To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

Could dc6 be adhd or perhaps asd too but masking well at school and kicking off st home after keeping it all in.

maybe it's reaction to her dad being away?

could she be attention seeking? I only say this as I have Ds 11 who is asd, Dd 7 has some degree of sen too but much less effected than Ds. If attention is on Ds she plays up to get the attention! Could she be jealous of sibling?

I don't have much advice regarding food. Mine are nightmares with food too. I tend to give Ds the food he likes as it's better than not eating at all. Dd used to be a good eater but doesn't like 'hot' food at the minute. Nightmare!

Maybe it’s just me but I think the pizza crust hiding is pretty impressive for a 6 year old!

i feat you may be looking at this all wrong. I have a kind hearted dear, dear soul of a daughter who would do anything to please her brothers… they are more the type who would unplug her iPad to put theirs on charge 😂 so I get you. But nothing you’ve said raises any alarm bells about him tbh, just that maybe your tolerance is low due to stress? When I’m stressed I have to remind myself not to pick at the small things.
do they share a room? If not can you say after dinner maybe is an hour where we play in our own rooms? Just to get a bit of space for everyone then back together to relax ready for bed?

The pizza crusts thing is a really minor thing. You may want to consciously overlook some things- ignore the minor things you don’t like; acknowledge and praise all the good stuff, however minor.

Siblings fight and squabble. A lot. It’s the nature of siblings. I try not to get involved at all- let them sort it out.

I think you need to get the idea that your life could be easier without your second child out of your head- it’s really unhelpful to you and a really bad thing to have on the tip of your tongue when things get really tough (plus in their teen years).

Your expectations of children’s behaviour (and how infuriating it can be!) and sibling relationships seem a bit unrealistic. Maybe really deliberately work on accepting your child exactly as they are and pushing any comparison with their sibling out of your mind.

Your younger child thinks you don't love them as much as their sibling. That is where this is coming from. To be fair they are correct. I think you need to look at your own parenting first. Your older child is quite possibly the one who is manipulating you by being so nice to their sibling.

What would you do yourself if someone tried to make you eat food you didn't want? I actually don't think hiding it in the rubbish to avoid being told off and made to sit at the table for hours is such a bad strategy. In that situation just say that if they want any more pizza they need to eat the crusts, if they don't they can move onto the next course or go and play. That way the choice is theirs and no arguing is required. Making it into such a big deal that a child is hiding their unwanted food in the bin is really terrible and bordering on abuse in my opinion.

I think he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year old, and you are being too hard on him @FartVandelay

I remember my twins being really hard work aged 6- I was told there’s a hormone change at this age. No idea if it’s true, but I can believe it!!

I agree with pps that your 6 year old son knows you prefer his older sibling @FartVandelay

I would radically rethink your approach to food with them. It does sound like they could also be Neurologically Diverse, the coke bottle effect is a real thing.

My ASD ADHD 9 years old is very jealous his younger sibling is Home Educated. We went to tribunal for the 9 year old school do it's frustrating, but it's beyond his comprehension. Your child is only 6 and I think you need to cut more slack and get to the route of what's bothering them.

I try and do an evening dog walk with just the 9 year old and also try and make sure the 2 do a fairly regular amount of fun outside the house together. They tend to squabble more at home but outside become quite the team.

Agree, pizza crusts aren't the end of the world. DC6 will deliberately kick their sibling when they're both watching TV, will unplug DC6's kindle so they can plug their own in. DC8 will do anything for DC6, they were choosing crafts the other day and DC6 said they wanted the cat which DC8 had their eye on but it was DC8's turn to choose so they chose the dog so DC6 could have the cat. I can't think of many more examples and typing these out they seem quote tame. Maybe I'm making more of this than I should be?

Honestly, that all sounds SO normal for a six year old. Don't make the mistake of expecting your 6yo to behave like your 8yo.

I’ve just finished reading Philippa Perry’s The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. It’s about connecting with your child. I’ve loved it and found it useful. I wonder if it would help here?

i have similar problems!

my advice (doesn’t always work)

• do my best to avoid them seeing their sibling as the good one so I reprimand eldest when needed, don’t let it go if I wouldn’t for youngest


• each day is a new day, I tell them lots of good things about them and say how well behaved they are so their self esteem is high


• I work with eldest to be tougher on younger one and try and stamp out any unkindness quickly but massively praise kindness to their sibling


• I try and them feel us and them so they see their sibling as on their side e.g. you two can choose this or you two if you can help each other do this can have this treat


• I try and make sure they have 1:1 time with both of us and make my youngest aware that just because eldest sometimes has more things on, they are just as important

Pizza crusts are devoid of nutrition but do have pesticides so not particularly good food, I don’t blame her for not eating them.

