Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

[goinglow]

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

I would pay what I had agreed to. I think it only fair.
What you want to tell him is a different thing.

Tell him if you want, he probably won’t give a fuck, and will laugh, but if it’d make you feel better, do it, it’s just words.

No contract, don't bother. The ex I have the most respect for it the one who finished with me and had paid £600 deposit for our holiday. He said that, as he'd finished it, he didn't think it was fair to ask for my share and would take the hit. Or words to that effect. I thought it quite gentlemanly, even though I was miffed 😆

No contract, don't bother. The ex I have the most respect for it the one who finished with me and had paid £600 deposit for our holiday. He said that, as he'd finished it, he didn't think it was fair to ask for my share and would take the hit. Or words to that effect. I thought it quite gentlemanly, even though I was miffed 😆

No contract, don't bother. The ex I have the most respect for it the one who finished with me and had paid £600 deposit for our holiday. He said that, as he'd finished it, he didn't think it was fair to ask for my share and would take the hit. Or words to that effect. I thought it quite gentlemanly, even though I was miffed 😆

No contract, don't bother. The ex I have the most respect for it the one who finished with me and had paid £600 deposit for our holiday. He said that, as he'd finished it, he didn't think it was fair to ask for my share and would take the hit. Or words to that effect. I thought it quite gentlemanly, even though I was miffed

If it was for meals You said you agreed to go half. I would send him the approximate ingredients for the meals, by post, second class so the meat takes a while to get there. but then that's just me.
The grown up thing to do is pay and black and use the energy instead to move on and take care of yourself. Any words you say to him will fall on deaf ears. Hes proved he doesn't care, don't give him the chance to reconfirm that and hurt you again.

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

If you agreed to split it and pay him back then pay him back. Yes even if he's been awful!

If you agreed to split it and pay him back then pay him back. Yes even if he's been awful!

He’s goading you into engaging with him and continuing the drama and the argument.

As tempting as it is to say all the things, I would just starve him of the oxygen of your emotions and ignore him forever.

Ha ha OP I've just cottoned on to your username 😈

@Moomeh makes a great point, above.

However - I'm a bit concerned about how you are selling yourself the upsetting notion of needing years of therapy. Therapy - with a decent practitioner - is a wonderful thing! Just ... please don't set yourself up by convincing yourself, in these early days after The Incident while your emotions are still reeling, that this man & his actions have that much power over you.

I absolutely do not want that to have come across as glib btw.
Yes, access some therapy, talk it out with pals, but also make conscious efforts to find 1) anger (I can see this is simmering, more on that later) but just as importantly - 2) humour.

There is nothing like humour for diminishing fear & disgust. You have it within you to find, perhaps not The Incident itself, but its perpetrator utterly ridiculous. What a foul little man! Thank goodness you saw his true colours before giving any more of your valuable time.

So I am suggesting a halfway house that keeps you safe, but helps you balance your own need to express your validating rage & humour:

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost

See? Here is anger - & here is your excellent sense of humour 😂😂😂- hats off to arsehole tax!

He is a CF, but you know that.
For pretending to be a decent bloke & wasting your time.
For blocking you as if YOU were the miscreant.
For then unblocking, & cheerily asking for £££ as if nowt had happened ...

As your update says you have now repaid him for the physical item you kept, I reckon that's enough "going high" to demonstrate your dignity in doing the right thing. Him chasing you up for the rest of it will just look shabby to anyone else, especially if he makes A Thing out of it. Because your response to that would surely be - "what? He committed The Incident, & now wants his ex-girlfriend to pay him for a few drinks & meals? What is he now - a gigolo?"

I've read all your posts, but not PP's yet so not sure what's been suggested - I would go with something like:

"Huh? I've paid you back for (the physical item) already as you well know.
So the great news is - neither of us owe each other any money, because I have generously written off your outstanding Arsehole Tax.
Do not contact me again. I will consider any further contact from you as harrassment - particularly in light of (The Incident)."
And ... BLOCK.

I'd probably reply just to say to say to him that what he did was disgusting and you never thought a person who supposedly loved you could treat you so bad. tell him he is scum, and then just block. don't even mention the money. maybe add in everyone you've told 100% agrees with you.

The lack of further communication from you will bother him. Under the circumstances you've described, don't pay him. and don't acknowledge it further.

Ha ha OP I've just cottoned on to your username 😈

@Moomeh makes a great point, above.

However - I'm a bit concerned about how you are selling yourself the upsetting notion of needing years of therapy. Therapy - with a decent practitioner - is a wonderful thing! Just ... please don't set yourself up by convincing yourself, in these early days after The Incident while your emotions are still reeling, that this man & his actions have that much power over you.

