MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

She doesn’t sound generally lovely — she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Astounded that you and your husband haven’t intervened, and have allowed your daughter to be subjected to this nonsense.

Why not suggest everyone helps or just tell DD she doesn't have to go and your DH will have to get over it.

MIL sounds awful. What are you and your husband doing whilst your daughter is being told to do all these jobs?

Mightyfishwife - I have intervened so many times while there and said no DD has to sit down or similar however MIL still continues and then it reaches a point where I say no DD you stay there I get up

You need to step in for your dd here. Next tike you go round, dd should sit and when MIL asks her to do something say ‘dd did it last time, it’s someone else’s time this week.’

Your MIL will justify this by saying ‘oh but dd is so helpful / mature / quick’. Keep re-iterating that someone else needs to take a turn.

Does everyone help MIL or if expected to cook and serve food for all? That’s not fair either.

When DD is doing these jobs I speak up for her and defend her, get up myself after a while dropping hints that other adults here should take over

DD is refusing to go round at all now

Do all the others just sit there and watch whilst all this happens?

stop going there. Why will your dh row with you? He sounds like a twat.

I have told DD she doesn’t have to go round at all it’s her choice

Everyone does little things however DD does the majority of things which to me is very unfair

DH doesn’t say nothing & so when I do I look like the bad one however just to add I do stand up for my DD & say a lot there

Does dd not feel able to say ‘I’m not doing that today, ask someone else’?

DD doesn’t feel able to say nothing & I have told her she should stand up for herself as well as she is a adult at 18 however saying that I do stand up for her as well but there’s only so much I can say as I can’t keep repeating myself if that makes sense

Tell MIL why DD isn’t coming around anymore. Ideally, in front of the cousins etc who were not helping.

This sounds like something my grandmother should have done to me at times. I am curious though - is DD the youngest girl of her generation? Oldest girl of her generation? Has MIL done this to others in past/might she do it to others in the future?

It sounds like she’s already sorted it. She doesn’t want to go round anymore. I don’t blame her - if I’m doing waitressing/servant work I expect to be paid for it.

If mil asks then tell the truth. ‘Oh Megan doesn’t actually like setting the table and serving everyone before sitting down. It makes her feel like a servant/less than rather than like all the other guests since she is the only one expected to serve others and you don’t really listen when we explain she’s uncomfortable.’

DD is youngest of her generation and has done this to others in the past but it’s a tradition thing as that’s how it looks however if MIL asks why I think I will say DD doesn’t seem to be able to relax & has to do majority of work

Although I must say I feel a bit sorry for your daughter that her whole family have allowed this to become a pattern. Why doesn’t her dad help? Why don’t her cousins? Does her dad generally see his role as sitting relaxing and her role as serving?

MiL cooks every time, presumably?
(not that that makes it fair to single dd out for tasks)

I would be clearer and say dd doesn’t like being treated differently to her cousins and being expected to do most of the work.

Can you say she’s working and can’t come - got a waitressing job getting paid to set, serve & clear tables

Just don’t go over?

Why are you even in contact with a woman who is treating your daughter like utter shit? No wonder your daughter is so subdued when her own mother won’t stand up for her!

How long have you let her abuse her for?

Why are you going along with your MIL singling out your daughter in this way? Why are you not stepping in?

Is this something cultural and idea of preparing DD for marriage? DD should not be made to feel uncomfortable.