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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:

GreenClock · 25/04/2022 13:54

Your sister and her ex need to co-parent effectively and responsibly, like adults. This incident may be the push they need to grow up a bit.

And congratulations! Enjoy your day.

godmum56 · 25/04/2022 13:54

Viviennemary · 25/04/2022 13:10

You certainly shouldn't miss the graduation. If paid childcare is the only answer split the costs between you all. Or lend your sister the money.

why? they are not her children

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 25/04/2022 13:59

It’s your sisters problem to sort out. You sound lovely but you’re allowed one day off to celebrate your achievement without this stress. I’m a mother and would never leave my sibling to sort my childcare.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/04/2022 13:59

You're very kind, but it's your sisters problem to solve
When my son graduated with a Masters, he was only allowed 2 guests

silverbubbles · 25/04/2022 14:00

You all need to club together and pay for someone to help out or one or both of your parents stays home to look after the children.

gingerhills · 25/04/2022 14:00

Your sister needs to call in some favours from other school mums and organise playdates for both children. If she doesn't know any of the mums, then she should ask her DC who their best friends are at school, call the mothers, explain and offer a reciprocal playdate on weekend.

Or she needs to pay for a reliable local childminder to take them for that one day and notify the school. This is her job to sort out, unfortunately, since her ex is being so unhelpful.

ScatteredMama82 · 25/04/2022 14:05

Go to your graduation, and stop being such a doormat!! This is not your problem to solve. Sorry to be so blunt but you deserve to graduate and enjoy it.

RedToothBrush · 25/04/2022 14:07

You have the word 'doormat' on your forehead.

Your sister shouldn't be expecting you to sort this out.

If you say you can't do it, because you have something important in your life then she needs to sort this shit out.

All the stuff about money and work not letting her, is her form of emotional blackmail to control you and for her to abdicate the responsibility.

You are committed to something that is inhibiting your life but isn't your responsibility.

What happens if you have kids? Will she return the favour? (clue: no she won't). What happens if you get a full time job after graduating? Are you going to be paying for HER childcare? (clue: if you do, you are being a complete mug). Are you going to avoid certain life events / jobs because she can't get a babysitter? What happens if you get a job interview around home time? Oh sorry, just got to bring my sister's kids along?

This is the time to asset boundaries and say 'this is my life, I need to do this, you need to sort your shit out.'

To be blunt, if it means she loses her job, or has to get another one, then thats what she has to do because her current one isn't compatible with looking after her kids.

Sorry, but stop making excuses for your sister. She's using you and holding you to emotional ransom. At some point in the near future you are going to have to start saying 'No'. Do it now, before it gets harder or you start to miss out on things in your life out of guilt.

TabithaHazel · 25/04/2022 14:08

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:09

Both of my parents want to be there. (We had a really shit year last year with my mam in ICU for months and my dad was recently very unwell too so I don't want either of them to miss out)

It's on Thursday, just found out this morning that her work have refused to give her time off because of training and she doesn't feel that she can insist because it's her first week.

Show quote history

It's on Thursday, just found out this morning that her work have refused to give her time off because of training and she doesn't feel that she can insist because it's her first week.

But what would she do if one of the kids were sick and she had to stay home? And has she actually explained the situation to her work? It's nice of you to help her out so much, but this is her issue to solve, unless you want to offer to pay for a one-off baby sitter.

TonTonMacoute · 25/04/2022 14:10

Agree with PPs that your sister has to sort this out. Why should you and your parents miss out on this very special day because she can't get her act together.

I'm sorry if she's had a shit time but this has actually exposed a massive problem with her childcare arrangements, she is totally reliant on her family to bail her out. Obviously you are all happy to do this for her, but she is taking you all for granted.

What would happen if there was an emergency and you and your parents were unavailable? She would be in the same situation but worse.

She needs a proper back up and now is as good a time as any for her to sort it out herself.

TonTonMacoute · 25/04/2022 14:11

Agree with PPs that your sister has to sort this out. Why should you and your parents miss out on this very special day because she can't get her act together.

What would happen if there was an emergency and you and your parents were unavailable? She would be in the same situation but worse.

