To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

I think he is hiding his crusts because he is ashamed.

Sitting him down and reflecting on his day is really counterproductive. Can you imagine. "Now then Ruth, you said you would do 2 loads of washing and take a turn on the exercise bike and you did neither. I am very disappointed with you. Maybe you will do better tomorrow".
Pretty soon I would loathe the idea of doing washing or suggesting a go on the exercise bike because I would be sick of feeling ashamed of myself and that I am disappointing.

Behaviour is just a symptom. Challenging behaviour is a symptom of unrealistic expectations or lagging skills.

Poor little guy. Glad you have some more positive strategies in your toolkit now.

Complete opposite actually.

MANY children who behave well at school and cause carnagebat home do so because at school they are 'masking' . Their safe space is at home and they can take off the mask /control they are under at school and when they get home they 'blow'.

Think of a pop bottle. All day at school it is jiggled and knocked about fizzing up but not exploding. The pressure gets too much and they blow when they get home. Have a look on Therapeutic parenting FB page etc and lots of messages will cover how to deal with this upset at home and food issue support.
Some of it is aimed at fostered/adopted children but also used by many of us for birth children.
(If eldest has ADHD obviously possibly so could youngest but could present in totally different ways)

a lot of people have assumed the child is a boy. I find it really sad that for lots of people, bad behaviour = boy

It is sad. However I have assumed all the way along that the second dc is a girl. Boys are rarely described by their parents as sneaky. People also find unwanted behaviour by a girl much more challenging.

btw no one needs to be forced to eat food, and especially not pizza crusts. Valueless nutritionally, consistency of glue, and probably cold. Do you force yourself to eat food you don’t like, OP? I bet you don’t.

Your younger child sounds pretty normal to me (and pretty smart for 6!) Your older one, however, sounds unusually compliant - have a think about whether your expectations of DC6 are reasonable.

what you're describing is a perfectly normal 6 year old who hasn't yet developed empathy, as it perfectly developmentally expected at that age. While an 8 year old might be able to think "I won't plug the kindle because that means my brother won't have a charged kindle" or "I'll give up the cat because my brother also wants this" (if they are a kind, thoughtful 8 year old), a six year old just doesn't have the empathy skills to think like that. Same with pizza crusts, they're not thinking beyond wanting to get rid of the pizza crusts because they really don't want to eat them. You're putting all kinds of horrible traits on your child, just because your child is acting like a 6 year old. It's not surprising the poor thing is feeling a bit unloved and is doing things to try to get your attention and starting to resent their brother.

For all of those saying that a child can mask at school and explode at home, I really don’t think it sounds like the case here. It sounds like at school the child is either treated as an individual and not constantly compared/comparing themselves to their sibling, or happily more anonymous in a group of 30, versus constantly being the bad one at home. I think the OP should take a long hard look at their parenting before pursuing any kind of diagnosis.

I can think of many cases where school has been a relief from the crap that goes on at home, and the child has been much better behaved at school than at home. To write it off as “masking” would be incorrect.

OP, your dc sounds like my youngest and I found my kids being 6 and 8 one of the hardest stages. Like a pp, I think I had too high expectations of dc2 and of parenting generally. The most helpful things I did were

to have snuggle time with dc2 more often (cuddling up and reading a book at random times of the day was the single best thing we did)

To not assume dc1 was nicer just because they’d learned I was impressed by kind acts

To give the dc chopped up veg while they were watching tv so at least I knew they were getting nutrients

to write a list of acceptable dinners they’d both eat and stick it up. then I would just say ‘but it’s on the list’ if they complained. They couldn’t cross anything off unless they had an alternative to replace it. Also they had some really easy dinners like beans ontoast with broccoli on the side a couple of times a week.

take all the shortcuts you can!

The examples you give aren't massive issues when you have two children close in age tbh, it's pretty much expected. FWIW my ds2 used to put the stuff he didn't want behind the radiator not because he would have been told to eat more but because ds1 ate everything every time. He stopped when I made it clear that he could leave whatever he wanted and a clear plate wasn't a requirement.
It reads as though you judge your six year old because they can't be the same as an exceptionally well behaved 8 year old but that won't ever happen because they are two years younger and have their own personality. It looks like dc6 knows they can't ever meet your unreasonable standards and so don't bother to try. It's preety unfair of you and won't make for a happy family.

They may have something like ADHD/ASD themselves and it just manifest differently.

A friend of mine's little son maybe has ADHD (his father has it.) He's very academic but acts as if he were oppositional defiant.

Some neurodivergent children can be completely different from school to home.

It’s fascinating that most are calling the child a ‘he’ when the OP has been extremely cautious to NOT give away whether they’re male or female.

Subconscious bad behaviour = boy?

@TinLeaf that, respectfully, is bull shit. If you’re trying really hard to keep it together at work, you let off steam at home. It’s your safe place. Children are no different.

