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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 12:25

Also what do you mean "the school have been unhelpful"? They don't have an afterschool club so what exactly would your sister like them to do? They can't just say "yeah that's fine, come and get them whenever it suits you". Your Sister and her ex really need to start taking responsibility for their own DC instead of making their childcare issues everyone else's problem.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 25/04/2022 12:25

I agree with PPs, your sisters children are not your responsibility! It’s a special day for you and you’ve got every right to have an afternoon off from your nephews/nieces.

What would your sister do if you was ill and not able to pick them up?

Namechangeplease · 25/04/2022 12:25

Is there a crèche at the uni that you could use as a one-off?

Greatoutdoors · 25/04/2022 12:26

I think your sister needs to grovel to the aunty and let her know it’s very much a one off and an emergency

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 25/04/2022 12:27

I had my graduation couple of months ago and they were very strict regarding numbers, as in two guests per attendee. There simply wasn’t more seats available.

You should start setting a boundary with yo sister regarding the childcare, you will most likely get a job soon and won’t be available to do the pick ups anyway!

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:28

Sorry, I know that I'm saying no to all these suggestions but honestly I've been through everything I can think of with no luck! The only solution I can think of where I get to attend and my parents get to watch is by taking the kiddos with us. My dad offered to stay at home and watch them but I could tell he was absolutely gutted by potentially not going. Its a huge deal to them!

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Lovemypeaceandquiet · 25/04/2022 12:29

But it’s no your job to think of the solutions @QuestionableMouse , that’s the thing.

why is it on your shoulders?

Mol89 · 25/04/2022 12:29

If you want to go you simply need to say ‘sorry sister I’m not available for pick up that day’. This is not on you, it’s lovely you do pick ups for them but you shouldn’t miss out on your graduation to provide free childcare for somebody else. Also is your sister and their Dad ok with her children missing a couple of hours of school to go to a graduation they may not even be allowed in to.

neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 12:29

So your sisters work have actually said explicitly that if she has to leave work early due to a childcare emergency, even as a one off, she will be sacked? Surely that can't be legal.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:30

Then SHE needs to play hardball with her ex and tell him that she cannot and will not collect on Thursday and he will be called by the school to get them.

You can’t take them out of school to go to your ceremony and even if you did and they don’t get let in (& that’s the most likely scenario) then one of your parents is missing out anyway as they’ll need to sit outside.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:31

neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 12:25

Also what do you mean "the school have been unhelpful"? They don't have an afterschool club so what exactly would your sister like them to do? They can't just say "yeah that's fine, come and get them whenever it suits you". Your Sister and her ex really need to start taking responsibility for their own DC instead of making their childcare issues everyone else's problem.

Was hoping they could recommend a childminder or something but they just said no club, kids have to be picked up at the right time or else sis would be fined. Wasn't a dig at the school, just showing that they weren't an avenue we could explore.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:31

Whichever of your parents the uncooperative aunty belong to should talk to her…

Butfirstcoffees · 25/04/2022 12:32

The only option is for your dad to stay home. Gutting, I understand. But you can't just tip up with 2 kids. Usually the tickets are 2 per graduate.

its not ideal, but what other option is there?

devildeepbluesea · 25/04/2022 12:33

Why isn’t your sister thinking of a solution? Because, let’s face it, her kids won’t be getting collected on Thursday will they?

I’ll be honest, your sister sounds very entitled.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:33

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:30

Then SHE needs to play hardball with her ex and tell him that she cannot and will not collect on Thursday and he will be called by the school to get them.

You can’t take them out of school to go to your ceremony and even if you did and they don’t get let in (& that’s the most likely scenario) then one of your parents is missing out anyway as they’ll need to sit outside.

He drives for his job and has said that even if the school ring him, he won't be able to pick the kids up because he'll be miles away. So they'd ring sis, me or my parents anyway.

Honestly he could ask for a day's parental leave but he won't because he knows doing this will hurt me!

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 12:33

Then SHE needs to play hardball with her ex and tell him that she cannot and will not collect on Thursday and he will be called by the school to get them

This. She needs to make it clear she will be at work at unable to answer her phone, you are not available and neither are your parents so if he does not collect them they will be stranded at school. The school will call both parents in this scenario and if neither of them answer the next phonecall will be to social services.

newbiename · 25/04/2022 12:34

What would normally happen if you can't pick them up?
If it's on Thursday , you still have a couple of days to ask another parent ,,even though you're not doing pick up today.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:35

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 25/04/2022 12:29

But it’s no your job to think of the solutions @QuestionableMouse , that’s the thing.

why is it on your shoulders?

Because if I don't do it, no one else will. And I'm not willing to let the kids feel like they've been abandoned at at school.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:35

Your sister has no friends?
You don’t have anyone at all who’d help?
Your parents can’t lean on aunty, or maybe have someone else they know who likes kids?
The WhatsApp groups at school no use?
FB post asking for babysitter at short notice?

neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 12:35

So they'd ring sis, me or my parents anyway.

Which is why he's saying he won't pick up, because he thinks one of you will sort it. Sis needs to make it clear that on this occasion none of you will be answering your phones so if he doesn't collect the kids no one else will and school will treat it as a safeguarding issue.

gamerchick · 25/04/2022 12:36

Tell your sister that sorry you can't do it that day and she needs to sort something out. Stop wiping her arse.

wishitwasaduvetday · 25/04/2022 12:37

You say that you are sorting because your sis and her ex won't. They won't because they know and absolutely expect that you or your parents will sort it. They are being really really mean. You and your parents have to be strict and tell them that you will not be available.

Your sister will have to leave work early and deal with any fall out later. If the company won't allow her to leave early one day for emergency child care, she won't be in the job long anyway as kids get sick all the time and they would have to let her leave.

Hesma · 25/04/2022 12:37

Honestly lovely it’s your sister’s problem, not yours. Enjoy your graduation and let her sort it out.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:39

Can your sister ask her ex-ILs to help that day? Presumably they have other grandparents?

No point in having pride.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:41

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 12:39

Can your sister ask her ex-ILs to help that day? Presumably they have other grandparents?

No point in having pride.

No in laws to ask! (Both passed on!)

OP posts: