To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

@runnerblade95 absolutely no prob at all, very happy to help. I agree they would be a fireworks display of excitement together 😁

Sex is definitely still a factor extrovert or not. Here is a link to a talk on aspergers I watched a while back, discusses sex differences.
Aspergers/high functioning now all included under the ASD umbrella though.

My son is very much the little professor, very serious in-depth conversations on the daily. He finds it easier to interact with adults/older kids and younger kids than his peers.

I found a scan pic when looking for that aspergers talk for you… blew my mind a little! Especially as our DS has just been ref to audiology.

There are likewise many examples here. Isn’t it lovely that we both recount our observations with such fondness. There is too much stigma and negativity around autism. If viewed positively and the child is supported it can work out well. 💐

@DomesticatedZombie Thanks so much for your message, really appreciate the advice, particularly on active listening. I’ve been going with the tactic of waiting until bedtime until now as he gets more chatty; until then everything is “great!”

We book him into holiday schemes and he’s engaged in a lot of extracurricular sport as definitely needs the energy run off him and helps with his socialisation too. Also agree re. Decompression - every holiday we have a 4-6 week preparation period then allow time for decompression after. The same for any change really but less time either end.

Have you any clue what to do about written work/literacy? He is absolutely fantastic and enthusiastic with maths. But he struggles with reading and his fine motor is behind so finds writing a chore, also a lot of reverse letters and writing words back to front (like tnorf vs front).

Completely appreciate a lot of parents don’t feel comfortable going forward with diagnosis. Have friends in this position. Personally, I am ND myself, nobody really acknowledged it in my day, it was fine (though a lot of stress and bullying) until mid teens then from this point until mid 20s difficult; caused a lot of problems when I moved to being more independent/left home. So on that basis I was very pro going forward with our son. It’s made me a bit paranoid about him going through same. As long as you and your son are aware that will help protect him. I’m of a mind DS will be at home until mid twenties, unless he has a dramatic character change and develops a sense of danger.

Have you talked to the school? That was really helpful for us in terms of:

1. Less hassle - they took the pressure off once they'd assessed him for dyslexia, and that really helped his stress levels
2. They used some specific software/programmes - Nessy was good, at least for a year or two. i think this was about P4 or 5 - they wouldn't assess for dyslexia before then. (age 8/9)
3. There are LOADS of things to try out for fine motor/writing skills. Triangular pencils helped for us, you get thin and thicker ones. Helped his grip, also you get rubber doodads that go on a pencil to help grip. We spent a lot of time working on simple spelling words, printed off the 100 most used words and just took a LOT of time to go over them slowly and write them out. This was very hard work for both of us. Squishies/fiddle cubes etc can be good for kids who like to fiddle but can also help fine motor skills.

Trying to remember some of the resources I had ... tbh lockdown was a real help for us, as what he most needed was concentrated one to one time with someone very, very slowly taking him through things. Once he's got the hang of basics he is great and is now doing well in high school.

Oh, also - we asked for school to be understanding about where to sit him. One class was terrible because the teacher loved BRIGHT COLOURS and ZIGZAGS - it was utter visual chaos. He used to get so stressed and wound up and anxious. (I felt anxious just sitting in the class for a parents' night.) We got her to move DS to a window seat so he wasn't confronted with so much visual stimulus, and this did help, although he has always found loud, bright, cluttered environments difficult this has improved as he got older.

Really sorry to hear about your stress and bullying, how difficult and unfair. Hopefully now as awareness increases things are easier for neuro-diverse children/families.

To return to the OP: I hope you're okay, OP.

I hear someone who is exhausted and frustrated and finding things very hard. I can hear how much you love your children in your posts, even if you are finding it hard right now, and I know you want to do the best for them. I hope you're able to access some support and help.

Things definitely can improve, I went through dark and difficult times with small children; it has got easier and things now are generally great if sometimes still quite tiring.

@DomesticatedZombie Thank you! This is such a help! We’ve already had the seating issue - slightly different reason: he was seated beside window and the direct sunlight was making him feel nauseous; when he threw up a few times they moved him. I feel a bit sick myself thinking of ZigZag woman! Due another meeting with teacher and senco, they are reviewing his report before implementing accommodations, very early days.

Things are much better in adulthood thankfully, and having had experience it helps me to empathise with DS and safeguard for him.

Also @FartVandelay I hope you’ve been able to take some of the positive out of this thread to help improve your DC’s situation and that of yourself and your family. I also hope things are better now that your DH has returned home.

Perhaps seeing some of the discussions on here, particularly regarding food avoidance, will have let you see how common this problem is and the various ways in which is can be resolved through time. Take care.

We have constant dinner battles with our two! I bought a half hour sand timer so they could visually see the time they had left. It helped a bit. Sometimes it didn’t make any difference, but mostly the visual helped. If they didn’t finish by the time the sand had gone then dinner was taken away and they got nothing else. I dreaded mealtimes for a while. It’s improving slowly though! My eldest went through a phase also of sneaking sweets up to her room when we weren’t looking and I’d find loads of wrappers etc stashed in her room when I was tidying. I think they are at an age they just want to test and push boundaries. It’s rough! Try to take a break or a little time out to decompress when you can. It really does help. As for being good in school but difficult at home - totally normal! Hope things get a bit less tough soon.

This has made the tabloids ...

You are kidding me. Is this how 'journalists' earn a living these days? Revolting exploitation.

My mother was/is like you in her blatant favouritism of my sibling over me. I haven't spoken to either of them in six years.

There were/are no special needs at play, just my mother's own issues that caused her to favour my (younger, same sex) sibling over me.

Your younger DD may or may not have special needs as well, but either way, you are causing major issues with your golden child/scapegoat set up.

When I had my own children, I knew that if I did the exact opposite of her then I'd be able to call myself a good parent. My DC have vastly different personalities but I can say in all honesty, that I couldn't pick a favourite if my life depended on it. As a result, we all have a good relationship and my DC are very close.