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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
goinglow · 26/04/2022 07:21

Actually my AIBU isn’t about whether to pay the money (that’s a somewhat separate matter as there are other costs to consider), but whether to take the opportunity to confront him about his actions and say what’s on my mind.

OP posts:
Shlomping1234 · 26/04/2022 07:24

A chokey pokey bum wank in the wardrobe with a bog brush is my guess 🤔

Philisophigal · 26/04/2022 07:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

SunshineAndFizz · 26/04/2022 07:25

If it'll make you feel better and get some closure then yes tell him how you feel - but know it probably won't have any impact on him at all (you're not going to change that he's a dickhead), so don't do it if it's just about trying to make him feel bad about what he's done.

And don't pay.

ZekeZeke · 26/04/2022 07:25

Pay the money you owe.
Do not engage. You will sound like a nut job.
Block.

Philisophigal · 26/04/2022 07:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

ImBurtMacklin · 26/04/2022 07:27

If you confront him, could he do something reckless, outrageous and insane again?

MichelleScarn · 26/04/2022 07:27

It's totally up to you whether to confront him or not, but are you doing it in a 'how could you hurt me like that' i.e the disgusting aspect or
'You could have killed someone' being reckless.
The only thing I can think of that could go under disgusting and reckless would be something like driving/piloting a boat while out of his face and you didn't know.

emmetgirl · 26/04/2022 07:29

You poor thing OP. Some people are vile. Unfortunately, I'd guess that even if he did somehow explain his behaviour it'll probably be a lie and even if it isn't it genuinely won't help your recovery.
The best thing you can do for your long term mental health is to just totally ignore him and block all means of his being able to contact you.
I know how painful this is and will be but I promise you will recover xx

Butfirstcoffees · 26/04/2022 07:30

goinglow · 26/04/2022 07:19

Actually my AIBU isn’t about whether to pay the money (that’s a somewhat separate matter as there are other costs to consider), but whether to take the opportunity to confront him about his actions and say what’s on my mind.

What else is there to consider? Surely its just do you owe him it? And can you afford it? Its yes to both

People are talking about the money as part of the whole situation. To bring an end to it so you can move on.

But I get the feeling you dont really want to do that. You want to say what you think, to open up communication again. Happens to the best of us, we dont make healthy decisions on occasion.

Moomeh · 26/04/2022 07:33

Another vote for pay the money and block. It's Not taking the moral high ground or because you owe it to him. It's because it's a small price to pay to never hear from him again.

Also, if you keep it, it's like you're keeping it as compensation for what he did. But unless it's millions, that's seriously paltry compensation (I'm imagining it's 100s or maximum low 1000s) Don't keep it and make him/anyone think he's paid you off.

GirlsTalk250 · 26/04/2022 07:35

Don’t engage with him, just block. Sounds like he’s a complete sh*t, and that explains his behaviour.
Picking at the wound won’t help it to heal 💐

DysmalRadius · 26/04/2022 07:37

If he does face you and explain his behaviour and you get to tell him that you think he's a dickhead, will you feel better about giving him the money? Or any of it? What's it worth to just be absolutely done with him? I think you have to be realistic about what you can expect here- no amount of money/talking/apologies are going to make up for what he's done, so it's it worth what you owe him to be totally done with him and his bullshit?

UnsuitableHat · 26/04/2022 07:37

He’s already hurt you and I wonder what you’d gain from speaking your mind to him other than more pain. Maybe transfer the money (although understandable if you don’t) but otherwise ignore.

ladydimitrescu · 26/04/2022 07:37

My mind is going 100 miles an hour trying to think of what he could have done Confused
I certainly wouldn't be paying him, absolutely not.

Moomeh · 26/04/2022 07:38

goinglow · 26/04/2022 07:21

Actually my AIBU isn’t about whether to pay the money (that’s a somewhat separate matter as there are other costs to consider), but whether to take the opportunity to confront him about his actions and say what’s on my mind.

Then 100% yabu. You will get literally nothing out of confronting him except more distress and inconvenience.

He has nothing to lose by you confronting him. Because he doesn't care about you so he won't get upset. He's not traumatised and he'll only be, at worst, irritated, at 'best', pleased he's hurt you.

You have everything to lose because you are traumatised and distressed and heartbroken and you will be reminding yourself of the awful details and giving him an opportunity to say more hurtful things.

It's a total, total no brainer

Campervangirl · 26/04/2022 07:41

The trouble with confronting someone is you're probably not going to get the reaction you want, you'll play the scenario out in your head, the different ways it could play out and if it doesn't end the way you think it should you will be left even more frustrated.
Personally I'd pay your half if that's what you agreed, block and move on, I do like the what a pp said, do a bank transfer and put lucky escape in the text.
You're already moving on, be kind to yourself, don't stir up more drama which will set you back 💐
Ps I'm also dying to know what he did 😄

Gazelda · 26/04/2022 07:44

What would your therapist say if you posed your dilemma to her?

Gazelda · 26/04/2022 07:44

What would your therapist say if you posed your dilemma to her?

Orgasmagorical · 26/04/2022 07:48

Do you have any idea why he did what he did, OP? Was it for your benefit, this act? If so, do not engage with him any further on it, he'll only relish your distress/disgust/shock.

If it hurt or damaged anyone or anything I'd report him.

Yellownightmare · 26/04/2022 07:48

I'd pay him the money as that was your agreement.

I would also not write to say what you think of him. It sounds like whatever he did was so out of the realms of what's acceptable that nothing you could say would bring him any shame whatsoever, and someone without shame will never recognise that they've done anything wrong. The downside might be that he retaliates in some way, and that will exacerbate things for you.

It's a good idea to work through your feelings in therapy. It may help you to see someone who also does EMDR or Rewind Therapy to get over the initial shock of what he did on holiday.

You could maybe write a letter that you don't send to get some of the feelings about his behaviour out in the open, though.

Is your main worry about the loss of trust in people? If you could be in such an intimate relationship with someone who then does something so terrible, does it make you question your judgement? That's a legitimate concern but I guess you're unlikely to come across that many monstrous people who are also that good at masking their lack of moral compass.

goinglow · 26/04/2022 07:48

Moomeh · 26/04/2022 07:38

Then 100% yabu. You will get literally nothing out of confronting him except more distress and inconvenience.

He has nothing to lose by you confronting him. Because he doesn't care about you so he won't get upset. He's not traumatised and he'll only be, at worst, irritated, at 'best', pleased he's hurt you.

You have everything to lose because you are traumatised and distressed and heartbroken and you will be reminding yourself of the awful details and giving him an opportunity to say more hurtful things.

It's a total, total no brainer

Yes. This is what I’m thinking.

I’m irritated as hell at his audacity but mostly that it feels like he’s getting away absolutely scott-free without being read the riot act.

I do know, for my own pride and sanity, absolute grey-rocking and minimal contact is the way to go.

I am only human though!

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 26/04/2022 07:50

The two things are separate though. Costs on a holiday and then him splitting up with you?
Are you at risk of violence or is he just a shagger? If I was at risk of violence, I’d pay and block.
Perhaps don’t see it as a year wasted but many years saved.

LowlandLucky · 26/04/2022 07:51

Tell him his actions were disgraceful and that you want no futher contact, then block him.

LuaDipa · 26/04/2022 07:53

I would just block and ignore. He’s not worth another thought.

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