ADHD often has a genetic component. Masking is a possibility. Or plenty of kids behave well at school out of fear so again, they need to be themselves at home.

My first has ASD and the second, consequently, can feel a little more savvy in terms of emotional manipulation but it’s actually largely only because of the contrast between them both.

I agree with others you should explore ASD/ADHD.
Our DS is nearly 6 he can be selfish and lies but it doesn't worry me as it's completely developmentally normal I just encourage him not to. He's also a lovely warm kind little boy as well.

Our DD(12) has autism and can be evil to her brother at times and at certain times particularly when she's stressed really controlling, we have to really monitor her behaviour when she is like that and make sure she doesn't bully her siblings, when she's being rigid about something and digging her heels in I want to tear my hair out. Then she can be loving to him in the next breath and is a loving protective older sister.

Some of her behaviour is down to autism and some of it is sibling rivalry none of it makes her a bad person yes sometimes it is exhausting and infuriating but I just try to calm myself down when I start to feel that way.

I would try reframing your thinking around your child yes s/he wanted the cat to do crafting but s/he is 6 so developmently less able to share.
Yes s/he hid the pizza crusts and said he'd finished them that is developmentally normal and food has become a battlefield.
Kicking their sibling is unacceptable and means straight in the step and a toy/privalege removed we do not hurt the ones we love or anyone else is the phrase is usually use.

Totally agree with axahooxa on not going back over their faults at bedtime... Horrible for child especially when it seems to be giving out about normal behaviour. I'd be very concerned your child knows how you feel about them and that is worrying and I'd try to as posters have mentioned stop the battles over food etc. I think it's very easy sometimes to get into a rut with how you view children's behaviour especially when viewing as negative and I think you really need to try and critically examine how fair r not you are being to your youngest child, who is only six.

Not every child who is good at school and plays up at home has adhd.

plus dc6 behaves one on one for op and would appear behaves for the dh.

it seems to be a issue between op and dc6 when dc8 is also there. like mum favouring dc8 all the time as the perfect child.

I really recommend the book 'siblings without rivalry' lots on this exact situation. Hope things get easier!

Actually, I assumed the older child was a boy (described as well behaved and kind) and that therefore the younger child must be because the OP said they were the same gender. I've just realised that the OP never actually revealed the gender of either child, just that both children are the same gender.

Oh the irony of referring to a child you wish you’d never had as ‘DC’.

How do you think that comment helps the OP, who had said she is struggling?

A lot of this behaviour sounds very much like my 6 year old. She drives me round the bend most days and I find her behaviour so much harder to manage than her older sisters. I have also felt that sometimes I wish we hadn’t had her. Some very good advice on this thread though that I will take on board, especially the spending one on one time together as I don’t think she gets enough of that.

I also have dc with sn and behavioural challenges and a sibling dynamic that can be toxic so you have my sympathy.

What has worked for us is me starting everyday with a clean slate, ending every day with hugs, kisses and an I love you. And when things get tough, doing a bit of love bombing to reset the balance and get us back on track.

This sounds like me as a child. I acted horribly towards my sibling as I thought nobody liked me and I was jealous of them. Harsh reprimands (beatings and harsh words) only cemented the low self-esteem and caused more sneakiness. I can't remember really having much attention or affection, certainly never on a 1:1 basis.

I'd advise spending more time and love on your youngest.

I agree with everyone else.

Your 6 year old is perfectly normal. Please don't call him out for hiding pizza crusts and unplugging the kindle.

It sounds like every day is an interview for the job of who has made mum the happiest. Don't do the analysis at the end of each day. Your kids need to be loved and given positive reinforcement just "because"; not because they have pleased you That is not why they're on Earth.

Gently: Yes, these seem like minor and ordinary squabbles.

Parenting is hard, OP, and it can be relentless. It sounds to me like first of all you need more support and maybe help, you have your own needs that aren't being met. Do you have someone to talk to about these things?

Wrt your child: you have a relationship problem that needs addressed, and I'm sure can be addressed.

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Kids-Push-Buttons/dp/0749925248/

Might be useful. Also special time, absolutely.

I haven't read the following, but find most of what Dr Markham says invaluable:

www.amazon.co.uk/Calm-Parents-Happy-Siblings-fighting/dp/1785040251/

Well said 👏
I've wished we didn't have DS he is the most darling child but Probably has ADHD (he has an assessment booked for when he is 6) and he is relentless, he wakes up multiple times and night and then is up at the crack of dawn. It's not that I actually wish I didn't have him he's my darling baby that when you are that exhausted and exasperated you just want it to stop for a few seconds.

Pick your battles op. Some kids don’t even eat the crusts at 13/14. It sounds as though you possibly need to relax more and celebrate the differences between your children.