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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
EveningOverRooftops · 26/04/2022 07:53

just To clarify without identifying details.

did he break up with you then become a monster

or was he a monster and that forced the break up?

because to break your heart then act so callously is one thing

but to act so callous to force A break up is something else entirely.

for both he is a grade A knobber and I’d just respond ‘no.’ Nothing more, nothing less then ignore him.

were these meals and what not purchased after the break up? Why did he pay for them if you had broken up? He’s an idiot to do so.

if they were paid before the breakup then there was an assumption you would remain together and it would balance out as the relationship continued.

same applies as above.

RedHelenB · 26/04/2022 07:55

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:31

It was half of several meals and incidentals that he paid for on holiday (which is where we broke up), with an agreement to split the costs when we got home. We split it out of practicality, not out of necessity. We can both afford to cover the costs.

So pay your share, block and move on. No such thing as " trauma tax".yabu.

MRex · 26/04/2022 07:56

Him being an arse is just.one of those things; presumably you two broke up and he shagged someone else in the hotel room. I don't know why you were still sharing at that point, but it's hardly "years of therapy" territory, it's him trying to hurt you and you letting him. You dated an arsehole for a few months and now you get to date someone better, congratulations. Chatting to him about it just gives him a chance to upset you more, so that's utterly pointless. Pay what you owe, because reasonable humans pay their debts, then block him and move on.

gamerchick · 26/04/2022 07:57

Just block and ignore. If he persists, tell him what you think of him.i wouldn't be giving him a penny.

Jaxinthebox · 26/04/2022 07:57

Personally I would just block and ignore him. If what he did was so awful then you wont get any real closure by telling him what you think. It never plays out how we want it to.

Talk to your therapist, write it all out, but do NOT send it.

Id not pay him any money either. Unless he will cause you serious grief, then do as others said 'lucky escape' and bank transfer.

Then block him and move on.

RedHelenB · 26/04/2022 07:57

Loopytiles · 26/04/2022 06:39

Paying someone who treated one badly money isn’t ‘the right road’.

A court would say she owed the money she agreed to on holiday. His vile behaviour doesn't change that.

Femalewoman · 26/04/2022 07:59

He is not a child and so no need to read 'the riot act to him'. Just pay the money that you both agreed you would pay half of and move on with your life. Why drag the episode out. You say you will need help for the trauma he caused by this one act so therefore don't prolong the drama and send the money by bank transfer so it is recorded as paid and no contact needed. Move on if he is so awful.

MintyGreenDream · 26/04/2022 08:01

If he did something worse than shitting in a bed then he deserves everything he gets imo.urgh.

goinglow · 26/04/2022 08:03

icelollycraving · 26/04/2022 07:50

The two things are separate though. Costs on a holiday and then him splitting up with you?
Are you at risk of violence or is he just a shagger? If I was at risk of violence, I’d pay and block.
Perhaps don’t see it as a year wasted but many years saved.

Your last sentence here is wonderful! I absolutely love this. I’ve screenshot it 😃

OP posts:
Femalewoman · 26/04/2022 08:03

It feels like you are holding the money back you both agreed you would pay half for food costs to 'punish him' and hold some control where you have lost all control over him. That's not grown up or a positive thing to do. Avoid the revenge route, being bitter goes nowhere. He is an ass, you say you will need therapy so end the contact, pay and get on with your own life and never bother to speak to etc again.

Have a great life without him - now that is winning.

Bogeyes · 26/04/2022 08:03

Surely he treated you to a holiday! He can't expect you to pay for something he gifted to you! (If you see what I mean}

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 26/04/2022 08:06

I know in your situation I would definitely want to tell him exactly what I thought of him, but I also know that I would probably get upset and make myself look weak which would just give him something else over me.
If you feel you could hold your emotions together, go ahead and tell him what you think of him. The better thing is probably not to do it, but I know I'd feel a million times better if I got it out of my system in your situation. I think people should know the consequences of their actions and have to face up to them.

Bleachmycloths · 26/04/2022 08:07

Count your blessings. You have had a very lucky escape. I have nothing new to add as so many posters have given good advice - ignore, block, move on.

goinglow · 26/04/2022 08:08

icelollycraving · 26/04/2022 07:50

The two things are separate though. Costs on a holiday and then him splitting up with you?
Are you at risk of violence or is he just a shagger? If I was at risk of violence, I’d pay and block.
Perhaps don’t see it as a year wasted but many years saved.

Your last sentence here is wonderful! I absolutely love this. I’ve screenshot it 😃

OP posts:
MarinoRoyale · 26/04/2022 08:10

I’d transfer the money and not reply to any contact from him. Write out what you want to say but don’t send it and totally agree with the sentiment to try and re-focus on the fact you found out his true colours after one year rather than ten.

Maydaysoonenough · 26/04/2022 08:12

Set up a standing order and pay him back a pound a week.

chickyellowcute · 26/04/2022 08:17

sounds awfully like a narcissistic 'discard' he's done on you

I would pay and then make as sure as possible he can't contact you again

If you speak your mind, you'll be risking giving him 'supply' - these people don't work the way we do and normal laws of being a reasonable person with reasonable emotions and reactions do not apply

Lobelia123 · 26/04/2022 08:19

I'd pay it back for a clean break and clean conscience. Let him never have the power to say you broke up and youre a thief because you owe him money youd agreed to pay. Let him continue to be an asshole and let you continue to be amazing and wonderful. This relationship and the crap way it ended does not need to define or change you. Wishing you love and peace xxx

Blossomtoes · 26/04/2022 08:22

Butfirstcoffees · 26/04/2022 04:34

If you can afford it, transfer the money and block him. That would be my advice.

Same. You need to stop him living rent free in your head.

clpsmum · 26/04/2022 08:22

No don't pay. Tell him to fuck off and say whatever you need to say to get closure then block him on everything

oliviastwisted · 26/04/2022 08:24

No I wouldn’t pay him back. He could take me to Judge Rinder to get his money back before I’d bother.

Yes I would say, via an email or message, what was on my mind. Not abusively by calling him names, that puts you on the same level as him but just say what you need to say. I was very traumatised over something in the past (actual criminal behaviour that others swept under the rug) and I heard a lot about the moral high ground but I found “fucking the moral high ground” and saying my piece was way more effective for my recovery. Say what you need to express. Tell them how their behaviour made you feel and the effect it had on your life, never face to face because narcissistic people don’t care how you feel and you will just get their shame projected back onto you, and then do not read his response under any circumstances if indeed he bothers to respond at all. If you are really curious you could get a trusted friend to read any response before you delete in case it is a heart felt apology that would make you feel better. But most like the better course of action is delete, delete, delete.

Kastri · 26/04/2022 08:27

I say pay and block.Never respond to him again after its done.

TimeForTeaAndG · 26/04/2022 08:28

Say nothing. Reading him the riot act will not make him apologise and it will allow him to paint you as the "psycho ex".

Delete the email. Pay him back if you don't want it hanging over you. Then block him on everything.

Mosaic123 · 26/04/2022 08:30

Spend the money on manure to be delivered to him.

CaptSkippy · 26/04/2022 08:30

Treat him like he has treated you, with absolute deafening radio silence. Block him on everything and forget he exists. No way would I be paying anything unless I was legally obligated to.