Honestly I would suggest that the best thing you can do is spend some regular one to one time with this child so they are made to feel special. Being difficult with food and sleep are common ways for chn to try and gain a control/attention when they feel they don't have any. Best to be nonchalant about the food situation, no timer. If they refuse to eat then just say 'ok please wait until we've finished eating to leave the table then' or 'just rat what you can' and leave it at that. It sounds like you clearly favour your eldest child at the moment and your youngest child perhaps feels resentment towards them for this. A morning out with alone with one parent or the other each weekend doing something nice together even if it's just feeding the ducks and a walk or a cake and hot chocolate at a cafe could make all the difference to your child's self esteem. Their behaviour and your response is becoming a negative cycle that needs to be broken. Make changes by making them feel validated, special and loved unconditionally x

I agree if they get a sense you didn’t want them or favour their sibling it will be causing harm and they will act on that

You can't win food op because you can't force it down their throats. Even when they DO eat, it's because they've chosen to. Don't make it a game and then there's no losers. DS is a bad eater for diff reasons but I've had to learn to let go.

The behaviours you’re describing are fairly normal for close in age siblings. I think you got “lucky” with DC1 as they are v well behaved.

The dynamic with younger kids tends to be different- I love my younger sister to bits but she was definitely worse than me behaviour wise when growing up.

On a deeper level, I think you may have got into a dynamic with dh where you 'favour' ADHD dc1 because dh finds them challenging/ prefers dc2 (is he/ she clever/ learns fast/ better at something dh values eg. sport?) and you want to compensate for dh. Either that, or dh is compensating for you favouring dc1. I think it tends to start with one parent but can develop into a very dysfunctional family dynamic over the long term. I know this because I have been there too.

Incidentally my most academic child is the one who was best behaved in school at that age (knows what to do to please teachers, and wanted to please teachers), but also knows how to manipulate and push buttons at home. He does not have any SEN (unlike his brother, who would not know how to be manipulative or devious). He needs to be engaged all the time, learning and stimulated. He's also very perceptive, so he would spot the 'favouritism' and act up.

I don’t think it’s wise to reflect on bad behaviour at bedtime, or leave all the praise til the end of the day. It’s not appropriate to say ‘try again tomorrow’- this is really harsh. Can you imagine how it might feel to a child? They’d feel they weren’t god enough.

Expect some unwanted behaviour every single day- sometimes lots of it- it’s totally normal.

Re. Your example about crafts and Kindle chargers - why wasn't it possible for both of them to have the craft they wanted (did you buy different ones not thinking that they might both want the same one?) and both charge their kindle?
Is there a larger issue of unconsciously not realising that 2 X DC means 2 X resources needed, so that there's not quite enough to go around, often, giving rise to conflict? Just something to mull over.

Your older DC got years of being the only kid, and, even now, will still be the oldest and the first to do everything - it's natural, yes, and common, to be less excited about & involved in all the doings of 2nd DC, but it's still not brilliant being that 2nd kid.

I was the oldest but in hindsight I do see how badly that phenomenon affected my younger sibling.

My 6yo comes through for dinner and says "eww I don't want that for dinner!" sometimes. His loss. We all carry on eating ours and won't entice him. He can eat if he is hungry, if not there's always supper before bed.

Please choose your battles carefully OP. Pizza crusts isn't one of them! Hope things get easier for you.

It sounds a little like you judge your 6 year old by your 8 year olds standards, it’s great your 8 year old is so lovely, but that isn’t ‘normal’ sibling behaviour, especially for a 6 year old, they don’t sound crafty or bad, they just have different limits. Plenty of 6 year olds would hide pizza crusts. Try not to compare the two so much, or let DC6 see how much more you appreciate their older siblings behaviour as I think it may not be helping you. Sounds like a very difficult situation though OP, especially with DH away. Hopefully some of the suggestions around meal times on here help you

What had they eaten before the pizza crusts? I'm assuming as yo u said crusts not slices they'd actually eaten?

So your older child acts impulsively but it's all OK because of a diagnosis. But your second younger, classic attention seeking second you wish you hadn't had when they probably don't understand the reason why 8 year old is special sainted child?

You fear your 8 year old is too naive but dislike the conniving (average?) skills of the six year old.

Perhaps you and your six year old just want another child a little less ordinary.

Or DC6 could be holding it all in at school and exploding when they get home?

The way your phrasing demonises pretty normal childlike behaviour that deviates from your ideal is quite disturbing.

You come across as if your love for your children is conditional, and your younger child has somehow let you down by not remaining the ‘perfect’ blank slate they seemed to be as a new baby. And in some part of your head, you’re making them responsible for your unhappiness.

He or she will be able to tell. Children pick these things up.