I absolutely do not want that to have come across as glib btw.
Yes, access some therapy, talk it out with pals, but also make conscious efforts to find 1) anger (I can see this is simmering, more on that later) but just as importantly - 2) humour.

There is nothing like humour for diminishing fear & disgust. You have it within you to find, perhaps not The Incident itself, but its perpetrator utterly ridiculous. What a foul little man! Thank goodness you saw his true colours before giving any more of your valuable time.

So I am suggesting a halfway house that keeps you safe, but helps you balance your own need to express your validating rage & humour:

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost

See? Here is anger - & here is your excellent sense of humour 😂😂😂- hats off to arsehole tax!

He is a CF, but you know that.
For pretending to be a decent bloke & wasting your time.
For blocking you as if YOU were the miscreant.
For then unblocking, & cheerily asking for £££ as if nowt had happened ...

As your update says you have now repaid him for the physical item you kept, I reckon that's enough "going high" to demonstrate your dignity in doing the right thing. Him chasing you up for the rest of it will just look shabby to anyone else, especially if he makes A Thing out of it. Because your response to that would surely be - "what? He committed The Incident, & now wants his ex-girlfriend to pay him for a few drinks & meals? What is he now - a gigolo?"

I've read all your posts, but not PP's yet so not sure what's been suggested - I would go with something like:

"Huh? I've paid you back for (the physical item) already as you well know.
So the great news is - neither of us owe each other any money, because I have generously written off your outstanding Arsehole Tax.
Do not contact me again. I will consider any further contact from you as harrassment - particularly in light of (The Incident)."
And ... BLOCK.

He’s goading you into engaging with him and continuing the drama and the argument.

As tempting as it is to say all the things, I would just starve him of the oxygen of your emotions and ignore him forever.

Incidentals OP agreed to reimburse. If the situation was reversed I bet she wouldn’t be willing to write the money off.

Just pay up and block him.

Ha ha OP I've just cottoned on to your username 😈

@Moomeh makes a great point, above.

However - I'm a bit concerned about how you are selling yourself the upsetting notion of needing years of therapy. Therapy - with a decent practitioner - is a wonderful thing! Just ... please don't set yourself up by convincing yourself, in these early days after The Incident while your emotions are still reeling, that this man & his actions have that much power over you.

I absolutely do not want that to have come across as glib btw.
Yes, access some therapy, talk it out with pals, but also make conscious efforts to find 1) anger (I can see this is simmering, more on that later) but just as importantly - 2) humour.

There is nothing like humour for diminishing fear & disgust. You have it within you to find, perhaps not The Incident itself, but its perpetrator utterly ridiculous. What a foul little man! Thank goodness you saw his true colours before giving any more of your valuable time.

So I am suggesting a halfway house that keeps you safe, but helps you balance your own need to express your validating rage & humour:

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost

See? Here is anger - & here is your excellent sense of humour 😂😂😂- hats off to arsehole tax!

He is a CF, but you know that.
For pretending to be a decent bloke & wasting your time.
For blocking you as if YOU were the miscreant.
For then unblocking, & cheerily asking for £££ as if nowt had happened ...

As your update says you have now repaid him for the physical item you kept, I reckon that's enough "going high" to demonstrate your dignity in doing the right thing. Him chasing you up for the rest of it will just look shabby to anyone else, especially if he makes A Thing out of it. Because your response to that would surely be - "what? He committed The Incident, & now wants his ex-girlfriend to pay him for a few drinks & meals? What is he now - a gigolo?"

I've read all your posts, but not PP's yet so not sure what's been suggested - I would go with something like:

"Huh? I've paid you back for (the physical item) already as you well know.
So the great news is - neither of us owe each other any money, because I have generously written off your outstanding Arsehole Tax.
Do not contact me again. I will consider any further contact from you as harrassment - particularly in light of (The Incident)."
And ... BLOCK.

I'm so tired of comments like this. Mumsnet is a massive site with millions of followers in many countries, some of whom will get dumped by narcissistic dickheads - by the law of averages there could be a thread every hour and they would all be different posters. Report if you wish but don't bother saying stuff like this.

I'm so tired of comments like this. Mumsnet is a massive site with millions of followers in many countries, some of whom will get dumped by narcissistic dickheads - by the law of averages there could be a thread every hour and they would all be different posters. Report if you wish but don't bother saying stuff like this.

Agree with this. The best thing to do is to cut contact, the quickest way to achieve that is to leave him with no reason to get in touch with you ever again.

Dont keep adding fuel to the drama, as you can afford it - cut and run.