MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

If we invite people to eat, we serve them!

what a rude, poor host.

i’d decline further invitations until your husband makes her understand it’s not to happen again.

Why not step in and say no you sit down or I will do that. Or say isn't it someone else's turn as dd did it last time.

I'm not entirely convinced that there is an issue. Are the older cousins male, by any chance?

so everyone sitting there or pitching in? Your posts are conflicting tbh

Lol!

We are talking about an elderly woman 85 who wants to get the family together, it sounds like she is catering for about 9 people.
Hardly rude for her to ask her DGD to help out.

People are adapting the OP's question to suit their own narrative.

I honestly don't care whose culture is being offended by objecting to women and girls solely dealing with cooking and serving food to men. It's time they lived in 2022.

I had this ONCE with my (white British) father who invited a big group of family to a celebration lunch. Left all the cooking to my step mother as per and then expected me (as the only other woman in the family at the time) to clear away and make coffee. While all the men (6 of them including my husband and 3 brothers and bil) sat around the dining table drinking liqueurs. The fact that I had 2 small children at the time and had gone upstairs to change the nappy of one of them, didn't stop him. He waited until I had done that and come downstairs again and then started on about the coffee. I didn't tell him to fuck right off (as I should have done) but I did refuse. I was ashamed of my dinosaur of a father.

Familiar-sounding. As the youngest of three, I was expected to lay the table, clean the sink and other "domestic" chores. The oldest was to marry well, the middle one to be successful in business. I was the drudge. Don't let this carry on!!

But it seems it’s always the daughter that is expected to do the running around and serving every one else - what about the other 8 people? Why are they not contributing and helping this 85 year old grandmother?

I don't understand why you and your husband can't present a united front on this. Is he so intimidated by his relatives that he'd rather fall out with you than speak to them? All the cousins should be pitching in to help set things up and clear up afterwards, not just your daughter. If speaking to his mother is too daunting, the least you should do is raise the issue with the other adults who sit there and let your daughter do all that work on her own instead of ensuring their own children help as well. Your daughter is being treated as if she's less important than everyone else there including her peers and that's not right. I'm glad she's refusing to go now, but she still needs to see her parents stick up for her.

But you know just because something is cultural, a tradition, doesn’t always equate to it being something good. In this case women serving men whilst they sit around doing nothing, and the women are running around them. It’s fine if they want to, but if that is an automatic expectation it’s wrong, and those traditions need to evolve and.change.

I come from a very traditional back ground and the way most men in my family behaved in regards to expecting women to serve them hand foot, was awful to witness and even as a young girl I was resentful of having to serve and clean up after these men as they sat there talking, enjoying themselves. They were like Neanderthals, in that regard. It’s embarrassing actually.

Sounds like you're treading on eggshells, and the argument needs to be had.

i don't think it's fair to totally blame the MIL for all this.
it's probably her background, and what she had to do when she was a junior member of the family.
but what about all the others,
the middle generation and the other youngers ?
they should all pitch in automatically, without making a big thing out of it, or an announcement of changing the routine, just do it.
they sound to be content to exploit the oldest and youngest woman present.
shame on them.
get up and help mother, all of you.

Struggling to get past the fact that a whole family (yourself included) sit around the table without helping MIL. She's 85 and has cooked a meal. The least you could do is help her with some of the jobs. Why do you sit there and let DD wait on you? And by you, I mean you personally, not the whole group. You obviously think it's too much work for her so help her.
Or simply say after the meal, DD set the table and served the food so X and Y, your turn to clear the table.... and then see what happens. Or would that cause ructions?
I don't understand your family dynamic at all because something like this would never happen in our family. Everyone would pitch in to help. No one would expect one person to do the majority of the work

This endless nesting quote function is doing my head in! It's so hard to work out who actually said what.

