To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

I just wanted to say that despite this thread making me.so sad for the dc6 of the op, the support between @runnerblade95 and @Robinni has actually restored my people are good thoughts!

@Robinni But you’ve been drawn to post on this thread as a lot of Mums of ASD/ADHD have been so must see some commonality.

Exactly. I don’t believe in coincidence and I definitely see a lot of commonality. My mum says I’m being over the top and DH says that his brother was diagnosed with ASD around the age of 8 so it’s absolutely a possibility and I don’t think I’m being over the top at all. I’m going to go with my gut on this one. Thanks again, you’ve been extremely helpful and informative.

Feel really sorry for your 6 year old. They're totally picking up that you favour your other child.

This happened to my cousins and she is really damaged by the favouritism shown to her sibling.

Not necessarily. They may be masking at school and feel unable to show any struggles or anxiety until at home

I knew a child exactly like you describe. I was really worried about how he would turn out. But he grew up and changed. Looking back I think he was over-shadowed by other family members and seeking attention.

No I am.not trying to.be controversial. I am opposed to.both homework and making children.go.to.bed early. There are worse things than falling behind.

@runnerblade95 yeah he’s great and has really settled very well into school now. I completely understand the worry over strangers - our son blindly trusts everyone (theory of mind issue), even when we explain and he understands, in practice it’s very hard. And he attempts to go home with other families at the park if enamoured with a particular child he’s playing with… 🙄
It is lovely that he loves everyone so much. I am hoping by adulthood he is not still skipping through malls saying “Merry Christmas!” to all and giving out free hugs… it could look like a very different thing! 😂

Symptoms are less overt in girls and they certainly mask better than boys as they grow up. If ASD is there and not severe it can be better to wait until around 5yrs. We still had a six month wait with private provider, so that is something to bear in mind. For ADHD they generally don’t assess until age 7, with a cut off point of 11, so you have to get in that window of time. The assessors for ASD who saw our son said the indicators for ADHD were so strong even at 5 that they needed to be included in school plan so they have been.

With the talking DS was reciting entire books about dinosaurs from two and poems/scripts from tv/film. But real difficulty with reciprocal conversation. He still scripts, accents and mannerisms included, which is very entertaining! He prefers words with more syllables!!! Because they feel better to him.

Teeth brushing - try singing songs changing the words (make it fun something like mc hammer dum dum dum can’t brush this… or funny), or tie it in with what she likes. DS had a thing about sea creatures so I was a cleaner fish for a while telling him all about whose teeth I’d cleaned… I even saw the scary flying shark 😉

As I said 3 year olds can be very excitable, but if you’re worried, does no harm to check things out.

Wishing you all the best going forward and lovely to hear about your little girl, she sounds a joy 😊

@Robinni honestly, your boy sounds like a carbon copy of my little girl. Sounds like they would get along like a house on fire! Lol.

Yes, I have been told and read on numerous websites that symptoms are a lot less overt in girls. I completely understand this but surely, sex wouldn’t matter where the child is naturally an extrovert anyway, no?

Because honestly, this child hides nothing. Sometimes I have to remember that I am the adult whenever we are out, because some of the things she does and says are so sweet and so funny and just so, innocent and childlike, but said with such seriousness it’s like looking at a little adult trapped in a child’s body.

My daughter also recites stories almost with precision! It’s bloody incredible and certainly not something she gets from me. I can’t remember what I wore yesterday, let alone recite an entire book that was read to her probably weeks ago. She remembers places we’ve been, things she’s seen, things people have said to her. Again, I just put this down to her having an incredible memory (and very observant, gets that from her father). But I’m starting to think that my gut instinct has been correct all along and that I need to follow it.

I could go on forever with examples of her behaviours but I appreciate you are not a professional and please accept my apologies for talking you to death! I really appreciate you taking the time out to educate me and share the knowledge that you do have.

Wishing you and your little one all the best 💐

I have only experience of parenting a neuro-diverse child, who is quite impacted by their ASD, so I'm not fully au fait with all the usual ways in which six-year-olds behave. So, what we are saying, is that for a six-year-old to say"I've eaten the crusts, Mummy. They were too chewy, but I did it" - for instance, and then for Mum to later find that under a pile of carefully positioned cabbage leaves in the food waste caddy are the said crusts.....this would by expected thinking and covering up from a child of six?

