Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

[goinglow]

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

I'd pay him back, without comment, because it will sever any final link between you, practically and emotionally, which will be better for YOU.

I would not engage with him in any way, not even the tempting”lucky escape” title, because this in itself would open a line of communication. Don't feed the monster.

He sounds just like my ex 😬, after a awful break up and the police being involved (because he continued to harass me) he then asked for the money back that he gave me towards a car, that money was apparently a birthday gift and to pay me for staying at my house for free. I was totally shocked, the fact he thought it was ok to ask just proves what kind of person he is and it’s the same with your ex. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. It might hurt now but in time you will feel a huge relief for finding out what he was really like before getting even further into the relationship. Just ignore his messages, block his email and concentrate on getting over him.

Pay, block, get yourself a fabulous life. He is a blip along the road. He isn't important. You loved the man you thought he was. He has shown you that he was someone completely different. You would not have bothered with the real him had he shown you his true self when you met. You have spent a year having a pleasant time that has now evaporated. Stand up straight, shake it off and make a list if how you want your new life to turn out. Don't maintain any financial ties with this worm of a nan and don't allow him space in your head. In 6 months time you will see him in the distance in town and you will wonder what on earth you saw in him.

Block and ignore.

There was a very similar vague thread to this a couple of weeks ago

I would pay him back the money to be the better person and to not be beholden to him and to not give him any opportunity to criticise you or reason to contact you again.

Whether or not you should tell him what you think of him is impossible to comment on without knowing anything of what he did. If he was violent is there a risk he might turn violent with you for example.

The best way to get back at him is to not pay him anything and block him. if he shows up somewhere to confront you about it tell him to get fucked, and still don’t pay him.

screw being the good guy.

the above is what I’d do to make myself feel better. Give him nothing. Move on.

op, I’m guessing in your head you’re telling him all of this stuff and he’s grovelling on the floor apologising. It won’t happen like that. He’ll probably laugh in your face and stick to his guns. Just don’t do it.

The question is what would be his reaction in case of you telling him and not paying money. He might :

1. apologise.


2. just swallow it


3. become nasty


4. take you to the small claim court.

We don’t know him at all so we can’t tell. I doubt he would choose option 1 though. You don’t know him either: you thought he’s nice and it turned out wrong. Would you be able to deal/cope in case of options 3 or 4?
I agree with @icelollycraving it’s better to pay and block in case there is some sort of risk for you.

I used to think that being the bigger person was important, but I've come to realise that actually it means getting fucked over even more badly. You've paid for what's in your possession, now block and ignore.
I see why you made the Amber Heard reference. There was violence and toxicity on both sides of that. So are you saying that you aren't blameless?

The Amber Heard reference was tongue in cheek. Someone had asked if he’d poo’d in the bed (which is what she did!). I was just replying to that.

He did something utterly despicable in your opinion.
He did it with the objective of hurting you. He chose the thing you would find really really utterly despicable to hurt/traumatise you the most….as much as he possibly could,
on every level.
It was deliberate on his part.
He already knows how despicable it was. It gave him pleasure to know what your reaction would be.
He isn’t your child, so it isn’t your job to admonish him.
It isn’t your job to teach him your own moral values or to make him a better citizen of the world.
He was laughing at you when he did it.
If you speak your mind at this point, you will give him a laugh / pleasure at your reaction all over again.
He will get double the satisfaction. Maybe even brag about it to his mates ..give them a laugh at your expense too.

As for the money, if you feel in your heart, you owe him money then quietly transfer it with no fuss. Otherwise, put it all out of you mind …it’s done already.

You say he wants a quiet life and to think his actions have no consequences?

I'd reply
Take me to court. I'd love what you did to become a matter of public record **
Everyone I've told agrees that what you did was the most disgusting thing they've ever heard and you have the nerve to come after me for money? Don't contact me again.

(**unless you think he knows it won't)

But that's just me. Shit like that really bothers me and brings out my inner bitch.
The more sensible thing to do would be to suck it up and give him his money back and move on. I couldn't because it would eat away at me and I wouldn't be able to let it go. I know I'm giving you a version of the annoying do as I say not as I do 😁 but you really should just pay up. It will be far less hassle for you.

Well that shouldn't have bolded. 🙄

Pay him in very small change.

I agree with this.

I also think you often only find out what people are really like when you break up with them! All sweetness and light while you are together and then utter arseholes afterwards.

See this is what I want to do.

I probably won’t because it’s a waste of my time and energy but if you happen to have a vacancy for a friend, please sign me up. You sound brilliant.

You know yourself that grey rock is the way to go. Whether you pay your contribution to him or not, stick to this and block him as far as you can. Having your say sounds therapeutic but in reality it would be more like stirring a hornets' nest. You'll likely end up wishing you hadn't, so if it helps do the old "write it all down then burn it" and resolve to move on.

Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's still having an effect on you. Dignified silence is truly the way to go. You can control your own behaviour but not his, and you know this person doesn't give the tiniest scrap of consideration for your feelings and is spiteful. Don't engage and don't let him access you easily either, block him asap.

Also a brilliant idea.

Why would you want an explanation from or be in the company of a 'disgusting cunt'? If he can break up with you out of the blue & do whatever it was that revolted you then he'd obviously been misrepresenting himself & you should be thankful that you found out before you made further committment.
He's now shown you who he really is & there's no reason for you to subject yourself to it. If you owe him money, pay him remotely & cut him out of your life.

Genius 😂😂

I don’t see why a holiday you agreed to split the cost of, would become for him to pay himself solely because he dumped you on it? These things are not related. Pay him, and move on. Years of therapy for a one year relationship doesn’t sound right, move on with your head up, OP.

Funnily enough, I do. I wonder why 🤔🤣

Agree. Ignore ignore ignore.

My friend's BF (in their 20's at the time) dumped her on holiday. She went to reception and got a separate room for the last few days before the flight back. She saw him that night when she was walking back after dinner, getting a blowjob from a local prostitute in a side alley. Classy.

This. He sounds like a right tight arse. He is actually asking for money for incidentals spent on holiday? Don't pay him a penny. Spend the money on a treat for yourself. Think of it as what he owes you for his behaviour. 💐