MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

Is this supposed to be a cultural thing op?
Even so if she doesn't feel able to speak up then you need to instead..
If she's decided she no longer wants to visit then you should make it clear to mil why

If I was your DD I wouldn't go if that's how I was treated.

Wow! I would ask when the Fairy Godmother’s arriving so she can get her Pumpkin Coach and Glass Slippers and get the fuck out of that place!
I would refuse to go as well, tbh. Just out of interest, if your DD isn’t there, but everyone else is, does the next youngest get treated like Cinderella as well? If not, it’s not a tradition, it’s bullying.

Your MIL doesn't sound very nice OP treating your DD like an unpaid waitress and your DH hasn't said a word! Fuck being nice tell MIL bluntly DD is fed up of being used as a waitress and no longer wants to visit. Nor would I be stepping in for DD either sit back and let those lazy fuckers do it themselves as my mum used to say to me "WickedWitch there's nothing wrong with your arms and legs so bloody make good of use them!" Families can be the biggest piss takers and cheeky fuckers sometimes 🙄

Your MIL isn't lovely and neither is your DH for letting it happen and saying nothing.
Does he think it's right for DD to be the servant?

Good on DD for not going anymore and putting up with the sexist nonsense

Why doesn’t your DH say anything?

Is it because your DD is female? Women are the servants of the family?
Don’t blame your daughter for giving up on grandma, and shame on granny for treating her like a skivvy.

This is one of the reasons I went no contact with my maternal grandparents. The last straw was standing over a hot plate constantly making food for everyone for the hours straight. There were other issues as well.

Sounds like this is an entrenched behaviour - and it will probably be easier to stop going than to get everyone involved to change.

Good. Well done on raising a great daughter @Safarigiraffe she is totally doing the right thing.

It will be interesting to see what happens next time and you can sit back and enjoy your dinner at MiL's as someone else sets and clears the table.🤭

Why you are going to your MIL's is beyond me. Make a stand and stay home.

Are all the other cousins male, or have they already got children? Is there any particular reason why MIL has chosen your DD to do this? Either way it's unreasonable - I could perhaps understand if all the others had young DCs but I assume you'd have mentioned if that was the case. And surely some of the adults can help sometimes.

I think yabu for letting this go on so long with only "dropping hints" tbh. Hints rarely work - it should have been "come on x/cousin/uncle/whoever lets all muck in" or similar every single time.

You should never have left her to do most of it like this. Why didn't you and your husband muck in each time!? You both went along with this for years...

Is this a sexist thing? Are the other cousins male? Does your DH think was your DD is being asked to do, women’s work?

(Kids do usually lay the table in our family - kind of expected as a way of chipping in . But even with formal meals everyone helps clear the table etc.)

Were any older male cousins expected to wait hand and foot on everyone or is this a privilege reserved for females that we are talking about here?

Your H should explain your absence but
1 - He won't.
2 - He needs to apologise to his daughter for letting his mother walk all over her for so long.
3 - You should apologise to DD too.

You and DD should stay home from future family gatherings. Ideally your H should stay away too. I don't see that happening.

If you choose to go then do not jump up to do any skivvying. Suggest very loudly that some able bodied male, your H or one of the cousins, should do it. Let the chips fall where they may.

What do you do when your daughter is doing these chores? I would get up and help her and make some remarks such as “let me help you if no one else will” or “you sit down now, you’ve done enough. Time for someone else to do their share”.

I get that asking the younger ones to set the table is fair, as is clearing it. All young ones that is, not just one!

However having one person play ''mother'' is unfair. Why not pile up each dish on the table smorgesbord style, and everyone just help themselves and pass the dishes around?

Well DD just doesn't go - just let her stay home?
Tell DMIL she doesn't like being treated like a skivvy.

All these 'problems' ?? People just need to speak up

why can you not keep repeating yourself?

I’m guessing the other cousins are male?
OP, this is not right at all. The domestic stuff needs to be shared.

Who did it before you DD?

DH has clearly been beaten down by his DM as a child and this will remain until the day she dies

He is therefore scared to speak up

DD is no longer going round and I think that's the best stance

I see my own partners grandma treat her daughters in an appalling way sometimes and these two normally very assertive women absolutely will not say anything to her, anybody else they will but not her

So at the minute they've got her or you running around serving them?