Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

[goinglow]

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

I can understand why you might want to take the opportunity to tell him what you think of him but try to resist. Either he doesn't know or care how unacceptable his behaviour has been or he wouldn't be shamelessly asking for money he can afford to lose. If he understood the effect of what he'd done he would have remained quiet in the hope it would all blow over.

You will achieve nothing except hurting yourself all over again because I suspect his attitude will be one of indifference. Resisting the urge to give him a piece of your mind is for your benefit not his.

Block and ignore him on all channels of communication and put your energy into looking after yourself, it will serve you better in the long run.

The best thing you can do is ignore his email. Simply don’t respond. Leave him hanging and move on.

Don't invest anymore time. He's baiting you and wants you to bite. Block, ignore and move on.

It's so OP can take the night road and he would then have absolutely nothing over her

Paying someone who treated one badly money isn’t ‘the right road’.

Did he poo on the bed?
This would’ve been a preferred scenario to what he actually did 😂

So now I'm more than intrigued!

TBH it really is impossible to say without context.

Saying “he did something awful” is bound to provoke the response from some that of course he’s an arsehole and you shouldn’t pay him, but A, nobody knows what he did so it’s not actually possible to comment on whether he really is the arsehole you’re saying he is, and B, the money is rightfully his.

If you want rid of him you should just pay up and block. Anything else is extending your contact with him, and surely you don’t want that?

Did he break up with you on holiday then sleep with some one else while still on holiday? In your shared hotel room?

If it's anything like this, no, don't pay the money back! But do reply to his email outlining how horrible he is etc.

From what you have described I don’t think he cares to hear what you have to say, he just wants his money. Give it to him and then move on, otherwise you are going to prolong this pain and heartache for your self. You may want to tell him how terrible his behaviour is etc but he won’t give a shit really, he won’t be listening.

i know you are deeply wounded by his actions, and his treatment of you has been diabolical but thank goodness this happened now and not when you had a mortgage and children together. Speak to someone, speak to a counsellor and heal your self. I promise you, you will get over him and in time you will look back and shudder at the memory of him and his vile actions towards you. Just move on.

Agree with this, with out context it's impossible to say as it's dependent on personal opinion/moral compass of op and whoever she's told. Could be anything from got a lapdance in a nightclub on holiday to asked op to go to a nudist beach, to he wore socks with sandals!

We're you going out with my ex husband who did something horrendous then came back after the decree absolute to ask for another 20k to cover the debts he racked up on his filthy hobby.
He was ejected from my house at 100 mph with plenty of fucks ringing in his ears
Don't pay and let him know exactly how you feel.
Now I really need to know what he did.

If you agreed to split the costs, you should pay the money. Its not like you can't afford or hadn't budgeted for it.
He's allowed to break up with you if he wants to. I doubt he did it in a whim. Maybe you didn't read the signs?
What one action can he do that is going to require years of therapy to get over? I think you're being overly dramatic.
Break ups are horrible, even when you're being the doing the breaking, so you have my sympathy. But you said you'd moved on. Pay the money so he has no excuse to keep contacting you because presumably that's what you want. You do sound like you're enjoying your outrage, though.

What did he do?

This is correct. This is why I paid him back for the part that was for me and not a shared cost.

The best answer is no answer.

nothing you can think of to say will drive him as mad as silence.

I really don’t want to go into detail so I might have to ask for some solidarity/trust that it wasn’t in the socks and sandals league.

Anyone with an ounce of moral compass would agree it was despicable though.

Totally fine if people therefore feel they don’t wish to comment as they don’t know the context though.

Also, yiu know this is not about the money right? He’s trying to open up dialogue with you.

In that case I'm saying yabu. You agreed to share the cost so give him the money back and block him.

I think you should pay him the money back actually. You agreed beforehand that he would pay and you would pay him back. I don't know why you think you shouldn't. Surely what he did is a completely separate matter?

If he did something so disgusting that you'll need years of therapy (I can't even imagine what he did!) then no words of yours will have any effect on him. He's obviously without shame or remorse so leave it.
Pay him his money back, block him, breathe a huge sigh of relief and carry on.

I'm struggling to understand why him doing something disgusting means you shouldn't pay for food that you ate.

Transfer the money then block him.

Perhaps ‘years of therapy’ is dramatic re the event itself (although I am absolutely traumatised) but certainly years of therapy to trust again after seeing someone I loved and was seemed equally in love with me, turn into an unrecognisable monster before my eyes in a matter of hours, is a fair statement.

That said, I am all about self improvement so rest assured that side of things is in-hand.

I'm going to assume he shagged someone else pretty much in front of you, in which case yep he's a complete and utter cunt.

Fuck his money, just tell him to do one.

Actually my AIBU isn’t about whether to pay the money (that’s a somewhat separate matter as there are other costs to consider), but whether to take the opportunity to confront him about his actions and say what’s on my mind.

If you don’t want to divulge then you can’t expect people to advise. It’s pointless.