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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Lovemypeaceandquiet · 25/04/2022 13:28

Honestly @QuestionableMouse I’m annoyed on your behalf.

I don’t know how on earth your sister made you feel responsible for her children to the extent you think if you want pick them up from school no one will. Her and her ex brought those kids to this world and have the parental responsibility.

bumblefeline · 25/04/2022 13:29

Bizarre thread, her kids, her problem.

fruitbrewhaha · 25/04/2022 13:29

Your sister has been very silly not to fix up a support network. he just assumes you will drop everything in order to care for her children. Why her ex blames you is all very odd and would also add to the narrative that you and your sister are rather heavily entwined. It's great that you have her back, but she really needs to find alternative childcare for when things go wrong. Making friends with parents in your kid's class is important, for play dates, for keeping on top if info from the school and also for being able to help each other out.

lillyrabbit · 25/04/2022 13:29

Having been to a number of these ceremonies, PLEASE do not take the children! The ceremonies are very long and boring and the kids would hate it. At my uni they had a room available for extra relatives without tickets where they could watch a live feed of the ceremony - is anything like this available so your dad could do this with the kids? He could then take them in and out if they got fidgety. Having said that, taking them should be an absolute last resort, not least because they shouldn’t have to miss a day of school just to stand around being bored all afternoon. I find it hard to believe there is no other option - I would most definitely be asking the childless aunt as a one off and failing that trying babysitting services (surely you can afford a couple of hours of childcare between you, how expensive is it?!)

Abetes · 25/04/2022 13:30

Don't take them with you. That would cause even more stress if they are not allowed in. Ask another parent in the pick up queue. I know you've said that they are not friendly but they might be if you ask them. Ask the child who their closest friends are and take it from there.

JudgeJ · 25/04/2022 13:30

newbiename · 25/04/2022 12:09

I don't see it as your problem to sort out.
Most graduation ceremonies have limited numbers.
Can your mum or dad stay behind ?

Why should her parents miss seeing their daughter graduate because their other daughter can't organise her life herself? It's not the OP's problem, it's her sister's, leave it to her to sort out. Some people seem to drift through life expecting everyone else to sort their problems because they're too lazy.
I hope your parents get to see you graduate, congratulations on your achievement and make sure you have lots of tissues for them!

DrDinosaur · 25/04/2022 13:31

This is really not your problem, OP. And no, you can't take the children with you, they won't be allowed in. You have told the children's parents you won't be available on that day, its now up to them to sort something out. Don't give it any more thought.
Congratulations on achieving your MA, and enjoy your day.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 13:31

Well done for messaging. Hope they step up.

TeeBee · 25/04/2022 13:31

Well the parents certainly won't jump to sort the situation when they have you running around after them. Do not take young children to a graduation ceremony...it is the most boring thing on earth. You, your dad and mum all need to say 'sorry, we're not available, you'll have to sort something out' and let the parents actually parent. You're doing them no favours by taking on this load. Its absolutely ridiculous that you are running around doing this.

TeeBee · 25/04/2022 13:34

Considering the situation she is in, its very important that your sister starts to build up a network of friends around her that she can share childcare with...or source a suitable babysitter. You need to take a big step back to encourage her to do this.

TinaYouFatLard · 25/04/2022 13:35

Your sister must have a contingency plan, not only for occasions such as this but for any event that you are not available (illness, injury etc. also assuming you will be using your MA to work yourself).

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 13:37

Just messaged both off them putting my foot down though! No replies yet.

Messaged who and put your foot down how?

ADuvetIsNotJustForHalloween · 25/04/2022 13:37

Could you ask if any of your friends graduating might have extra guests who won't get into the ceremony but there to watch on a live link, see the procession at the start / end, go for lunch with their family etc etc? Pne of them might be able to watch them if you take the kids to the ceremony and hand them over for a short time?

BungleandGeorge · 25/04/2022 13:38

if you have kids and work you need to fund childcare, your sister can’t just say it ‘too expensive’. She extremely lucky she gets it’s for free most of the time. In the circumstances I think
her best bet is grovelling to the aunt. It’s only about an hour required til you’ll be home, she can just get them an ice cream and let them run round the park or stick them in front of the tv.

Twinstudy · 25/04/2022 13:38

You say you've got three tickets so would the aunt look after one child if she's not comfortable with two? And you take the other with you?

