To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

This is all so sad, he's SIX as pp have said.

They're the same gender. I do t think I favour DC8 over DC6 - they have their own challenges but because they're so sweet natured my patience tends to last longer.
How does your favouring of your favourite 'sweet natured' child look compared to the sneaky, crafty child you wish you'd never had? They will know how you feel, am sure.

Also, OP, just to reassure you - it's common to feel: despair, fury, frustration, hatred, rage, misery, and yes, want to 'throw your child out the window'. Many if not most parents have these moments. So long as you don't act on that it's fine. And so long as you recognise that this means something is overwhelming for you and that you need extra help, and use that as impetus to make things better.

You need to just note that and work out how to help yourself out - put on your oxygen mask first, kind of thing. Count to ten, leave the room, say nothing, wait for the emotions to calm a bit. Modelling self-regulating your emotions will be good for your children to see.

Please don't mention poor behaviour at bedtime. Focus on the positive bits of the day. I can't imagine having to lie there when my parent (or spouse for that matter) has walked away and shut the doorafter bringing up my failings of the day.

And yep, timers simply add to the stress and urgency of a situation, so i wouldn't do that either. When the meal is going on for too long, simply say "I'm going to clear everything away in two minutes", leave the table and go and do something in the kitchen, then come back after two minutes, and without saying anything just clear the table, even if they still have a plate of food in front of them. Show no emotion, just do it calmly and in a relaxed manner, and then get on with what you're doing as if nothing of import had happened.

Such an ignorant comment. So many children with diagnoses do mask in school as they are terrified of the repercussions of stepping out of line. It’s incredibly hard to follow the minutiae of every single school rule when you are neuro-diverse.

Many schools also incorrectly believe that they are the ‘safe places’ for children and, sadly, a lot cannot be bothered to seek diagnoses and EHC needs assessments as they consider the workloads too great. Many neuro-diverse children are passed along the state school system until the situation becomes untenable.

Parents are generally the experts on their children as opposed to their teachers who can have 30 of the same age children to supervise. How many trillions of threads have there been about teachers not realising a SEN child has soiled themselves during the school day?

My own DD is 14 and has only recently been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. She attends a super selective grammar school. It’s only now, in Year 9, that the penny is starting to sink for her school. She is a mass of impassive, but super-polite, anxiety during the day, and then erupts like Mount Etna when she arrives home and her ADHD medication starts to wear off. Oh, and she is registered blind and is really fucking angry about that. Mask or no mask.

I generally treat my DD my DD like an ‘individual’ but that’s not to say that she doesn’t act like a total arsehole, with violence and aggression, when she returns home from school. I will concur that school, for me, is a relief from ‘the crap that goes on at home’ as it gives me six hours in which to fix everything my DD breaks in her extreme meltdowns and gird my loins for the onset of the next few hours of extreme behaviour.

I should think it's easier to blame others at school, and to cover up what you've done, before you can get into trouble for it. It is possible that you see things as they really are because, unlike a teacher, you don't have the distraction of 25 other children, and you are focused on noticing. You may see something in your child's engagement with you - a lack of candour that disturbs you. You may be particularly perceptive.

I suppose that some children do have a form of conduct disorder and, at some point in the future, you may need to consult a child psychologist. I don't think that you should let yourself be talked into thinking it's all in your mind. Keep a sense of proportion, of course, but watch out, as the months and years go by, for more serious 'getting sibling into trouble'....or any more significant deceit, e.g. pilfering.

Or the child feels more secure at home and does not need to mask their behavior.

Back from dinner/bedtime and going through responses. Lots to think about and thank you to the posters who have linked to books and suggested ND.

Also just realised a typo in one of my previous posts: we do not favour DC8 over DC6 although this is our perspective. Maybe the DC see things differently from theirs. One thing is clear: DC6 behaviour seems to be totally normal and we should probably reassess our expectations. It seems so long ago that DC8 was there. It can sometimes be hard to remember, especially when I'm tired and DH isn't here to take over when it all gets too much .

What?! So OP has stated she favours the older child, labels a 6 yo as sneaky and manipulative, you've decided she's absolutely right and her child needs a psychologist....

Sounds like he feels he can only get attention when he's being 'bad' but he's not even being that naughty. Acting up a bit, maybe. Why does he feel the need to lie? Why can't he just tell you he's full up so he has to hide food? You need to look inside yourself for the answers to these questions. It sounds like you're constantly pre empting naughty behaviour from him though and it's becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. He's only 6, give the kid a break.

Ps sorry if your child is a girl, but I can't be arsed trying to make sentences look proper when they're full of they and them.

Totally.

This might hve some useful advice, OP:

www.ahaparenting.com/guide/helping-siblings-get-along

What is this pile of shite. There isn't something wrong with the kid. His parents are clearly way too hard on him for minor transgressions and favour his sibling, resulting in attention seeking poor behaviour. You make it sound like he's a serial killer in the making or something.

