to be secretly suffering in some way. If they’re not? Well then, they’re just the worst type of people and who would want to be like that anyway? Once this established, own backs are patted, cheeks are flushed with self satisfaction. The detractor is now reassured by the knowledge that their own struggle is righteous and noble, even in the absence of karmic justice for these people for daring to be happy. Detractor knows they are Better. Than. Them.

All very bitter, all very predictable.

Crudger · 27/04/2022 11:58

Oh completely fine to be envious! I have 3 kids and often feel a pang of jealousy when child free friends drop everything to go on holiday or go on an evening out etc. I chose a different path though and I wouldn’t trade my kids for all the money and freedom in the world (wouldn’t say no to kids AND 5m though)

PLaurel · 27/04/2022 11:58

Im not loaded but when I’ve have/had extra money I’ve helped my sister out. If I was that loaded it wouldn’t be just hols I’d be paying for - I’d pay for kids schooling / a new car if needed / a house extension anything they can’t afford . Of course there’s resentment when someone that loaded and close to you chooses not to see real needs. 5m and he wouldn’t set up an education fund etc for his nieces / nephews ??

BorisJohnsonatemyhampster · 27/04/2022 12:00

A lot of bitter people on this thread. He made different choices to the OP and it paid off for him.

Also unless there’s a tragic backstory, nobody made OP have three kids. Many people have kids without thinking of the long term expense. You see it on here all the time ‘yes have that 3rd/4th+ kid, all they need is love!’ Teeny toddlers soon become finance sucking teens and beyond.

And I’m certain a 35 year old millionaire does far more with his time than just watch Netflix. It’s OPs envy which made her write that comment.

OP should also be ashamed for inviting negative comments about a relative who she says herself is nice.