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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 26/04/2022 20:42

goinglow · 26/04/2022 16:21

Hhmmmm. I’m not sure I can process this. What on earth would he want a dialogue for?

I agree with @BitOutOfPractice - he wants to start contact over something and this is what he has chosen. It doesn;t matter why - if he really wanted a quiet life he would not have contacted you. Do not fall into his trap.

He sounds either completely fucked up or very unpleasant - neither of which you can have a rational helpful conversation with.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/04/2022 20:55

Because @goinglow he wants to make sure you’re still engaged somehow. This is absolutely the equivalent of asking for his stuff back from your place. Any contact is good contact. He wants to have the last word / last control and he needs your response to know he has that.

WibblyWobblyJane · 26/04/2022 21:14

If he truly does not need the money, his getting in touch with you is not about the money. I think to protect yourself you should just block and ignore him so he cannot further cause you angst.

MzHz · 26/04/2022 21:38

He knows he was a complete arse and he wants to feel better

this is all about him

Cavagirl · 26/04/2022 22:03

OP read this thread from the legendary @runninginrain www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

A masterclass in block, delete and move on.

Channel your inner ice maiden, don't give him the satisfaction of any contact.

Hutchy16 · 26/04/2022 22:19

Well with op’s follow up comment after the first it became clear, even if he is a complete and utter c* it’s just tough. You agreed to split the costs at the time and so you split them.

stiritwithaknife · 26/04/2022 22:25

Hutchy16 · 26/04/2022 22:19

Well with op’s follow up comment after the first it became clear, even if he is a complete and utter c* it’s just tough. You agreed to split the costs at the time and so you split them.

One would have to be the most thread-bare doormat to repay a man for the meal he took you to in order to dump you.

TigerLilyTail · 26/04/2022 23:42

stiritwithaknife · 26/04/2022 22:25

One would have to be the most thread-bare doormat to repay a man for the meal he took you to in order to dump you.

I agree with this!!

goinglow · 27/04/2022 07:17

jollygoose · 26/04/2022 19:01

Please let us kn ow what you decide - am clearly over invested in this thread and whilst I cannot comment on the excellent advice you have been given I really want to slap the beast who has caused so much distress.

I repaid him for the things he’d purchased on my behalf (on a day my card wasn’t working as I hadn’t activated it for international purchases). Perhaps I shouldn’t have done but they’re items I love and use daily and I didn’t want them associated with him. Nor did I want him to tell anyone I’d ‘stolen’ or whatever.

I then messaged him a one liner asking for a breakdown of a cost he sent me that I suspect is associated to his night of insanity after we broke up. Literally just ‘send me an itemised cost of that charge’. And that was it.

No further contact. He hasn’t replied. I have no desire to hear from him.

However, I will calculate my costs at some point and if I’m wildly out of pocket, I may consider following up. For now it’s just no contact and moving on. I anticipate he won’t reply to the request I sent him.

OP posts:
TigerLilyTail · 27/04/2022 08:21

I suspect you will hear from him again.

Remember, whatever he says, just don’t get sucked in.

You don’t owe him any explanations. Just block and ignore. Block and ignore!

BitOutOfPractice · 27/04/2022 09:09

Oh you’ll hear from him again. I’d bet my mortgage in it. You’ve given him what he wanted. Contact.

TigerLilyTail · 27/04/2022 09:14

BitOutOfPractice · 27/04/2022 09:09

Oh you’ll hear from him again. I’d bet my mortgage in it. You’ve given him what he wanted. Contact.

Yes! And don't forget that bad contact is still contact as far as he'll be concerned. It won't make sense to you, but as long as the channel of communication is open, that's all that matters.

But, hopefully, we are wrong and you'll never hear from the creep again.

goinglow · 27/04/2022 11:06

Thanks all. Everyone on this thread has been awesome!!!

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 27/04/2022 11:13

Can you tell us what you decided to do goinglow??

goinglow · 27/04/2022 11:45

Swayingpalmtrees · 27/04/2022 11:13

Can you tell us what you decided to do goinglow??

It’s there a few posts up!

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 27/04/2022 11:56

Ah yes, I missed it. Good, so you just paid for the things you most definitely owed and let him hang for the rest. Good for you. I am sorry you have had such a horrible time with him. Onwards and upwards, good to identify the frogs before marriage I would say!!

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