MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

Your dh needs to Sort this out directly with mil

Has your DD ever looked her grandma in the eye and asked why she is being expected to do so much? In any case, she is an adult and has made her choice. Perhaps let her also take it from here and put in a call to Grandma and explain why she’s not coming? If she doesn’t feel able to do that, when MIL asks be honest and direct. Something along the lines of “well to be honest she wasn’t enjoying being here as she was expected to do all the work every time, and that’s not fair. DD is a lovely girl and a great helper but she doesn’t like being singled out or taken advantage of”.

I actually think the family need to stop the 85 yo hosting dinner.

Which really means the Ops generation standing up and saying, this needs to stop, we take turn about hosting the family dinner.

It's totally unreasonable to expect an elderly woman to host and deal with it all herself.

Haha, exactly! It looks like most people commenting on this post would expect an 85 year old lady to do all the work, and complain when when she asks for some help to set the table. It's called raising an entitled snowflake generation!

I am curious, OP are you purposely avoiding answering about whether the other cousins have done this in the past or was that an oversight?

I think you should all (older children and adults) be pitching in to help serve up, lay the table, clean up etc rather than all sitting round expecting that you MIL should do the majority.

It takes say 5 minutes to lay the table and 10 minutes to help serve up, how is that such a big imposition on anyone anyway? Not saying the others shouldn't help, just that it's a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

I’m not sure why the MIL is getting so much flak when there are obviously a whole group of adults sitting on their backsides letting an 85 year old woman do the cooking and an 18 year old do the serving

Is mil Asian by any chance - the youngest women do the lions share in my experience (in traditional households, not my good friends, the men are just as likely to cook and clean!)

It doesn't sound that often and she's 85, the best way of dealing with it is speaking to the other guests and agreeing who's doing what, then ignoring mil demanding only one person serves

I'm baffled your dh hasn't stood up for his daughter more. Imagine how she feels when you all go there and she had to refuse? Shameful

MILs can be pains

What is baffling to me is that her parents have stood by and allowed this to develop. You’ve “dropped hints”, you’ve “got up instead”.

Sound utterly pathetic to me.

Oh for fucks sake. Nothing changes if nothing changes. How are we still perpetuating these misogynistic stereotypes in 2022? Because we allow them that's why.

Stop being frustrated OP and get angry. Stand up for your DD and yourself by telling MIL that her sexist treatment of your DD is utterly unacceptable and you won't let her or the rest of the family get away with it.

It's hard when we're taught as women to be subservient to men, despite best endeavours, many people still carry on these sexist stereotype, even if subconsciously. Time to wake your inner feminist and say fuck off to MIL and anyone who enables it. (I'm looking at your DH)

I haven't read the whole thread, so may have missed something, but I doubt most posters on here would expect an 85 year old woman to do the majority of the work in hosting. In most functional families it would be the adult children doing the work, or taking it in turns to host. It does sound like MIL is the driving force within the set up though, from the OPs posts it does sound like MIL are 18 year old DD are doing everything. Which is clearly bonkers and needs to stop. The adult children need to grow a backbone and actually take charge. If MIL refuses, and insists these occasions continue as they are, just stop taking part OP.

So this happens 4x a year?

Your mother could be thinking that DD as the youngest is her “little helper”.

but if it bothers you and your dd as much as you convey in this thread, then FGS woman up. The pair of you.

Why don’t you and your husband just help set the table and plate up instead of saying no DD isnt doing it and she’s sitting down instead. Presumably MIL has just cooked a large meal for the extended family so DD is hardly doing “all” the work.
You are only eating there every 2-3 months so maybe the other cousins had their turns in between when you weren’t thers?

Some if the comments here are insanely over the top about having to set the table and clear the dishes when someone else has cooked and hosted.

So your DD has to set the table and carry plates? Is that it? In our family children always did the table and dishes. Did the other cousins do it previously?

Personally, I always wanted to help my elderly relatives regardless of whether others did. Thankfully, most did. Why are you all sitting there letting MIL do all the work?

To me, it sounds like your DH and his siblings should be the ones hosting now, with MIL doing fewer occasions.

I'd stop going round with her and let dh go on his own.

@DolphinaPD and he can be waited on by his 85 year old mother!

What happens in your own home @Safarigiraffe, who does the cooking, washing up etc?

Now that you’ve come back to explain your mil’s age, she should not be hosting at all at her age. I am wondering if the family do little to help are and the youngest girls are easiest to boss around. It is not normal to sit on your hands whilst being fed and watered by someone so elderly.

The only other explanation I can think of is these meals are in some way ‘forced’ get togethers that your dh and his siblings don’t really wish to attend and therefore are refusing to host. If they are not, could you not either swap the get together to yours and ask everyone to help or plan a rota with his siblings?

There seems to be a distinct lack of communication.

How utterly pathetic.

Do the others see MIL more often than DD? Just thinking if they do then in her head it's DDs turn to help because DC1 helped last meek when you weren't there. Just clutching at straws.

I think DD has shown herself to be the most willing and competent helper so MIL calls on her instead of anyone else.

I don't think not visiting is the answer. Maybe just saying "don't be silly, everyone adult, we can serve ourselves." Serve yourself and pass the bowl/spoon along. Be busy doing something with your daughter when the table needs setting so when she's instructed to go do it say "we're just busy, Jane, John, Janet, Jaqueline I think it's about time it's one of.your turns anyway. Go set the table please." And just leave them to it.

I think it's ridiculous that you have a problem with your daughter helping her 85 year old grandmother host dinner 4-6 times a year. Somebody on this thread referred to it as "abuse". Jesus wept.

Yes, it isn't fair that everybody doesn't help equally but life isn't fair. MIL cannot force people to help her. Why is she expected to do all the cooking? How is that fair? Why doesn't each adult bring a dish to share the load with MIL?

I think it's strange that no one can be arsed to help, including the DD18.

What would happen if you said 'how about ALL the cousins help setting up' or 'dd has set up, let x serve and x can clear away'

Why is Mil still hosting all family meals at 85?

What role do the men play in all this?

Do is correct,who does mil think she is and your mil is making so little of your daughter by getting her to bloody serve every other capable adult.I wouldn't mind her helping out but this is awful

Daughter is correct not do