That sounds like a nightmare for your poor DD. No wonder she doesn't want to go round any more!
it sounds like some backwards warped idea around gender etc. This is a terrible lesson to be teaching your DD- that as a woman it will be up to her to spoon out potatoes and fill glasses for perfectly capable adults, and the work will not be shared out. She is being set up for a lifetime of misery and a husband and kids who treat her badly if this is what she comes to expect.
Sod tradition. You need to explain to your MIL that she needs to cut this bullsh*t out if she wants to see her grandchild.

having reflected on this thread, this m=is maybe what's happened to your MIL too and she doesn't see what's wrong with it, the same was expected of her, etc.
It sounds like everyone involved could do with changing their approach to things- like maybe more people present should be opting to help out your MIL because it's the gracious thing to do, everyone helps out in whatever way they can- that is a good lesson to be teaching the kids present, and is an opportunity lost the way things were being done before.

Is your DD the oldest grandchild? The oldest girl always ends up looking after the others. It isn’t fair and you are right to be annoyed on her behalf and should nip it in the bud.

I remember my grandma used to host similar get-togethers party often. Middle class asia in the 90s, massive amounts of food, lots of noise and laughter, children running from one corner to other, men in their "designated" areas smoking and playing carrom board, women gossiping in the terrace and helping out in the kitchen...

yeah, it may sound sexist and outrageous in 2022, but culturally, guests are not allowed to help out the host, it's considered a sin and an insult for the host to even articulate that she needs help. My grandma always relied on me to set the table, which I did with pleasure. She was old with joint and heart issues (this was the days before modern medical solutions) and I was very aware of the fact that she won't be with us for long and it was a joy to help her out, and also a matter of pride for me that she trusted me enough with her costly china, and set the table.

Yes there was misogyny and patriarchy at the table too, also some bitter bad blood between some of the family members which created drama but none of it eclipsed the love I had for my sweet grandma who'd painstakingly make all my fav dishes during each of this party. We saw each other only a few times a year but the blood bond between us was solid because I... don't know, she told me funny stories and she smelled comfy and motherly, and she was my grandma so I just naturally loved her, I suppose.

OP, not everything is about gender/identity/value politics and whose turn it is to help out. It looks like your daughter has said no to the parties, which is good, she has set a boundary. So just say she has classes or has a job or whatever when she is missing from the next party and don't stew too much for a 85-year old woman's actions. What I'd like to know is how is the grandma normally treat your child?

Has the grandma been close to your daughter historically, does she send gifts or is very fond of her, or is she just a distant relative vibes that your kid sees thrice a year? I want to also know more about your daughter's perspective in this, why is it so awful for her to do some light chores three time a year, for her own family, especially if its cultural and if all her other cousins did the same before it was her turn? Does she not think that it would be the right thing to do for an elderly person, her own grandmother, a few times a year when said grandma spent probably hours in the kitchen preparing a delicious spread for all of them?

The world needs people with more compassion and kindness but I am sure that by itself is an outdated opinion.

This. It's probably not done anymore with nuclear families but back then it was common for the matriarch to "train" younger ladies - such as it was common for the elderly grandpa to advice/train the male cousins - in whatever they thought was essential. My grandma taught me to cook (my mom refused to lol) and she also passed on her special recipe book that she had handwritten, to me. After each of these get togethers, she would gather us kids around her and tell us stories from her life, and from ancient myths and legends, and somehow teach us a lot of life lessons, all simplified of course, but they made up for some great memories....

of course if OP's grandma is really a nasty piece of work who is rude bossy and expects the OP's daughter to play maid, without having a good r'ship with her outside these parties, then she can take a hike.

An earlier poster reminded me of my IL's special wedding anniversary. We were there to help as was my SIL and most of her tribe of near adult offspring. Visitors had started to arrive and my FIL came quickly in the kitchen, having a shot at me (being the only one in the kitchen) that people were arriving and should be offered tea and coffee.

Well I held back on the language, but pointed out the rest of his family including his daughter were sitting in the (formal) dining room and he should go and see them about that, as I was busy making the tea and coffee, and which he did.

I never saw that family move as fast as they did that day.

OP must simply say something esp, if there are other cousins sitting around and not pulling their weight.

@expat101 I’m glad you said something, but why not ask FIL to get his son to help, rather than his daughter?

His Son was helping move chairs and side tables about for guests to get into the lounge room. His Sister and her offspring of both genders, were sitting away in another room together not assisting in any way with the proceedings.

Sorry if this has already been asked and answered (there are a lot of posts to read) but is it a cultural issue with your MIL?