To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

Sorry to hear @Christienne - hope things are better now x

I’m sorry but I do think you’re blowing typical 6 year old behaviour out of proportion. Lying about eating pizza crusts and then hiding them really isn’t a big deal, I certainly wouldn’t call it sneaky or manipulative! If mealtimes are a battle I would guess your child feels out of control, nobody wants to be forced to eat food they don’t want and furthermore what food goes into their bodies is one of the few things a child does have control of. I really wouldnt see this as a big deal, certainly not enough to label a child as sneaky or crafty. The language you are using about a tiny child is really quite harsh.

And in terms of sibling rivalry, yes that is very normal. I remember my sibling once biting herself hard on the arm and then crying ti my parents telling them it was me! If you’re favouring and showing more patience with your older child your younger one will pick up on it and feel rejected which is probably why she is trying to get the sibling in trouble, because right now it probably feels like the older sibling can do no wrong whilst they can do no right. I would see that behaviour as a cry for help moreso than sneaky or manipulative.

it might be that they aren’t trying to be sneaky, they just want to please you but don’t want to eat the crusts, and this seemed like a good solution?
I would not bother having that battle about crusts, let them leave the crusts, but if they ask for pudding it’s a no.
and don’t worry too much about them being close, things change, nothing is the same now my 2 are older.

I agree with Molkos

try not to control food to the extent a pizza crust is a big deal

and make sure you are not making the six year old feel worse than the other sibling

I agree with not making meal times a battle. I wouldn't advise literally using a timer as it's adding stress, just make a mental note of what time you serve dinner and after 20 minutes clear it away, without comment.

Seriously, with their dad away and feeling stressed, pick your battles. Does it really matter if they eat their pizza crusts?! They shouldn't have lied about it, but I wouldn't personally confront. Totally agree with pp who said it's your job to provide, if they don't eat it, fine. You've done your job. Bright and breezy, no worries.

Actually, the pick your battles thing is a good strategy in general, but definitely while on your own with them.

Agree, pizza crusts aren't the end of the world. DC6 will deliberately kick their sibling when they're both watching TV, will unplug DC6's kindle so they can plug their own in. DC8 will do anything for DC6, they were choosing crafts the other day and DC6 said they wanted the cat which DC8 had their eye on but it was DC8's turn to choose so they chose the dog so DC6 could have the cat. I can't think of many more examples and typing these out they seem quote tame. Maybe I'm making more of this than I should be?

Why do they have to eat their pizza crusts if they don't like them?

I agree don’t make food a battle . My niece at that age would only eat two foods and her mum was worried obviously. She eventually just put those foods amongst others on the table.never made any comment about what she ate or how much . It took a while but my niece did start eating other foods. Just give yourself a break and take all the stress out of meal times for both of you .

This. ^^ What a sad thread to read. The OP wishing she had not had her second child. As you said, said child is only 6 and can't help it that they're not a duplicate of the first child.

Poor kid. Probably picking up the resentment and the clear favouritism for the older sibling. 'Sneaky and crafty?' The child is SIX YEARS OLD!

Also @FartVandelay why are you continuously calling your second child 'THEY,' and being so ridiculously ambiguous about your child's gender?! It's really irksome and makes it harder to respond to your post/issue!

Those arguments sound quite normal for children of that age 🙂

I agree with others that you need to back right off with food because it’s become way too much of a battle. Put something in front of them at tea time, make sure it includes something you know they like, then it’s up to them whether they eat it or not. Putting pressure on them to eat things is just going to make life harder for all of you

For the record, I was a very fussy child and also hid and lied about food. I don’t think I’m a manipulative person! I was just enormously stressed out by it all, genuinely averse to a lot of foods and didn’t want to get in trouble. I remember fastidiously flushing grapes down the loo one by one and it really did not set me up to have a healthy relationship with food.

Maybe I'm making more of this than I should be?

Absolutely. You've described them as Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. The poor child is 6 years old!

I suspect your child knows how you feel about them, no matter how much you think you hide it.

I also agree (with some posters) that nothing you have said so far, seems like the awful behaviour you were trying to make out it was.

Thanks @MarshaBradyo and @MolkosTeenageAngst - I agree, I should before selective with battles. I hate mealtimes being so tough. Am definitely going to try the timer. I do sometimes try getting DC6 to help with cooking which they love. Actually this us usually really nice 1 on 1 time as DC8 is less interested. Maybe i can get them to choose the menu one day a week and then help to cook it so they are getting to control the food that goes in their body as a PP said! Oh I love this idea!