The OP has said that she is worried by the lying and being sneaky. It wouldn't bother me too much this behaviour, but I would give a greater number of choices to try to encourage freer behaviour and candour. But the OP is stressed and feels that the behaviour she witnesses is especially sneaky. Does it sound unusual to be crafty, in that way?

2nd DCs are very often the handful. My mum always said the 1st is usually well behaved so you have another. Then you know what parenting is all about 🤣.
Sound like mu DS4. He lies, hides, doesnt eat and tries to get his DBs in trouble to get himself out of trouble. He was diagnosed as autistic age 9. The reason I was given for the drastic behaviour change between school and home was ; imagine you go on a picnic. You eat and put all the rubbish in your bag. Everything looks neat, tidy and perfect. When you get home, you dump all that rubbish out your bag. Some will go in the bin, some on the floor. The place is a mess. It's the same with emotions. You keep them in check all day but let go when you get home. It's worth gets an assessment.

Meal times. I agree with PP, set a timer and then clear away. Most children will eat if they are hungry.
xx

To reitterate; Why are so many people saying this child has ADHD/ODD/ASD? Guess what? Kids who's parents don't like them and are overly stressed/miserable/anxious are not going to be happy. They're going to be stressed and anxious and low in mood, have trouble concentrating and focussing, have trouble playing, have trouble following authority and have sensory processing issues. In fact they'll mimick a lot of the symptoms of these conditions. This is a kid who pokes and prods their sibling a bit and doesn't eat their crusts in clear context of a parent that doesn't like them much. To put the ownership on the kid is ludicrous and tbh bordering on malingering. It's a real worry for this next generation that people would rather martyr their kids into having such a disabling diagnosis rather than just play with them and give them a cuddle. OP you won't like what I'm about to say but please take it on board. Wherever your kid fits on the 'spectrum' the most beneficial thing you can do for them is address your own issues around bonding with them. Even if there's an underlying spectrum disorder (which there's no evidence for) your attitude is for sure what will hurt your kid the most. Please do what's right for your child. Address your own issues rather than inventing issues for a normal child x

Yeah. Children pick up on these things. It doesn't matter that you don't say it.

Have a look at the words that you use to describe the two children. I feel sorry for the 6 year old too. Sounds like you don't like them much compared to sibling. If there is jealousy is it really any wonder?

Yes, that all reads as very familiar!

I have exactly the same in my son.

After reading, consideration, and speaking to various people/parents, I decided not to pursue a formal diagnosis.

I used a LOT of active listening and positive parenting and now know how to manage his various foibles and he is now in high school and a delightful, sensitive and empathic child. We have a diagnosis of dyslexia for school, and that has been plenty to allow them to support him better.

So a child can have various traits from the spectrum and they can all absolutely be managed and worked with.

Things we've found useful:

Don't force anything. He'll only push back harder. He takes his own time.
Decompression. Every holiday (and often after school) requires an 'unloading' of all the tensions he's built up over weeks.
Active listening. Always. I recognise his wee 'tells', now, and can see when something's upset him, and know when he needs to be sat with quietly. It is never straight out, but if I sit patiently for long enough and allow him to slowly gt to it, he'll eventually tell me whatever the thing is that's been on his mind.
LOTS of physical activity
Diet - gentle coaching to eat a more balanced diet. We use the 'tiny tastes' even now.
Sensory issues - well. Turn socks inside out, cut out the labels, buy soft cotton clothing, etc.

Agree with this 100%

I know you’ve said you don’t favour the other child - but in all your posts, the language you use about each of them and your attitude towards them says otherwise. Your feelings about your 6yo are glaringly obvious.

Your 6yo will have picked up on it, even if they don’t understand and can’t articulate it. Everything you have described screams ‘this child does not feel secure’ and I mean secure in the context of their attachments with their caregivers.

From the way you speak about them, they can never do anything right, every tiny transgression is picked up on and ‘reflected’ on every single day and they are told to ‘do better’. Every day they know they are a constant disappointment to you, but they don’t know why.

