To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

If his behaviour is good at school something must be happening at home that’s triggering the bad behaviour

What happens when dc6 is naughty?

Re food. How are they getting the sweets to hide them?

Make dinner, clear table after 45 minutes. Offer toast half hour before bed. Nothing else. Don't battle with them to eat it. Your job is to provide the food, their job is to eat it. You cannot force them. Stop making it a battle. They know you're going to lose.

That sounds so so tough. You sound like you badly need some time to yourself. Can you afford for someone to baby sit for an hour or two just to get on a walk and a bit of a break or would you be wary having someone new in, I know it’s hard without family to help. I just think if you had that bit of space it would help so much!

Could it be a reaction to dh working away? Does he think df will come home if you can't manage? Does dc 1 get plus points for being the oldest +

Re the food put the it in front of them if they don't eat it don't worry.
Don't get into a battle. Just ignore their moaning.
Do you think that they are picking up that you favour Dc1.
Do they have one to one time with you.
Don't buy sweets.

Children can often mask at school and then let it all out in their safe space so no it doesn’t mean something is happening at home!!

Could DC6 have ADHD or maybe ASD and be masking at school and then having meltdowns at home? Are they a different gender to their older sibling? The conditions can run in families and often present differently in girls to boys so it could be you’re missing something because it isn’t presenting as it did in your older child.

I also wonder if because you are so worn down you are making things into a battleground where you don’t have to? Things like mealtimes for example should never be a battle; if they don’t eat their food that’s okay and doesn’t need to become a battle of wills on both sides. If you’re locked into a power struggle it will make interaction difficult.

Do you get much 1 on 1 time with your DC?

Not necessarily- have you not heard of masking?

op are you confident that there is no adhd or asd in dc6? Might it be worth exploring this? Is he possibly jealous of dc8? Sounds tough for you.

If you're able to, try and take a break from battling. Like, if you can day yes, then just say yes. If you can't, then walk away. Keep your interactions to fun/praise, or neutral. Take 6yo out for the day without the 8yo if possible.

My guess is that your child is not enjoying the home environment any more than you are. But when you're stuck in this rut, someone has to make the first move, and it will never be the child!

I would do this and not bother with the toast offer

Those are some quite strong words to use about a 6yo. What does they do that is sneaky and crafty?
my DC2 was very good at school at that age and actually found it exhausting. Home was where he let those things go.
please Don’t ever say you wish hadn’t had them. It isn’t their fault they aren’t a duplicate of your first child.

Ps I hope that doesn't sound harsh and/or patronising. It's just that I've been here (many times!) before.

Why have battles over food? That sounds stressful and pointless. It's your job to offer the meal and the child's job to decide what to eat. If they haven't eaten it after 10 or 20 minutes let them go. They won't starve. Where is a 6 year old getting sweets from without your knowledge? Could the child be deliberately misbehaving to get attention? It won't have escaped their notice that the older one is your favourite. I think you should be trying to improve your relationship with the younger one, while refusing to react to any of the bad behaviour that can possibly be ignored.

Thanks for the replies. I don't get much 1 on 1 time with them, but when I do it's usually totally different and they behave beautifully. Maybe I can try and do this more. We usually have sports at the weekends and i take one while the other does homework with DH, then we swap. Maybe I can incorporate some treats into this time so we're doing something fun too.

They're the same gender. I do t think I favour DC8 over DC6 - they have their own challenges but because they're so sweet natured my patience tends to last longer. DH has the same with DC6. We usually end up tag teaming the evening and having done it for 3 nights already Tuesday just seems so far away.

It's hard to say without more information, but my initial instincts are a) he needs to be assessed for ASD and ADHD, because neurodiverse children (as pps have said) often mask all day at school, which puts tremendous strain on them and can cause difficult behaviour at home, and b) the way you talk about his behaviour suggests that there is a deeper issue in your relationship - he's 6, he isn't a crafty, manipulative bully. Family therapy would be my advice. Youngest children are often the canary in the mine for problems within the family dynamic, and you might be surprised what comes up if you see a good therapist. You'd have to pay for it, though - CAMHS is not fit for purpose and you won't get funded family therapy unless he's throwing chairs at people.

Thank you for thevsuggestions re a timer for food at dinner. I'll give that a try. I do think dinner has become a battle of wills now and I do t like to think that DC6 can "win" but if I draw the lines clearly I guess they're not really. Going to bed hungry a couple of times isn't going to do any harm

My youngest sounds similar, I think ( in our case) it’s pure jealously. He’s so lovely 1-1 the Min his bro is there he’s pretty vile! If I say I love you to him he always says more than bros name.’or if I say you’re so kind he’ll say more kind than bros name’

And this is why I felt was made to feel like a completely shit parent for years.

Fucking hell

Could he be playing up due to the changes required for his sibling? So at schools his free from adhd brother but at home they are stuck together. You say they behave better when one on one.

They lie. Yesterday I said they have to eat 2 pizza crusts and then found them in the bin hidden under other rubbish. They try to get their sibling into trouble all the time. I feel like we're failing as patents because they can be so nasty. Is that just siblings? I have a brother who is a lot older than me and we are close, not like this.

I wouldn't dream of saying it. It was on the tip of my tongue but I didn't say it. I just think ba k to how happy we were when they were born and it breaks my heart

Didn't take it that way at all. Thank you for the advice. It's true: I'm the grown up here and need to act like it. It's just sometimes so relentless. I think I do need a break

If it’s coming down to pizza crusts I think you need to watch you are not too hard on him.

Do you give him a lot of positive reinforcement when he is good?

I have a similar age gap between mine (10 and 7) and the eldest has ADHD/ASD. My youngest has really starting playing up in the last few years. A combination of lockdowns, his brother getting different treatment (special ed so he was allowed to go to school a few days during lockdown and his out of school provisions were allowed to continue) plus the fact his brother requires so much attention/supervision to manage his SEN. I have also wondered if there could be neurodiversity at play, but atm I think it's a real cry for attention and support.

I'm trying to be as positive as possible, and spend one on one time with them both.

PS both my kids are also lovely one to one but have me at the end of my rope when they're together as their full on hyper or battling each other.

Good point. I never thought of this. They are as good as gold at school (which is a relief) and desperate to be seen to do well. Sometimes I say I wonder what your teacher would think and they get very worried.

We do give lots of praise when things go well. When they've had a lovely day we reiterate this at bedtime and say see how great its been. If its been more challenging I reflect back on it with them but always tuck them in and say we can try again tomorrow. I just don't know why they have the need to impress the teacher but not us. It is hard to be on best behaviour all day (I don't miss all-day client meetings in the office ha ha)

They lie. Yesterday I said they have to eat 2 pizza crusts and then found them in the bin hidden under other rubbish. They try to get their sibling into trouble all the time. I feel like we're failing as patents because they can be so nasty. Is that just siblings?

Not eating pizza crust is hardly a big deal OP? Many people don’t like pizza crust.

can you give examples of the nasty behaviour and trying to get sibling into trouble?