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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling resentful towards my brother about his easy life?

218 replies

MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 14:38

I have a 35 year old brother who recently moved back to the UK after living in California for 13 years, he recently told me that he's just retired which completely shocked me. I knew him and his wife made great money while they were in the states (they paid for me and my parents to visit a few times) but I had no clue just how wealthy he is. He told me him and his wife have over £5m in investments and just live on that now! They have no children and no plans for any so their days basically just consist of gaming and watching Netflix and playing with their dog, that's in contrast to me who has 3 children and can barely pay the bills! I love my brother and he's never been anything but lovely to me and my parents but I just can't help feeling resentful about his incredibly easy life AIBU

OP posts:
tootiredtoocare · 26/04/2022 22:57

I get envious, but why resentful? Is it because when he left you felt unable to leave? I'm kind of in that situation but my brother isn't rich 😂 Since he left, I've been the one my parents kind of relied on (they don't put a lot of pressure on me, but at the same time, I do a lot of admin-type stuff for them). They miss him and I'm the one that's here so I get a lot of emotional weight from them, especially when he's been a bit thoughtless, which he can be sometimes. When he left, I realised that meant I'd never be able to because I wouldn't take their whole family away from them. So yes, sometimes I'm also envious of his freedom as well as that he's lived in the most amazing places, and occasionally that can be tinged with resentment.

theshavenraven · 26/04/2022 23:04

I think it's natural to feel a bit jealous op but try and look at it this way instead; you have a roof over your head and three children

There's people out there who aren't able to have children and there's also people out there who are homeless and sleeping in doorways

ilovesooty · 26/04/2022 23:05

claretblue79 · 26/04/2022 16:21

Agree with people who said a waste of the rest of his life. Could be doing so much with his time and wealth to help others. I wouldn't be envious, OP, he sounds completely self-absorbed

If he were completely self absorbed he wouldn't have paid for family to visit.

gingerhills · 26/04/2022 23:08

YABU. You don't have what he has but he doesn't have what you have. I would far rather have children than time to watch Netflix all day.

MargaretThursday · 26/04/2022 23:09

They'll have worked very hard to get there and made choices.

You also don't know that they didn't long for kids, but can't for some reason they don't want to share. The most vocal "we never wanted kids" person I know once broke down and told me they had tried everything and were told it would never happen.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/04/2022 23:10

Honestly? Their life sounds really dull. They’ll be sick of it in 6 months and be looking for something to do.

Original poster
MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 23:31

My brother absolutely does not live a dull life, the way he spends most of his time may sound boring but he's travelled extensively to places I could only dream of going to, he's going to south korea next month for a few weeks and then plans to visit the US and Mexico later in the year as he says him and his wife have missed being there, with regards to the children thing I'm absolutely certain there are no regrets there with choosing not to have them, they had a pregnancy scare a few years ago and then he got a vasectomy so I highly doubt they long for children although he's great with mine and would make a great dad and his wife a great mother.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 23:47

MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 23:31

My brother absolutely does not live a dull life, the way he spends most of his time may sound boring but he's travelled extensively to places I could only dream of going to, he's going to south korea next month for a few weeks and then plans to visit the US and Mexico later in the year as he says him and his wife have missed being there, with regards to the children thing I'm absolutely certain there are no regrets there with choosing not to have them, they had a pregnancy scare a few years ago and then he got a vasectomy so I highly doubt they long for children although he's great with mine and would make a great dad and his wife a great mother.

Hmm…

Well that’s put pay to some posters hypotheses that despite he and his wife’s phenomenal success, wealth, freedom, travel, etc etc they are in fact chronically unfulfilled and would trade it all in with them and OP in a heartbeat just to have kids…..seems not!!

honestly the assumption that you deep down everyone must want kids and you cannot be fulfilled without them is alive and well on this thread!

AmberLynn1536 · 26/04/2022 23:51

So they don’t have dull, meaningless shallow lives or secretly yearn for children after all then! Some posters will be gutted!

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 23:51

carefullycourageous · 26/04/2022 16:04

I know what you mean because work is a bore, but you have three children and he has money.

Some people would rather have the money

whumpthereitis · 26/04/2022 23:59

AmberLynn1536 · 26/04/2022 23:51

So they don’t have dull, meaningless shallow lives or secretly yearn for children after all then! Some posters will be gutted!

There’ll still be along to insist upon it being a dreadful empty life with the couple being secretly miserable, or shallow if they’re not.

whumpthereitis · 27/04/2022 00:01

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 23:51

Some people would rather have the money

Show quote history

Yup. With it without the Netflix.

