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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
OatmilkandCookies · 25/04/2022 12:00

Is there anyone else at all who can help? If not, can your sister pay a babysitter for the day? It seems a real shame for you to have to miss out on being at your ceremony for the full time, or to have to bring then with you and have to watch them for the day. This is her issue to sort, and I'm sure that for one day she can sort something.

emmathedilemma · 25/04/2022 12:00

Do they not have a school friend they could go home with as a one off?

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:01

None of your sisters friends can help? No play date for the 6-year-old?

As a one-off the childminder or babysitter is the answer, TBH.

With the greatest of respect, this is not your issue to solve but your sister’s problem. What is the longer term plan for her after school childcare? Presumably you’re not doing it for the best part of a decade?

Playplayaway · 25/04/2022 12:02

A big day for you and this shouldn't be your problem. Why is this your job? Do you get paid?

Most graduations are tight on numbers so I'm not sure you'd get four guests in.

Could you ask a parent of a school friend to collect them and offer to return the favour?

emmathedilemma · 25/04/2022 12:02

Also try Emergency Childcare but i agree with the PP that this is your sister's problem to sort really.

LampLighter414 · 25/04/2022 12:03

What about their dad?

Any school mum friends who might be able to have them over to play until tea time?

In a worst case just go with one parent? It's not the end of the world.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:03

one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids

Has annoying asked her? A one-off pick up from school and shove in front of TV with snacks is manageable for most people!

LampLighter414 · 25/04/2022 12:05

Oh wait I just realised they're your sisters kids... And the ex partner isn't involved. Err it's for her to solve? I presume there was and potentially still is plenty of notice on this?

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:05

No, they've never done playdates or anything. No school friends mums who can help (it's a weird area, people don't speak in the queue!)

Childminder/baby sitter are too expensive unfortunately (and honestly, I haven't even found one I'd trust who has availability)

The answer would be her ex-partner taking responsibility for his kids but he's a huge twat and only wants them on his terms.

OP posts:
newbiename · 25/04/2022 12:09

I don't see it as your problem to sort out.
Most graduation ceremonies have limited numbers.
Can your mum or dad stay behind ?

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:09

LampLighter414 · 25/04/2022 12:03

What about their dad?

Any school mum friends who might be able to have them over to play until tea time?

In a worst case just go with one parent? It's not the end of the world.

Both of my parents want to be there. (We had a really shit year last year with my mam in ICU for months and my dad was recently very unwell too so I don't want either of them to miss out)

It's on Thursday, just found out this morning that her work have refused to give her time off because of training and she doesn't feel that she can insist because it's her first week.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:10

Why are you looking for childminders or babysitters?

Honestly, you’re the one person in this scenario who can’t solve this - you are 100% required at the graduation ceremony.

Either your sister takes time off, one of your parents doesn’t see you graduate, the childless aunt does it, a friend does it or a paid babysitter (that your sister finds) looks after them.

If their father refuses no one can force him.

But you need to stop trying to be the one to fix it.

pascalsmum · 25/04/2022 12:11

Sorry OP.. why is this your issue to fix.

These are not your kids and you have an important ceremony to attend. Why would you be looking at childcare costs ? Surely it's your sister who should be doing this. ?

Now you have your qualification I assume you will be working . How is your sister going to deal with her kids then ?

If I had a relative whose kids I collected from school - I would simply inform them that I am not a available on that date and leave it to them to sort ..

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:12

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:03

one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids

Has annoying asked her? A one-off pick up from school and shove in front of TV with snacks is manageable for most people!

She's made it very clear in the past that she isn't available for childcare.

Honestly I've been wracking my brain all morning to think of something and the best I can do is taking them with me. I have three tickets and my mum uses a wheelchair. If needed, the littlest can sit on someone's lap. I just don't know if we'll be allowed in.

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 25/04/2022 12:13

The only option I can see is that one of your parents has the kids.
I graduated years ago but we were only allowed 2 guests. Both my parents were coming but my dad was going to wait outside with DS.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:13

It's on Thursday, just found out this morning that her work have refused to give her time off because of training and she doesn't feel that she can insist because it's her first week.

Not cool that she’s basically handing you a problem to solve. She needs to make a plan, not you.

Is she on any WhatsApp parent groups for her year groups?

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:15

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:10

Why are you looking for childminders or babysitters?

Honestly, you’re the one person in this scenario who can’t solve this - you are 100% required at the graduation ceremony.

Either your sister takes time off, one of your parents doesn’t see you graduate, the childless aunt does it, a friend does it or a paid babysitter (that your sister finds) looks after them.

If their father refuses no one can force him.

But you need to stop trying to be the one to fix it.

Because quite frankly, if I don't try to sort something, I might as well just not bother going cause neither my sister or her ex are terribly bothered about sorting something! Sis has her hands full with the new job and her ex hates me because he blames me for them splitting up.

OP posts:
Playplayaway · 25/04/2022 12:15

Maybe at school pick up today you could approach some of the parents and ask if they know anyone who can do an emergency pick up. You might come across someone who is happy to help as a one off. If not I'm sure someone will know a local childminder or babysitter.

This is really where having play dates and getting to know other parents comes in handy.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:20

Both your sister and your ex will be bothered when no one is there to collect their children from school and they’re called at work to come immediately.

Im sorry, OP - you sound lovely but way too accommodating.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 25/04/2022 12:20

Quite honestly I think you should go and let your sister and her ex sort it. If no one collects them they would call them anyway. This is not your responsibility

one to fix it. *
Because quite frankly, if I don't try to sort something, I might as well just not bother going cause neither my sister or her ex are terribly bothered about sorting something! Sis has her hands full with the new job and her ex hates me because he blames me for them splitting up.*

lovemelongtime · 25/04/2022 12:20

Seriously , it's not your problem. Don't let it spoil your day. I know you're just trying to help, but they are your sisters kids and she needs to find a solution.

neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 12:21

Agree this is 100% your sisters problem to solve. You should not be looking for babysitters or "wracking your brains". I understand its a new job and she doesn't want to rock the boat, but I think she needs to have another conversation with her Manager and explain that she has exhausted all potential options and, as a one off, she will have to leave early because there is no one else to collect her children from school.

godmum56 · 25/04/2022 12:22

not your kids not your problem. "So sorry Sis I won't be available on xxx day"

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:22

Playplayaway · 25/04/2022 12:15

Maybe at school pick up today you could approach some of the parents and ask if they know anyone who can do an emergency pick up. You might come across someone who is happy to help as a one off. If not I'm sure someone will know a local childminder or babysitter.

This is really where having play dates and getting to know other parents comes in handy.

Unfortunately I'm working today and their dad is picking them up. He won't do anything to help me including asking other parents to watch them!

Childcare is unaffordable unfortunately!

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:24

neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 12:21

Agree this is 100% your sisters problem to solve. You should not be looking for babysitters or "wracking your brains". I understand its a new job and she doesn't want to rock the boat, but I think she needs to have another conversation with her Manager and explain that she has exhausted all potential options and, as a one off, she will have to leave early because there is no one else to collect her children from school.

She's been told if she does that, she won't be kept on as she's missing important training. And she can't afford to lose the job. It's absolutely shit but not her fault unfortunately!

OP posts: