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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling resentful towards my brother about his easy life?

218 replies

MartinsSquirrel · 26/04/2022 14:38

I have a 35 year old brother who recently moved back to the UK after living in California for 13 years, he recently told me that he's just retired which completely shocked me. I knew him and his wife made great money while they were in the states (they paid for me and my parents to visit a few times) but I had no clue just how wealthy he is. He told me him and his wife have over £5m in investments and just live on that now! They have no children and no plans for any so their days basically just consist of gaming and watching Netflix and playing with their dog, that's in contrast to me who has 3 children and can barely pay the bills! I love my brother and he's never been anything but lovely to me and my parents but I just can't help feeling resentful about his incredibly easy life AIBU

OP posts:
SeedyBloomer · 27/04/2022 12:00

No sympathy from me, OP! They say comparison is the thief of joy: why not look at what you do have instead of being jealous of your brother’s success and feeling sorry for yourself? Many of us have had incredibly difficult lives and can easily look around and see others who seem to have had it easier. It’s easy to fall into a grumble about how life is unfair and ‘why not me?’. However, millions of pounds didn’t fall on him from the sky. He’s made different life choices to you, with different results. Having three children is in itself an expensive decision of yours. You have no idea what kinds of private sacrifices they or anyone else might have made.

LittleYellowDog · 27/04/2022 12:02

£5 million isnt enough to keep 2 35- year olds in comfort until they die

BorisJohnsonatemyhampster · 27/04/2022 12:06

‘5m and he wouldn’t set up an education fund etc for his nieces / nephews ??’

How do you know he hasn’t put money aside to pay for deposits or uni? Maybe he hasn’t told his sister yet or maybe he can sense the envy and believes if he were to hand over money then it would be used for home improvements rather than the kids or that maybe she would become reliant or be resentful he didn’t giver her even more? She chose to have 3 kids, he chose not to and to focus on his career. Different choices result in different outcomes. People have to deal with it.

Hortensiateapot · 27/04/2022 12:07

If he’s a nice person and doesn’t make you feel looked down on, I would just enjoy the fact that he’s back (presumably with a nice house/garden for you to go round for a bbq) and hopefully to have a great relationship with your kids.

Hont1986 · 27/04/2022 12:08

£5 million isnt enough to keep 2 35- year olds in comfort until they die

A conservative withdrawal rate of 3% would give them a joint income of £150,000 per year. You don't think that's enough to pay for a comfortable lifestyle?

gannett · 27/04/2022 12:12

5m and he wouldn’t set up an education fund etc for his nieces / nephews ??

Not that I have £5m or am likely to, but I do have a list of things I would do with it hypothetically, and raising other people's children is not on that list or anywhere near.

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 27/04/2022 12:16

£5 million isnt enough to keep 2 35- year olds in comfort until they die

That has got to be the single most ridiculous comment I've ever seen on mumsnet.

OliveTreees · 27/04/2022 12:18

YABU to be envious of such a boring and pointless lifestyle. I’d be depressed if I were them.
I can’t believe all that smart 35 yo people who made money in tech aspire in life is game and watch Netflix. That can’t be true.

I’m probably biased because whilst financially we are very secure and I could stop working tomorrow without having any impact on our finance, I love my job and wouldn’t dream of retiring.

ChairCareOh · 27/04/2022 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

BoredZelda · 27/04/2022 12:24

Not that I have £5m or am likely to, but I do have a list of things I would do with it hypothetically, and raising other people's children is not on that list or anywhere near.

Spending money to help your family isn’t on that list? If I had £5m, I wouldn’t see my family struggle.

MissusMaisel · 27/04/2022 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Think about how hard they would have had to work in the US to have as much as they do now.....they probably have barely taken a day off in a decade. You might spend a little while doing sweet fuck all too on return to the UK!

Toddlerteaplease · 27/04/2022 12:33

How boring to be retired at 35! I can't think of anything worse!

whumpthereitis · 27/04/2022 12:35

BoredZelda · 27/04/2022 12:24

Not that I have £5m or am likely to, but I do have a list of things I would do with it hypothetically, and raising other people's children is not on that list or anywhere near.

Spending money to help your family isn’t on that list? If I had £5m, I wouldn’t see my family struggle.

You can help them without paying for their children’s education or setting up trust funds.

According to the OP the brother is lovely, has a good relationship with her and her children, and has happily paid for them to travel. Why does he have to provide more?

whumpthereitis · 27/04/2022 12:36

Toddlerteaplease · 27/04/2022 12:33

How boring to be retired at 35! I can't think of anything worse!

Yes. All that freedom to do whatever the hell he wants with the rest of his life. Travel, start a new business, charitable endeavours etc. Poor man, what a dreadful life.

