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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
Indicatrice · 26/04/2022 04:09

Like hell would I give him a quiet life. Closure is important to me so I would tell him exactly what I think of him and tell him he can swing for the money.

Does he have the potential to get nasty? If yes, just block him, but don’t pay him.

LairyMcClairy · 26/04/2022 04:11

There’s not really enough context to say either way here unfortunately.

avamiah · 26/04/2022 04:16

what was it he paid for ?

NaughtyDaddyPig · 26/04/2022 04:27

Depends if you still have the item I guess and what it is.
Half of a meal, no.
Half of the sofa you have at yours, maybe.
Half of the car you drive, yes pay.

What did you witness that's going to cause you years of therapy?
I'd go to therapy and work through resilience so this doesn't happen again. You sound very distressed by this.

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:31

NaughtyDaddyPig · 26/04/2022 04:27

Depends if you still have the item I guess and what it is.
Half of a meal, no.
Half of the sofa you have at yours, maybe.
Half of the car you drive, yes pay.

What did you witness that's going to cause you years of therapy?
I'd go to therapy and work through resilience so this doesn't happen again. You sound very distressed by this.

It was half of several meals and incidentals that he paid for on holiday (which is where we broke up), with an agreement to split the costs when we got home. We split it out of practicality, not out of necessity. We can both afford to cover the costs.

OP posts:
Butfirstcoffees · 26/04/2022 04:33

If someone did something so awful it was going to cause me years in therapy, I wouldn't speak to them at all.

Let's say it goes well and he gives a genuine apology, its not going to stop you needing therapy, if it was so awful.

What explanation would make you feel better?

Wether you should give hin half or not depends on what it is. But I would do what I needed to make him go away and I would have no contact at all

Butfirstcoffees · 26/04/2022 04:34

If you can afford it, transfer the money and block him. That would be my advice.

NaughtyDaddyPig · 26/04/2022 04:35

That's tricky then.
If he paid all costs for the holiday then I guess you should pay.
I'd rack it up to getting away lightly from him.
He dumped you on holiday?
What a guy.

NaughtyDaddyPig · 26/04/2022 04:37

Oh and bank transfer it. Do not meet up.
Put the title as 'lucky escape' in the item description.

Catcrisis · 26/04/2022 04:40

YABU for saying "rip him a new one"

TigerLilyTail · 26/04/2022 04:55

id send back the crying laughing emoji and block him.

who cares about paying him back?

TheLadyofShalott1 · 26/04/2022 05:23

Catcrisis · 26/04/2022 04:40

YABU for saying "rip him a new one"

Why on earth @Catcrisis are you saying that?
@goinglow does not need your strange judgement (for whatever reason you are judging her?) about a phrase she used to describe a very small part of how she must feel about her ex. I really am quite perplexed by it, as the very least he needs is a new one ripping...

Tlollj · 26/04/2022 05:29

Do both. Tell him what you think of him and pay him. Then block him.

elzober · 26/04/2022 05:36

Keep a dignified silence and don't give him penny. Block him.

MadameFantabulosa · 26/04/2022 05:39

I’d say nothing. Ignore the email and block him.

hesbeen2021 · 26/04/2022 05:42

Did he poo on the bed?

goinglow · 26/04/2022 05:55

hesbeen2021 · 26/04/2022 05:42

Did he poo on the bed?

This would’ve been a preferred scenario to what he actually did 😂

Amber Herd has nothing on him!

OP posts:
Blarting · 26/04/2022 05:57

Don't respond and block him. Honestly, the saying you say it best when you say nothing at all, springs to mind.

Do not react at all.

Carry on moving on.

TigerLilyTail · 26/04/2022 05:58

I’m genuinely surprised how many people are saying to pay him back.

daretodenim · 26/04/2022 06:06

He sounds pretty unhinged.

If you don't pay will he let it lie, and will you be able to relax?

Or is there a possibility he'll come after you in some way at home or work? Would he try to take you to small claims court?

If the latter options, I'd pay and consider it a cheap price to get rid of him.

Sn0tnose · 26/04/2022 06:08

The thing is, he’s an arsehole. Which means he isn’t going to listen to anything you have to say to him. It’ll be far easier for him to tell himself that it’s just the ramblings of his ‘crazy’ ex who is just bitter about the end of the relationship. You’ll achieve nothing but a sense of frustration, anger and hurt. There is no positive outcome here for you.

In your position, I would give him complete radio silence. You may well end up needing to pay him back, just to get him to go away, but in the meantime I wouldn’t acknowledge the email or the request.

Loopytiles · 26/04/2022 06:13

No contact with him still seems the best approach. And not paying him money!

Your post is unclear: did you verbally agree to pay him some money on return home from the trip, and who suggested this? Even if you did promise and you suggested it, if there’s no promise from you in writing don’t think you should pay, given the circumstances.

YABU on the ‘he left me an absolute shell of myself’ and ‘years of therapy’ comments.

JenniferPlantain · 26/04/2022 06:15

In my mind the ‘moral high ground’ only really exists as a tool of self-preservation. I use that as a reason not to engage in behaviour that will make life harder for myself, or behaviour that is pointlessly mean. This current culture of toxic positivity and misuse of phrases “rise above” and “be kind” are allowing a lot of shit people to behave badly and get away with it.

With the limited details written here I feel like you’re safe and telling him where to go wouldn’t be unjustified. Might also make you feel better - but do think through possible responses and plan accordingly (block if needed).

If you do decide to explain why he can fuck right off, just make sure you do it without swearing and/or too many exclamation marks (typed, these both make a person look like they’re typing in a fit of rage). You might well be typing in a fit of rage, but impact of message and strength of the “stop” will be felt more if you appear calm.

Good luck with whatever you do!

goinglow · 26/04/2022 06:16

daretodenim · 26/04/2022 06:06

He sounds pretty unhinged.

If you don't pay will he let it lie, and will you be able to relax?

Or is there a possibility he'll come after you in some way at home or work? Would he try to take you to small claims court?

If the latter options, I'd pay and consider it a cheap price to get rid of him.

This is my concern. I don’t want any trouble.

The request for money also included something he’d put on his card which was mine specifically and I paid that back today just because I felt I really should and didn’t want to be construed as the ‘bad guy’.

For the shared costs though, I want him to take a long walk off a short pier!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 26/04/2022 06:17

If you respond in writing he is likely to seek to use those words as evidence that you’d promised him money. To continue negative contact with you. Don’t give him that opportunity.

responding would also be contact, which you’d sensibly decided to end