I’ve done this many times. DC ate pretty much anything from about 8. Nothing terrible will happen if a meal is missed. Kitchen rule, don’t eat your main, nothing after, not even a yogurt. Children aren’t silly, they learn that they can get a treat even if they don’t eat or try their dinner if that’s what happens at mealtimes.

make sure you don’t praise the older sibling in front of them, eg look, Charlie’s ate ALL his pizza. That will just make them resent their older sibling.

As others said, just exit the meal time battle. Say “here’s tea, eat as much or as little of it as you want”. Take the power from them.

2 books - Getting the Little Blighters to eat and Siblings Without Rivalry

Why do you call your child they/ them instead of he or she?

Curious.

Or he's masking at school and at home he's letting his feelings out.

I have similar aged dc - 9yo and 6yo and the behaviour you describe for your 6yo sounds very similar to mine. He’s a bit of a pain in the arse at times but nothing you’ve described sounds anything other than typical 6yo behaviour- they don’t eat food they don’t like and are sometimes a shit to their sibling. I think you’re focusing your unhappiness and frustration on your 6yo which seems incredibly unfair.

I just think its so sad that these are the examples you are giving that they are 'sneaky, crafty, liar'

• not eating pizza crusts and

-they were choosing crafts the other day and DC6 said they wanted the cat which DC8 had their eye on but it was DC8's turn to choose so they chose the dog so DC6 could have the cat. How do you know dc8 had their eye on the cat, did they say so or just your perception and because if that's what you thought was happening then so be it as dc8 should get what they want?

Gosh this sounds so hard, and I am sorry you are going through this.

May I ask, why do you refer to your child (singular) as "they"?

Yeah, same. I was getting confused and thought OP was referring to both children.

Pick your battles. Agree with everyone who said offer food. If they don’t want it. Bin it. Nothing else /or toast /fruit before bed

bedtime should be a loving time. A cuddle. Book. Kiss

not mentioned how bad they have been and try better tomorrow

your 6yr doesn’t seem that bad to me. It’s normal behaviour of that age and even more so if you are praising /letting older sibling always be the favourite

sure youngest realises this 🥲

do you ever spend 121 with dc6

one poster (can’t scroll and find easily now due to mn new update) but they mentioned that you are always saying they. They

not the sex - it doesn’t matter if b or g

i actually thought you had twins first as kept saying they

Why on earth did they need to eat two pizza crusts. What benefit is that to anyone? A six year old is not sneaky or crafty. They are reacting to you.

Absolute nonsense.
have you never heard of masking?

That's normal for most children, actually, as children have confidence their parents love them no matter what so can push boundaries, test patience, etc at home.

IME as a parent and a primary teacher this is absolutely true. Yes ND children can mask at school and let go at home, but this sounds like pretty standard 6yo behaviour to me.

Honestly, you do need to really watch out for the mental health of your youngest OP. It can be really challenging being a sibling of a child with SEND, even if that child has a lovely nature, is kind etc. They can often feel like the afterthought, or that they need to be perfect to avoid causing stress, or even (especially when younger) act out because they don’t yet have the emotional understanding to deal with this type of dynamic.

It sounds really tough for you OP, but don’t underestimate the impact upon your youngest.

Their behaviour does sound like most 6-yr-olds. You're comparing them to their sibling but actually they lived through a pandemic at a different stage in their life and development. That has an impact too.
You're also associating your eldest's sharing behaviour with being kind. It might be they are naturally more sharing, but it could be they're older and have learnt more about social conventions, or that they're motivated by praise and know you value that type of behaviour.
Try to see your DCs as they are, not in comparison. Cut your 6-yr-old and yourself some slack. You sound wore out and a lot of these battles don't need to be at all. Take easy options and try to make the nights when your DH is away, fun, relaxed, spoiling times. Just enjoy being with your DC

We can't tell from what OP tells us what conditions or traits her children have. We can make a surmise, only, but we know very little of the context. Different types of school, for instance, create different pressures. Peer pressure looks different in schools where it's cool to be a rebel and, in another school, it may be cool to conform.

I haven't decided anything, and nor could I, being inexpert. Conduct disorder is sometimes assigned as a tentative diagnosis to younger children, so I wouldn't be telling any mother to blank out her concerns that her child might be more than normally deceitful or callous. She needs to look at alternative explanations, to be sure and keep an open mind.

She is the one placed to help them, going forward, so she shouldn't be ignoring her gut feelings and kind of gaslighting herself, by believing she has got it all wrong. Yes, a psychologist might be helpful to her in future, if she feels she wants to seek advice from one. Why not, they study and train for a lot of years and base their advice on evidenced findings and strategies from people who have carried out a wealth of research. What's wrong with her seeking advice about her parenting from an expert?

OP loves her children. Why would she paint one of them badly, unless she was genuinely concerned about their lack social responsibility?