But really none of this is your problem

squiller · 25/04/2022 13:39

It’s your sister’s issue. Lovely you care about her so much but they are her responsibility, not yours. She either collects them and risks the new job or she finds someone else to do it. Maybe one of your parents will have to miss out, the other parent could film it for them at least?

dreamingbohemian · 25/04/2022 13:43

All this stress over one hour of childcare!

OP I'm glad you put your foot down, none of this is your problem.

Someone needs to lean on auntie or cough up 20 quid, this is not an unsolvable problem.

tendence · 25/04/2022 13:43

Haven't read all suggestions so apologies if this has been suggested already... Are you friendly with one of their teachers? Is there any way one of them might be willing to help out, privately, not in their 'school capacity' or on the school grounds, given that it's a one off, they might know that your sister is in a difficult position etc. If one of them is younger and/or haven't got any family on their own, might they be willing to take them to the cinema/to a café/playground/anything for an hour or two if you pay them for it?

VeneziaGiulia45 · 25/04/2022 13:43

Isn't this your sister's problem to solve?

whynotwhatknot · 25/04/2022 13:44

Sorry op it rally isnt your problem to fix-what if you were ill or you changed jobs-she has to have a plan b to cover everything

reall dont think taking 2 kids out of school and hope they can come in the ceremony is fair

Calmdown14 · 25/04/2022 13:45

Your sister needs to be proactive. Is there not a local FB for school parents she could ask on or a what's app.group?

A playdate for each would be easiest option.

Otherwise she will just have to explain the occasion and that this is a one off to her new employer. Perhaps she could make up the time over pervious days.

If none of this is viable then we have a room with a live feed. It's more relaxed so be easier with a child. Your dad would need to watch there with the kids but it seems a shame. It would mean he sees it and the kids feature in your graduation pics so maybe has some plus points

Staffordshireknotter · 25/04/2022 13:45

tendence · 25/04/2022 13:43

Haven't read all suggestions so apologies if this has been suggested already... Are you friendly with one of their teachers? Is there any way one of them might be willing to help out, privately, not in their 'school capacity' or on the school grounds, given that it's a one off, they might know that your sister is in a difficult position etc. If one of them is younger and/or haven't got any family on their own, might they be willing to take them to the cinema/to a café/playground/anything for an hour or two if you pay them for it?

A professional and safeguarding nightmare surely!

Eeksteek · 25/04/2022 13:47

Oh, what a difficult situation. I am often in your sister’s situation - lone parent, no local family and it’s me or no one, however good the reason. I live in terror of getting really ill. I’d be fucked. My kid (or more probably, I) never made the kind of friends that could share childcare, for all that I tried, and it’s really hard. I got this attitude from work all the time ‘surely there’s someone who can take them?’ (Or my personal favourite when my car broke down ‘don’t you have another car you can use?’) And no, there just isn’t (who has a spare car, ffs?!)

I would take them, and if it’s not possible to take them in, one of the DPs will have to wait outside for part of the time. Sorry, it’s crappy. But what else is there?

Cleothecat75 · 25/04/2022 13:50

if I don't try to sort something, I might as well just not bother going cause neither my sister or her ex are terribly bothered about sorting something

It sounds like you need to tell your sister you won’t be collecting the children on that day under any circumstances. She either Collects her children at the correct time, sorts someone else out To collect or the children are uncollected and school then follow their ‘uncollected child policy’. Which would involve them phoning all emergency contacts until someone agrees to collect the child or a phone call to either the police or social services as they have abandoned children. I would not be going for the third option if I were your sister.

I find it really hard to believe that all the registered childcare options available can not be trusted. If they are registered, they will have been checked and inspected by ofsted. Even if they don’t meet your families ideals long term, as a one off emergency they might have to be ok and I imagine Would be a far better option than the children being uncollected at school.

but, this is is not your problem to fix.

Haus1234 · 25/04/2022 13:53

tendence · 25/04/2022 13:43

Haven't read all suggestions so apologies if this has been suggested already... Are you friendly with one of their teachers? Is there any way one of them might be willing to help out, privately, not in their 'school capacity' or on the school grounds, given that it's a one off, they might know that your sister is in a difficult position etc. If one of them is younger and/or haven't got any family on their own, might they be willing to take them to the cinema/to a café/playground/anything for an hour or two if you pay them for it?

This is not a good idea, leave the poor teachers out of this.