She needs a proper back up and now is as good a time as any for her to sort it out herself.

OatmilkandCookies · 25/04/2022 14:15

Eeksteek · 25/04/2022 13:47

Oh, what a difficult situation. I am often in your sister’s situation - lone parent, no local family and it’s me or no one, however good the reason. I live in terror of getting really ill. I’d be fucked. My kid (or more probably, I) never made the kind of friends that could share childcare, for all that I tried, and it’s really hard. I got this attitude from work all the time ‘surely there’s someone who can take them?’ (Or my personal favourite when my car broke down ‘don’t you have another car you can use?’) And no, there just isn’t (who has a spare car, ffs?!)

I would take them, and if it’s not possible to take them in, one of the DPs will have to wait outside for part of the time. Sorry, it’s crappy. But what else is there?

I'm sorry for the difficulties you face, but surely you can see this is an entirely different situation.
OP is extremely kind and generous with her child care for her sisters children, but for this one occasion is expecting the children's parents to step up, so for this one time she should not have to bring them. They should be able to find an alternative and think of the OP's special day, especially given all she does for them.

the80sweregreat · 25/04/2022 14:15

Is there an after school club at the school ?
Might be worth asking at least or it would be on the school website.

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 14:15

Flipping hell
this Op demonstrates the importance of building some friends locally!

i am a single parent
Absolutely ZERO support network from any family

but I can guarantee I could call on my close friends. Friends I’ve known for many many years. My closest… 1.5 hours away, and she would bend over backwards to allow me to attend in this scenario.

Blue4YOU · 25/04/2022 14:17

What would happen if you were suddenly very ill?
what would your sister do then?
She can do that..?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 25/04/2022 14:17

None of this is your problem. Go to your graduation and don't give another thought to who's going to pick up the kids. They're not your kids!

To be honest, the simplest solution sounds like your Dad looks after them. Yes, he'll be gutted that he can't go to your graduation, but that's not on you, that's on your sister and her shitheel ex.

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 14:19

The notion that you would expect your sister’s ex to step up for you

is very telling indeed

SpiderinaWingMirror · 25/04/2022 14:19

If the uni agree, take them. If nit, try Sitters. They are very useful. Not cheap but good and a solution

Leftbutcameback · 25/04/2022 14:20

Does your uni have a video linked room for relatives to watch in? At mine we were only allowed two tickets so a member of family / partner would quite often be in there. I can't think they'll let you bring young children in, but at least this way your dad could sit with them in the other room and watch you graduate? Congratulations by the way!

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 25/04/2022 14:20

Don’t sort it out.
You might want to tell the school that on this day they are not to call you/your parents if the DC are not collected but only their parents.
Let your sister and her ex know.
Then worse case scenario they continue to ignore the problem and get fined - I can’t imagine
it will be hundreds.
Or they book a babysitter, again a few £10s, I can’t imagine they can’t afford it considering they have no childcare costs the rest of the time.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 25/04/2022 14:20

What are you wanting from this thread? You're saying no to every suggestion. You're insisting it's your responsibility to fix this even though it obviously isn't. No-one here can help you.

You've said no to childcare; there's no after-school club; the aunt can't take them (although no-one seems to have asked if she would for an one-off special occasion); their dad can't collect them; their mum can't collect them. And you've said if you don't arrange something the DCs will be abandoned at school ... if your DSIS would genuinely leave her DCs at school rather than arranging her own childcare then tbh this graduation is the least of their and her problems.

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 14:21

Oh good heavens

im so sorry!!

Moodycow78 · 25/04/2022 14:21

I know you want to help your sister but they're her kids and she has to sort it out, you're unavailable this day, you can't spend the next 10 years of YOUR life being at your DSs beck and call, what happens when you have your own kids? Why are you trying to find a childminder you trust? Hand the problem back, she'll have to take a day holiday, get the ex to do it or sort out a childminder.

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 14:23

I recall your user name!

you were the one you went away with your sister and she expected you to look after the kids?

Leftbutcameback · 25/04/2022 14:23

Are childminders that expensive for a couple of hours which is all you need? I know times are tough but that is the most obvious solution.

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