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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
Poppetlove · 26/04/2022 18:09

Ghost him, block him On all devices, just like he did to you.

Hatinafield · 26/04/2022 18:17

Move on.
Send him the money you owe him and do the rest with your therapist. Honestly, life is too short.

PiesMcPieFace · 26/04/2022 18:32

@Legoisaws8om
Extremely helpful to someone, but alas not the OP on this thread

Booboobagins · 26/04/2022 18:38

Hi OP, it's his loss I'm afraid both in losing you and the money.

Don't pay him a penny.

Def tell him what you need to - stick to the facts👊 and stay away from the emotion 😬

Best of luck, when you're ready start looking for a new beau. You never know, you may spread know him x😉

Onlyforcake · 26/04/2022 18:48

Possibly useful OP. I was spectacularly dumped on a romantic holiday on valentines day. The guy not only ditched me but revealed he'd been fucking his friend's wife for years, and hed been the best man 😖. He did approach me for a bill on my return to the UK, relating to that holiday, an activity we had booked before going, that he was left with the balance of on his own. I added up the costs of having to find an early flight home, taxis and the cost of hiring a van to move and sent him a 'counter' bill, it also detailed the cost of the takeaway I ordered when I had dinner with his friend and a solicitor friend.

stiritwithaknife · 26/04/2022 18:51

Onlyforcake · 26/04/2022 18:48

Possibly useful OP. I was spectacularly dumped on a romantic holiday on valentines day. The guy not only ditched me but revealed he'd been fucking his friend's wife for years, and hed been the best man 😖. He did approach me for a bill on my return to the UK, relating to that holiday, an activity we had booked before going, that he was left with the balance of on his own. I added up the costs of having to find an early flight home, taxis and the cost of hiring a van to move and sent him a 'counter' bill, it also detailed the cost of the takeaway I ordered when I had dinner with his friend and a solicitor friend.

And? Don't leave us hanging!

spotcheck · 26/04/2022 18:55

ZekeZeke · 26/04/2022 07:25

Pay the money you owe.
Do not engage. You will sound like a nut job.
Block.

👆👆👆👆👆👆

jollygoose · 26/04/2022 19:01

Please let us kn ow what you decide - am clearly over invested in this thread and whilst I cannot comment on the excellent advice you have been given I really want to slap the beast who has caused so much distress.

neveradullmoment99 · 26/04/2022 19:02

elzober · 26/04/2022 05:36

Keep a dignified silence and don't give him penny. Block him.

This!

Chikapu · 26/04/2022 19:07

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/04/2022 17:07

Oh - and tell his parents what he did.

If you have proof, attach it.

Unless he's under ten that's a really stupid suggestion.

TokyoTen · 26/04/2022 19:08

Don't pay. Don't engage. Just block. Good luck in moving on OP and I think it sounds like a lucky escape.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 26/04/2022 19:19

it is so difficult when somebody dehumanises you, and now you DESPERATELY WANT TO BE HEARD. But I bet if you confront him, he will have rationalised it all in some way that paints him the victim and you'll just be even more upset and exasperated.

Have faith, and omg it does feel like faith, that one day you won't care whether that fucking loser randomer ''hears'' you or not.

More fights will upset you more.

Archillesheel · 26/04/2022 19:25

Don't confront him ever because if he ever had a ounce of decency, you wouldn't been in this position in the first place. No words or action would ever go through to him. You never read his email, you don't know anything about it. Just move on and never look back. Block, block and block.

Onwards22 · 26/04/2022 19:39

I personally wouldn’t want anything more to do with him so I would pay him back so I don’t ever feel like I owe him anything.

It sounds like he’s trying to make himself feel better by having ‘something on you’.

Pay him back through bank transfer and then block his number.

Artsuggestions2022 · 26/04/2022 19:42

I’d combine some of these suggestions but be very careful what you put in writing eg don’t put ‘further to our agreement to split everything on your return I won’t be doing this’

some of this guys go to court as they can’t be wrong.

