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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:

RealBecca · 25/04/2022 13:06

Also if those wont be her normal contractual hours some employers pay childcare. I think she's letting this be your problem.

Original poster

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 13:06

I already have a job but work weird hours, hence being available!

OP posts:

saveforthat · 25/04/2022 13:06

I don't understand why you think it's your problem. You say your Sister won't bother if you don't but would she really leave her children with noone to pick them up?

Horriblewoman · 25/04/2022 13:08

It's outrageous that this is your problem to solve.

PoshPyjamas · 25/04/2022 13:08

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

IcakethereforeIam · 25/04/2022 13:09

Congratulations on your MA. You must have worked really hard. Treat yourself to one of these:

www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/NO-by-expandable/17337679.FB110

Fulmine · 25/04/2022 13:10

I can't see any prospect of the university allowing extra children into the ceremony. They usually keep tickets very strictly limited to a maximum of two. Graduation ceremonies are, to be honest, deadly boring for the relatives apart from that moment when you're in the limelight, and I think your parents would struggle to keep two young children quiet.

Is it really so impossible for the four of you together to scrape up enough to pay a babysitter for the afternoon?

Viviennemary · 25/04/2022 13:10

You certainly shouldn't miss the graduation. If paid childcare is the only answer split the costs between you all. Or lend your sister the money.

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 13:11

What do you mean abandoned at the school, OP? Your sister would just leave them there?

I agree with everyone else, this is not your problem. Tell sister she needs to find a solution.

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 13:11

(I hope the fuckwit ex comes a cropper)

Crimblecrumblerules · 25/04/2022 13:12

Does your sister not have a back up plan for if you are ill, or either of her children are ill and not able to go to school. Cant always rely on the same people all the time as they might not be available. Its essential to make "mum" friends for situations such as this. Does no-one know a local reliable 6th former who might be free that afternoon for £20 or so?

Yellownightmare · 25/04/2022 13:12

Do you not have any friends that would do it for you as a one off. I would help you out if you were my friend.

lanthanum · 25/04/2022 13:13

You're looking for an hour or so's childcare. Childcare might be expensive on a regular basis, but for a one-off it costs less than someone would lose in pay by taking the day off. If you've established that there is a childminder who could take them as a one-off, why not club together on that. Meanwhile, your sister should start cultivating some friendships locally, if only for this sort of occasion. If you do the pickups, you can help by trying to do likewise. Find out who their friends are. "Would little Johnny like to come to play after school tomorrow?" "We're going to go the park after school tomorrow. Would you and Polly like to join us?"

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 13:13

I would consider the following options:

call the university for an answer
turn up with the kids and let them turn me away
fork out for the childcare given how important this is

Can't think of any more, you'll have to pick one and go with it.

Prinnny · 25/04/2022 13:14

It’s really really not your problem, you are not their parent. Sounds like your sister has been taking the piss for a long time. You say no and she needs to sort her children. I don’t believe she doesn’t have no friends or no school mums she can ask, she just can’t be arsed because she knows her gullible sister will pick up the slack.

Your plan of taking the kids is unfair the other guests, and won’t it mean taking them out of school to enable you to get their on time? Will school approve that?

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 13:15

This is what should have happened

Sister to employer: I am so excited to start but on X date I have an unavoidable childcare situation for which I’ll need to leave at Xpm. It’s a one-off and won’t recur.

New employer: That’s difficult because X, Y, Z and as we are giving you 6 week’s notice can you arrange alternatives because this training is mandatory and essential and cannot be rearranged.

Sister: As I explained this is impossible so can I delay my start date/go into another training week/etc

Employer: mutual solution found OR sister has fair warning and she makes sure things are arranged in advance.

What’s clearly happened here is she’s either given feck all notice to her employer OR she’s known for ages she can’t do this time off and she’s left it till the last minute secure in the knowledge you always bail her out.

It’s your sister’s fault.

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 13:15

You say none of you can afford the childcare, but surely together you can?
I'd take them though rather than leave the kids with a stranger who is an hour away.

Scout2016 · 25/04/2022 13:16

Could you attend a different ceremony? You wouldn't be graduating with your course mates which would be a shame but might work? I'm sure at my graduation there were a few one off random people but I might be misremembering.

I agree it's not your problem though and that you all chopping in for a childminder for an hour would be better.

Xiomara22 · 25/04/2022 13:20

After school club?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 25/04/2022 13:23

Op as others say it’s not your problem to sort . Your sister will have to ask the ex not for you to worry about .
its lovely that you want to help but good god she needs to find the solution not you , go to the graduation.

Original poster

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 13:24

Course was online so I don't really know my course mates. My gown and everything are booked for this ceremony and at this stage I'm not sure if that could be changed.

Just messaged both off them putting my foot down though! No replies yet.

OP posts:

NewandNotImproved · 25/04/2022 13:25

‘If I don’t sort it no one else will’
its not your problem to solve, it’s your sisters. Pass it back to her. If she won’t collect her kids (and sadly picked a shit male to father them) she gets to pay a fine, pay for childcare, or find a job that accommodates her lifestyle choice to have kids. She needs to wracking her brain, you need to develop boundaries. Seems like you’re being made a mug of.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 25/04/2022 13:26

@QuestionableMouse I think every possible solution has been suggested tbh.

I'm really confused as to why your sister doesn't seem to give a shit about what happens to her dc or why any of this is truly your issue to sort. I do think you need to toughen up with her as do your parents.

Please don't try and take the dc to your ceremony. They aren't even your dc!

Cluelessmouse · 25/04/2022 13:26

Your sister isn’t bothered about sorting her own kids? neither is their dad

and your parents are so insistant to see you graduate that you’re at the point of saying you maybe can’t go at all, to your own graduation.

Also your aunt isn’t avail for childcare even on this occasion

why are your whole family so intent on being selfish whilst you are so intent on wracking your brains to find solutions for them all, and ignoring that every poster is saying the exact same thing.

you not trusting any babysitter at all and your sister and both of her children having absolutely no friends in the whole world is weird.

If you insist on making this your issue, many unis offer a big screen with the ceremony on, where other family can go, can one of your parents go there with the kids, and then be there with you for photos and celebrating before and after the ceremony? Or one of your parents will have to stay at a nearby cafe and miss the ceremony itself.

EL8888 · 25/04/2022 13:28

I would take a step back. Your sister needs to work out a solution. After all, you are the one who did the hard graft of a masters!

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