Hont1986 · 27/04/2022 12:36

Think about how hard they would have had to work in the US to have as much as they do now

Probably not that hard. Big Tech salaries in the US are absolutely enormous, you don't have to work any harder than a plumber or teacher or whatever. And 'PTO' (paid time off) in these companies is often similar to ours - Google offers 20 days, for example, and that is separate from the 11 national public holidays.

gannett · 27/04/2022 12:55

BoredZelda · 27/04/2022 12:24

Not that I have £5m or am likely to, but I do have a list of things I would do with it hypothetically, and raising other people's children is not on that list or anywhere near.

Spending money to help your family isn’t on that list? If I had £5m, I wouldn’t see my family struggle.

Well, certainly not my own family as I'm NC with the lot of them.

I'd treat DP's nieces but it wouldn't cross my mind to set up an education fund for them. But they're comfortably off. I'd sooner help out those in actual need.

StarCourt · 27/04/2022 13:40

I'm in a similar ish situation although my siblings aren't millionaires. They both married men who already had a home they owned and good jobs etc. so over the years they've made decisions about not working/ working pt/ had money to invest in pensions/ not had to rent etc,
While I as the struggling single parent has only just been able buy a property on a SO scheme but used my small pension pot to do it. I'm not envious, I am happy for them and we get on really well. Everything just seemed to fall into their laps though.

AmberLynn1536 · 27/04/2022 13:41

BorisJohnsonatemyhampster · 27/04/2022 12:00

A lot of bitter people on this thread. He made different choices to the OP and it paid off for him.

Also unless there’s a tragic backstory, nobody made OP have three kids. Many people have kids without thinking of the long term expense. You see it on here all the time ‘yes have that 3rd/4th+ kid, all they need is love!’ Teeny toddlers soon become finance sucking teens and beyond.

And I’m certain a 35 year old millionaire does far more with his time than just watch Netflix. It’s OPs envy which made her write that comment.

OP should also be ashamed for inviting negative comments about a relative who she says herself is nice.

Agree the OP should be ashamed of starting a thread like this about, in her words, her lovely generous brother, which was designed to invite the bitter and and jealous comments written by so many here.

Cantstandbullshit · 27/04/2022 13:48

LittleYellowDog · 27/04/2022 12:02

£5 million isnt enough to keep 2 35- year olds in comfort until they die

@LittleYellowDog really? You do realize that is significantly more than the average household will earn in the UK their whole working lives right?

You claim it’s not much money, the next poster claims it’s so much why is he not setting up funds for his niece and nephews. Everyone has an opinion on the internet.

SleeplessInEngland · 27/04/2022 13:51

claretblue79 · 26/04/2022 16:21

Agree with people who said a waste of the rest of his life. Could be doing so much with his time and wealth to help others. I wouldn't be envious, OP, he sounds completely self-absorbed

Good old Mumsnet, where the OP who actually knows the brother says he's a great, generous guy but no: he's actually a self-absorbed bastard.

Blossomtoes · 27/04/2022 13:55

£5 million isnt enough to keep 2 35- year olds in comfort until they die

It’s £83k a year for 60 years if all they did was stick it under the mattress and spend the capital, so well invested it looks like plenty from where I’m sitting.

Cantstandbullshit · 27/04/2022 13:56

Hont1986 · 27/04/2022 12:36

Think about how hard they would have had to work in the US to have as much as they do now

Probably not that hard. Big Tech salaries in the US are absolutely enormous, you don't have to work any harder than a plumber or teacher or whatever. And 'PTO' (paid time off) in these companies is often similar to ours - Google offers 20 days, for example, and that is separate from the 11 national public holidays.

Thanks I was about to say this. Dislike the stereotypical statements @MissusMaisel .

The US has its issues no doubt but it also has a lot going for it, and the UK as well. There are many people who will be better off in US over thr UK and vice versa but the attitude on these type of forums from Brits is like by default everyone will be better off in the UK; big NO, or that the UK has it all figured out, it doesn’t.

Cant miss the chance to include our snide comments about how better we are than Americans. Same on Reddit quota etc.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 27/04/2022 13:58

Lol at the jealousy and bitterness on this thread, by people who don’t even know this guy.

I guess people really hate the wealthy, even if they worked hard and earned the money fair and square.

Cantstandbullshit · 27/04/2022 13:59

@MartinsSquirrel you really should take down this thread, it’s unfair to your brother and his wife.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 27/04/2022 14:00

I couldn’t do a tech job. I’ve no head for that sort of thing. So I couldn’t earn a “big tech salary”. People far cleverer than me can do that and be fairly paid for that skill set.

The alternative is that we start paying the lawyers and the retail workers the same. Or the doctors and the receptionists. But then why would anyone ever take on the stress of the lawyer or the doctor job? What would be the the point?