The only person who need to ‘try harder tomorrow’ is YOU

Agree with this 100%

I know you’ve said you don’t favour the other child - but in all your posts, the language you use about each of them and your attitude towards them says otherwise. Your feelings about your 6yo are glaringly obvious.

Your 6yo will have picked up on it, even if they don’t understand and can’t articulate it. Everything you have described screams ‘this child does not feel secure’ and I mean secure in the context of their attachments with their caregivers.

From the way you speak about them, they can never do anything right, every tiny transgression is picked up on and ‘reflected’ on every single day and they are told to ‘do better’. Every day they know they are a constant disappointment to you, but they don’t know why.

The only person who need to ‘try harder tomorrow’ is YOU

Agree with this 100%

I know you’ve said you don’t favour the other child - but in all your posts, the language you use about each of them and your attitude towards them says otherwise. Your feelings about your 6yo are glaringly obvious.

Your 6yo will have picked up on it, even if they don’t understand and can’t articulate it. Everything you have described screams ‘this child does not feel secure’ and I mean secure in the context of their attachments with their caregivers.

From the way you speak about them, they can never do anything right, every tiny transgression is picked up on and ‘reflected’ on every single day and they are told to ‘do better’. Every day they know they are a constant disappointment to you, but they don’t know why.

The only person who need to ‘try harder tomorrow’ is YOU

Agree with this 100%

I know you’ve said you don’t favour the other child - but in all your posts, the language you use about each of them and your attitude towards them says otherwise. Your feelings about your 6yo are glaringly obvious.

Your 6yo will have picked up on it, even if they don’t understand and can’t articulate it. Everything you have described screams ‘this child does not feel secure’ and I mean secure in the context of their attachments with their caregivers.

From the way you speak about them, they can never do anything right, every tiny transgression is picked up on and ‘reflected’ on every single day and they are told to ‘do better’. Every day they know they are a constant disappointment to you, but they don’t know why.

The only person who need to ‘try harder tomorrow’ is YOU

Agree with this 100%

I know you’ve said you don’t favour the other child - but in all your posts, the language you use about each of them and your attitude towards them says otherwise. Your feelings about your 6yo are glaringly obvious.

Your 6yo will have picked up on it, even if they don’t understand and can’t articulate it. Everything you have described screams ‘this child does not feel secure’ and I mean secure in the context of their attachments with their caregivers.

From the way you speak about them, they can never do anything right, every tiny transgression is picked up on and ‘reflected’ on every single day and they are told to ‘do better’. Every day they know they are a constant disappointment to you, but they don’t know why.

The only person who need to ‘try harder tomorrow’ is YOU

@Ahurricaneofjacarandas

Agree with this 100%

I know you’ve said you don’t favour the other child - but in all your posts, the language you use about each of them and your attitude towards them says otherwise. Your feelings about your 6yo are glaringly obvious.

Your 6yo will have picked up on it, even if they don’t understand and can’t articulate it. Everything you have described screams ‘this child does not feel secure’ and I mean secure in the context of their attachments with their caregivers.

From the way you speak about them, they can never do anything right, every tiny transgression is picked up on and ‘reflected’ on every single day and they are told to ‘do better’. Every day they know they are a constant disappointment to you, but they don’t know why.

The only person who need to ‘try harder tomorrow’ is YOU

I know you’ve said you don’t favour the other child - but in all your posts, the language you use about each of them and your attitude towards them says otherwise. Your feelings about your 6yo are glaringly obvious.

Your 6yo will have picked up on it, even if they don’t understand and can’t articulate it. Everything you have described screams ‘this child does not feel secure’ and I mean secure in the context of their attachments with their caregivers.

From the way you speak about them, they can never do anything right, every tiny transgression is picked up on and ‘reflected’ on every single day and they are told to ‘do better’. Every day they know they are a constant disappointment to you, but they don’t know why.

The only person who need to ‘try harder tomorrow’ is YOU

Wow! That’s quite a glitch there MN!!!

I hope the op reads these last few posts, as I feel for the dc and hope she can change to make the dc feel more secure

@Peachyqueen thank you 💐

@Peachyqueen thank you 💐

The book "How to talk so kids will listen" is great.

DC is only 6. The words you use to describe them will become the words they use to describe themselves. So try to notice the good. Praise every little positive thing. See everything they do in the most positive and empathetic light possible.