BeaLola · 27/04/2022 00:33

The best thing is that you have a lovely kind brother - who has been in your words "he's never been anything but lovely to me and my parents " - that in itself is worth a great deal

claretblue79 · 27/04/2022 00:36

@ilovesooty It's very easy just to spend money when you have it, doesn't take any effort at all. Anyway, where's his sense of the wider community, helping others outside his family. I have got much materially but would much rather have my life than his. What a shallow existence

claretblue79 · 27/04/2022 00:36

*haven't

whumpthereitis · 27/04/2022 00:40

claretblue79 · 27/04/2022 00:36

@ilovesooty It's very easy just to spend money when you have it, doesn't take any effort at all. Anyway, where's his sense of the wider community, helping others outside his family. I have got much materially but would much rather have my life than his. What a shallow existence

Aaaand there’s the bingo. With a side helping of pious.

You have no idea whether he helps anyone outside of his family. You know nothing about this man that OP hasn’t called anything but lovely. You’ve just decided he’s to be judged negatively because of his wealth. I’m not sure that’s a mindset particularly worth envying, whether you have money or not.

timestheyarechanging · 27/04/2022 00:41

My sister is a lot wealthier than me. I don't resent her though. I'm not jealous and we're very close. She's helped me out when I was in debt.
She retired at 50 but still has a good income through air bnb (3 apartments in Cornwall).
I retired at 51 and have an income from a second property. Partner does too. We both (sister, partner, BIL and I) got on the property ladder in our early 20s.
We do a lot more than watch Netflix!

timestheyarechanging · 27/04/2022 00:57

My sister and I have both worked since we were 16. She married young and her husband inherited a large sum. I'm pleased for her. I married older and am now divorced.
She could put her two children through university without having to worry. Take them on holidays and have a holiday apt.
I married later and am still friends with my ex. He's semi retired at 51 and we can pay for our son through uni (our daughter didn't want to go, she's 23 now and been saving since was 18 and is buying a place with boyfriend next year with no financial help from us).
I have millionaire friends that I've known for 30 odd years - I love that they are in the position they are in. They've worked hard for it. We all worked from 16. They helped me out when I was poor after my divorce and couldn't even pay my TV licence.

707smile · 27/04/2022 00:58

I'm sure you worked just as hard as your brother. A lot of this will have been luck.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Also bear in mind that through most people's childhoods their parents try to keep things completely equal for each child- so you've grown up in a situation where you could expect the same things, now he's suddenly in a very different situation to yours and only in his 30s. His wealth is the kind that most people can never expect to have. It's completely natural and okay to feel jealous of him!

claretblue79 · 27/04/2022 01:17

@whumpthereitis Completely stand by what I wrote. OP described them as gaming, watching Netflix and playing with their dog. Unless you have any special insider information I would call that a very shallow existence. If you find that pious then fine, I would call it realising that there is a world outside my front door and doing something to make that world better.

ashitghost · 27/04/2022 01:29

I would go mad just watching tv and gaming all day. And I’d hate not to have children. Genuinely would not envy them. It’s no life for me.

Bookescapeartist · 27/04/2022 01:37

Everything pays better in California- our neighbors are nurses and pull in 250-300 k a year with overtime, as nurses so it is easy to see how they would have built that kind of wealth in 13 years and they will have worked for it- no doubt they returned to the UK to avoid having to pay health insurance each month, no longer covered by an employer once you leave them.
I am sure they won't watch Netflix for ever but are recovering from years of hard work. He sounds like a generous person to me so I would be happy for him- in a sense he won the lottery of choosing well paid work in California and he has earned his retirement. The early retirement movement is big in the US and on all the FIRE forums everyone points out that America is the place to do it, much harder to do in the UK where only a small % of jobs pay very well I would say. He has made career choices that lead to building up wealth and he will have paid costs to do that in terms of the stress he will have been under.
be happy for him, his life is not typical and nor are his choices.

whumpthereitis · 27/04/2022 02:26

claretblue79 · 27/04/2022 01:17

@whumpthereitis Completely stand by what I wrote. OP described them as gaming, watching Netflix and playing with their dog. Unless you have any special insider information I would call that a very shallow existence. If you find that pious then fine, I would call it realising that there is a world outside my front door and doing something to make that world better.

I think he’s aware there’s a world outside his front door, given that he’s just flown in from California and he’s shortly off to South Korea.

You have no idea what he does or doesn’t do for anyone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d take the dogs, Netflix, wealth and freedom tbh. If that’s shallow then it’s an infinitely more attractive proposition than the alternative so far presented by those attacking him. He sounds happy, you on the other hand do not.

melcalfe · 27/04/2022 02:37

That's crazy because we have way more than triple of that and we wouldn't dream of retiring.

We're still building businesses, I'm studying to get more money, etc. We're similar age.

5m is not huge money really, if they want to have a great life (holidays, Reno's, flying business class etc.). What's the point sitting at home watching Netflix? Esp at their young age.

But it's an interesting look. I'd never have thought that my sister would be envious of me. Makes me feel sad.

melcalfe · 27/04/2022 02:39

To add, if my sister 'barely paid her bills' I would prob help her out with a holiday here and there. BUT I would be ConfusedHmm that she had 3 kids, of course they're expensive and unless you're wealthy, you will struggle to bring them up. So maybe he doesn't have that much sympathy (esp as he's child free). sorry just being honest.