How much input do they have into the food chosen? I'd involve them a bit in the meal plans, and I'd either not buy the sweets or I'd actually not worry about them eating them whenever as long as it's not piles.

My elder dd can sneak food, she does have asd traits, it's about control and also, oddly, inability to regulate herself around sweets. So the control part is wanting it in her room, and then eating in one go is a regulation failure.

Best thing is not to buy quantities so large that it's a real issue, and minimise the frictions especially when you're so worn down @FartVandelay. Dh works away for stretches, and it's so tiring and mike definitely play up more when dh is away, more of all kinds of friction.

Primary school staff here.

That's normal for most children, actually, as children have confidence their parents love them no matter what so can push boundaries, test patience, etc at home.

It's the children who behave badly at school and who parents claim never put a toe out of line at home that we most worry about. This makes you wonder what's going on more at home than the reverse.

Is the child female? If so, they quite often mask at school but fall apart at home, but boys too. It could be a whole host of behavioural issues/asd etc, especially given that your eldest has a diagnosis and there is very often a genetic component.

Just scrolled through the thread and see that someone else has suggested this too. It’s definitely something to consider.

Sounds normal to me op. In those examples I would praise dc8 for being kind and watch for something to praise dc6 for. Sometimes we can fall into a negativity trap and end up watching for bad behaviour. This leads to negative interactions and becomes a constant critical cycle. Really try and watch for good behaviour instead, try to ignore anything negative unless it's dangerous.

I didn’t see the timer post but tbh I wouldn’t do this

it will add stress imo

I’d let them eat as they wish and stop when they’ve had enough, but not time them

Haven't read the rest of the thread yet but I'm going to take a bet here that your youngest is a girl presenting with autism. Masking at school. Can be controlling. Sensory processing issues extending to diet. Its triggered my ASD radar big style.

honestly I would Try not to compare them. Do you think you might judge your 6yo by how your 8yo behaves now? if so, that’s not very fair. Would your 8yo have given up the cat when they were 6?

I wouldn’t expect a 6yo not to unplug someone else’s kindle. They are still learning about taking turns etc be at that age.

The lie was pizza crusts? As an adult I don’t particularly like pizza crusts. Also if they always aim to please it sounds like they hid them to please you without thinking they would get found out.

unplugging the sibling charger to charge their own sounds like normal children siblings or even teenagers stealing chargers. Kicking that’s not cool at all but are you sure again it was completely at random and that dc 8 hadn’t actually said something or done something first?

why is it dc 6 fault dc8 picked the dog not cat? Maybe they didn’t want the cat anyway and your deciding they did.

a lot of your issue though are pretty normal sibling stuff.

you seem quite keen to paint dc6 as an issue and dc8 as an angel. If he picks up on that which I’m sure he will be that would be even more reason to want to be perfect for his teacher because with her his not in competition with his sibling for your love and approval and validation.

Do you think maybe you’re overprotective of DC8 because of their additional needs? It’s lovely that DC8 is generous towards DC6 but that doesn’t make DC6 a bad child just because she no doubt has different qualities. Things like unplugging the kindle to plug their own in is really nothing, goodness me I know adults who would do that! Learning to share and out others before yourself is a process and do bear in mind the age difference, 6 is still a fair bit younger than 8 and your younger child won’t have all the skills in terms of empathy your older child has learnt.

The pizza crusts is more of an issue you created and your child reacted to. At school lunches I used to shred my sandwiches and scatter then across the floor, hide them up my sleeve and wait until someone else was throwing something in the bin so I could hide it under there, stuff them down a radiator, sit on them and many other things I've forgotten so I didn't have to either eat a food I didn't like or spend my whole lunchtime at a table on my own looking at a food I didn't want to eat. It wasn't because I was sneaky and crafty. I didn't enjoy doing it and I was on the whole a very compliant child. But it was just the best way to get out of a situation I didn't want to be in (and as an adult I don't think I should have been put in).

Why does it matter if he eats his pizza crusts? They aren't even nutritious! It takes two people to battle, so just stop. Put his food down, make sure you know he likes at least some of it and let him decide what to eat. If he doesn't, fine. You choose the food provided and when he eats it, he decides what he eats and how much.

One on one time is so important for children. Just fifteen minutes, every day or every other day. Set a timer and let them choose an activity or a book. That positive interaction will almost certainly help both of you. If you are writing on a forum you wish they were never born, then I'm sure they feel that too and it's not helping their behaviour.

One other thing, no local support - it's awful, what can you do to build some? You must be so tired. Lack of a prospect
of a decent break makes every parenting challenge harder. It's hard when you post a thread after a bad lonely trying day and you get tonnes of criticism, you're a brave person!