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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Hobnobswantshernameback · 25/04/2022 12:41

No you won't be able to take them to the graduation and you'll be turned away at the door causing an embarrassing and unpleasant scene for your family.

thinking123 · 25/04/2022 12:43

If you have three tickets already maybe put a call
Out to your university fronds and see if anyone has one spare ticket

dancinfeet · 25/04/2022 12:43

It’s not your problem, just don’t collect from them from school- you have informed your sister and it’s her problem to sort.
Don’t turn up to graduation with a couple of extra little kids in tow- it may mean that none of your guests are allowed in, or if they are- can you 100% guarantee that they will be absolutely silent, and sit still without wriggling/ running about? I think most people would be fuming if their formal graduation is disrupted by a couple of small children.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 25/04/2022 12:44

And I'm confused my you said you asked the school if they can recommend a babysitter but you've said in other posts you can't afford one 🤔
id be seriously pissed off if I couldn't get in to my kids graduation because you'd blagged two ticketless extras in and taken up space already booked

PurpleParrotfish · 25/04/2022 12:44

There must be a professional who can do it - it might not be cheap for your sister but cheaper than her losing her job. At first I thought of the Sitters agency but they might not be insured to travel with kids. Worth asking maybe though? My local council website has a list of childminders so yours might too? Or she could grovel to the aunt for just a one-off, as suggested.

WildCoasts · 25/04/2022 12:44

Your sister needs to be told that you aren't available and she has to sort out an alternative. They aren't your children.

Maray1967 · 25/04/2022 12:45

Uni lecturer here. My uni does not allow extra guests. What is likely to happen is that one of your parents could take one of the DC in but the other parent and dC would have to wait outside the graduation venue.
This is something your sister has to sort out. You are writing as though you are the parent!
If literally no one else will/can have them, one of your parents will have to.

Bayleaf25 · 25/04/2022 12:46

This is really tough and has been left rather last minute to sort out (I’m guessing graduation date known in advance and DS knew she was starting a new job).

however, no I don’t think you can take kids to the ceremony (2 tickets is standard and it’s not fair on others who may also have wanted to bring children/other family). The ceremony would be long and quite boring for the kids too.

This is 100% your sisters problem to sort. I’m sure she must have at least one friend she could ask?? Or your parents speak to your Aunt.

Worst case scenario your Dad would have to miss the ceremony or your sister will have to do it and risk being sacked. Or find an expensive babysitter and your sister will junior have to find the money (or borrow from your parents). Sounds harsh but you shouldn’t have to miss your graduation and it shouldn’t be you sorting this out.

Haus1234 · 25/04/2022 12:46

There is not no point in going to a graduation ceremony you worked for, just because one of your parents can’t be there and will have to watch the kids (which sounds like it’s going to be the solution tbh).

Your sister sounds awful btw.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:48

Questionable you seem utterly lovely but surrounded by fuckwits who are taking advantage of you.

If you were my friend and we’re honest that everyone had left you in the shit and we’re about to ruin your big day you worked hard for I would pick up your niece and nephew for you, and then take you out for a drink where I put a rocket up your arse about no longer enabling fuckwits to take advantage.

I really hope you get this sorted for Thurs and I understand why you’re trying to fix it but this is 100% your sister’s shitshow and you should make it a line in the sand for the future.

Flowers
Rainbowqueeen · 25/04/2022 12:48

Do your parents have any friends or neighbours who would help as a one off?? Otherwise uni crèche is a good idea.

10HailMarys · 25/04/2022 12:50

neither my sister or her ex are terribly bothered about sorting something!

The reason they're not terribly bothered about sorting something is because you're treating as your problem and not theirs. If you say 'I won't be picking your children up that day, so you need to make other arrangements' they will, quite clearly, have to sort something.

Are you doing the school run for your sister every bloody day? What, exactly, would happen if you were ill, or had to sit an exam for your degree course, or had a hospital appointment or something, or one of your parents had an accident and you had to be there for then?

And what about your own work? Is your sister expecting you to fit your own job prospects around her kids' mid-afternoon school pick-up?

How is any of this fair or sustainable? Your sister needs to step up and actually be the parent here. I guarantee you that most of the other kids at the school will have playdates etc now and again. You are not responsible for organising your sister's childcare for the kids she chose to have, FFS.

If you do have to take the kids to the graduation ceremony (which would be far from ideal) then one of your parents must take them out immediately if they start making a noise or wanting to get up. A graduation ceremony is an extremely dull thing for a 4 and 6 year old to sit through.

Bayleaf25 · 25/04/2022 12:50

Not many unis have a crèche these days. I work in one and our crèche closed down about 15 years ago.

jellybeanteaparty · 25/04/2022 12:50

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

Is the 2.15 the ceremony finish time or a lunch? Can Dad go to some of it and still collect the children? If you were unwell who picks up the children?

TheDug4 · 25/04/2022 12:52

This is bonkers. They're not even your kids.
This is not your problem to solve.
The sister who birthed them needs to sort it out. Ridiculous.

ManAlive24 · 25/04/2022 12:53

Who has a 6-year old AND a 4 year old and no friends? And how can none of you afford a babysitter for one afternoon? What a weird bunch.

WouldBeGood · 25/04/2022 12:55

You need to say to your sister that you can’t get them that day and leave it to her to sort something out.

This is a big day for you and your parents and to should enjoy it! Not be trying to arrange childcare for other people’s children.

She’s lucky to have you, don’t forget that.

NeneValleyGirl · 25/04/2022 12:56

Ask on your local Facebook pages for childminder recommendations or contact local nurseries see if any of their girls would babysit for a couple of hours. You keep mentioning costs but this is a fact of life with two school age children and not having adequate childcare cover. Someone has to cough up.

FB Might also attract attention of other parents at that school who could offer to help out, if you/your sister really can’t being yourself to ask them in person...

worse case scenario is nobody picks them up on time from school, school rings their Mum, mum says she either can or can’t pick them up, school hangs onto them for a couple of hours and if mum still doesn’t turn up I think they must pass them onto social services. Maybe that will prick up your sister’s ears and take charge of the situation.

This situation has solutions, as lone parents without childcare women have faced it many times. You don’t need to sacrifice anything, their Mum does.

HollowTalk · 25/04/2022 12:56

What will your sister do when you get a job?

RedHelenB · 25/04/2022 12:59

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:24

She's been told if she does that, she won't be kept on as she's missing important training. And she can't afford to lose the job. It's absolutely shit but not her fault unfortunately!

Show quote history

Well she'll have to call their bluff then.Or actually let school call her ex.But the kids can't come to the graduation ceremony as you only have 2 tickets, plus it would be very long and boring for them.

Beetlewings · 25/04/2022 12:59

Take them. Your mum and dad can watch them and won't miss out on seeing you graduate. It'll be a lovely family day

WouldBeGood · 25/04/2022 13:02

A graduation ceremony with two small
children would be a bloody nightmare. Not fair on anyone, or the other graduates.

RealBecca · 25/04/2022 13:02

Leave it to your sister if she doesnt sort childcare then quite rightly Social Services may be involved.

Stop enabling her useless behaviour.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 25/04/2022 13:03

🤔

RealBecca · 25/04/2022 13:04

It's nicethat you care but actually it's really counter productive. If she cant and wont sort the kids then you may be better letting things take the natural course. If she cant step up for basic care arrangements what will she do in a genuinely difficult situation where she has to parent her children instead of taking the path of least resistance

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