I’m at a loss what is so terrible - dumped you and then shagged another girl in your hotel room!?

did you incur extra expenses? If so bill him.
else I would suggest you move on and just say

‘I accept our break up - I wish it had happened sooner. The fact that I have only wasted a year before finding out your true personality was 364 days too long.

going forwards I suggest you look at your actions when you did x y z had a number of consequences on a b and c. However my friends and family are grateful that although I was hurt, I’m am resilient and have a great support network your next victim might not be so lucky.

I strongly urge you to go for therapy / counselling etc and fully engage so that you can have a meaningful relationship as an adult going forward.

etc

i don’t understand the riddles and cloaks and dangers though - what did he do??

dumping you - he is entitled to do it if he doesn’t want a relationship F Christmas, on holiday wherever he is - you can’t just go down that line. It’s not ideal to split up on Christmas Day for example but it happens and it’s shitty .

bridgetreilly · 26/04/2022 19:48

Cut the thing in half with a chainsaw and send him his bit?

bridgetreilly · 26/04/2022 19:52

Ah. Holiday meals and incidentals? Absolutely no way should you pay, given the way he ruined the holiday.

TurquoiseDragon · 26/04/2022 19:56

I would pay the money, then block.

But, pay almost the full amount minus 10p. He'll never be able to ask you for it without looking like a loon, but it'll nag at him.

Petty, I know, but don't waste words on someone like this. Those words will just slide by him and he won't be bothered. But you will end up looking like a psycho as he twists everything you say to people.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/04/2022 20:03

You've paid for the item you have in your possession. That's the end of it.

You only incurred the share in cost holiday meals and incidentals because he didn't do the decent thing and end things before the holiday. If he had, you wouldn't have gone. That's the price he pays for being dishonest. And for subsequent disgusting behaviour.

Don't pay another penny. Add up a list of the costs you incurred due to the breakup.. It probably outweighs the meals and incidentals what a bloody cheek.

I agree with other posters, he wants to open more discussions and cause more hurt and upset. There is nothing to be gained in confronting. Send a message saying no pay. you are disgusting, no further contact.. and block him as he did you.
I hope you are over this soon, he sounds awful and you are well rid.

ExMachinaDeus · 26/04/2022 20:24

it is so difficult when somebody dehumanises you, and now you DESPERATELY WANT TO BE HEARD. But I bet if you confront him, he will have rationalised it all in some way that paints him the victim and you'll just be even more upset and exasperated.

This is very true & wise.

He wants to justify himself. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Georgeskitchen · 26/04/2022 20:26

What did he do?

WinterSunglasses · 26/04/2022 20:29

Blarting · 26/04/2022 05:57

Don't respond and block him. Honestly, the saying you say it best when you say nothing at all, springs to mind.

Do not react at all.

Carry on moving on.

This. He sounds like the type who will take any non-angry contact as proof that you're over it now and it wasn't so bad, and any anger from you as a sign that you're a raving mad bitch and it was all your fault really. Give him neither. And no money if he can afford to cover those costs.

MzHz · 26/04/2022 20:34

My love, don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing “you’ll need years in therapy”

you won’t.

you’re hurt and upset, but a relationship of a year is exactly when things STARTS to get more serious. Before this, you don’t know really who they are.

you have learned a lesson. A painful one, but it won’t break you.

id ignore him tbh, but I know that if you write the reply (and don’t send it) you’ll get it out of your system.

he’s not worth this. A year’s relationship isn’t worth this

you’ll recover

Hurstlandshome · 26/04/2022 20:36

Should he have asked for the money? Probably not. Was there an agreement? Sounds like it. Pay up. You're a better person than him, walk away with your hands clean.

a1poshpaws · 26/04/2022 20:40

Don't pay; block right now if you haven't already. Be really, really grateful you hadn't got round to marrying this turd.