MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

Is this a cultural thing

Gosh she's 85 !!!!!!!

Wow no I dodon'blame your mil - she's just looking for someone to help.

I actually blame the other adults in the situation. If you and your husband helped everytime alongside your dd your dd wouldn't even see there's an issue. Its mils way of asking for helping hy asking the youngest.

That dd is now not seeing her 85 year old granny I think is on her parents, not the 85 year old.

Why has it been going on for so long without your husband and you naturally helping lay table/clear up.

At 85 I can see hosting and carrying being too much - I think its a real shame the other adults didn't step up and all chip in.
Poor woman. And dd by extension- she's list put because her parents have repeatedly put her in that situation without helping. If you knew dd dodnt want to help her 85 year old granny on her own just help each time so she felt you were doing it together.

She now knows you 2 don't have her back and its got bad enough she doesn't want to go.

No I would be ashamed to tell 85 year old gran that her "bossing" was the reason but see it as the 85 year old needing help and you (plural with dh/his siblings) not stepping up.

who does mil think she is and your mil is making so little of your daughter by getting her to bloody serve every other capable adult

Presumably MIL thinks she is an 85 year old woman who has prepared dinner for all the capable adults (including OP, her DH and her DD) who are so ungrateful that they can't be bothered to pick up their own plates and yet can't look inwardly to see how little they are making of their mother, mother in law and grandma. She is an 85 year old woman that needs help! If you saw an elderly woman fall over in the street, would you ignore it because it wouldn't be "fair" if you were the only person that helped.

Sometimes in life, you do things because they are the kind thing to do. Helping your grandmother is one of those things. MIL won't be round forever and DD will realise when it's too late that to fall out over something as daft as helping lay the table will be something she will regret. Presumably the cousins will regret not helping; that's on them.

How many cousins are there. You say older in their 20’s

did they clear up when younger

you also say dd is youngest of 3 female

how old are the males. Hope they all cleared up as well

in the end helping granny 4 times a year to lay the table and clear the table isn’t the end and def isn’t abuse

though all can serve theirselves can’t they and take their own plate out if need be

does granny do all the cooking

anyone help her

And yes 4 or 5 times a year. Why cant you all step up. Not being able to help an 85 year old every few months is a bit rubbish.

I'm guessing that over the years, this now 85 year old matriarch has always asked a female relative to help. Maybe she just picks the one who's the youngest adult. For years you've never realised this, until it's your own DD who's being picked on. You need to put a stop to this sexist nonsense.

DD should be one of those helping, not the sole one.

Even although OP didn't mention until later that MIL was 85, it was fairly obvious this was probably an elderly grandmother when she stated in 1st post most of other grandchildren were in late 20s.

OP, if this thread is true and not some made up rubbish by Mumsnet to get people’s backs up, your values are all mixed up. Your 18 year old daughter is not being bullied or abused, but your MIL is certainly being taken advantage of.

What has happened to the world? Where is the decency? You are talking about an 85 year old woman. Your daughter’s grandmother. You should be ashamed that your daughter doesn’t want to help her grandmother carry plates to the table, not feeling sorry for her for being ‘singled out’. What does that even mean?

When I think back to when I was 18, I wouldn’t have dreamed of allowing my grandmother to lift a finger. The idea of it - my God. What are you all thinking? What are you teaching your daughter? And from the other replies on here agreeing with you - do other people actually have this mindset? We are doomed as a society if so.

Disgusting. No other word really.

I know people say at 85 mil should not be cooking for all the family I agree but maybe she insists on doing it and loves having family around.I think mil immediate family sons/daughters are extremely selfish people who like to be served.I bet they go in sit down and expect everything handed to them and probably bring no prepared food.One family should bring the meat/fish another family vegetables and someone else dessert and how easy it would be, mil could sit down and enjoy and all the grand kids could do the clean up which would be very quick

The issue is not with helping her grandmother as the daughter always has done its the fact that all the rest of the family including cousins sit down while the dd aged 18 serves them all.I can tell you it would not happen to my daughter znd if you would allow it to happen to yours its making very little of her

How many people are there?

Why doesn't each family take it in turns to set the table/serve/clear up?

Do any men ever do anything?

^^This

This whole business of "dropping hint" and "not being able to say anything" is not helping. You need to stick up for her, and by doing so show her how to stick up for herself. You must clearly say something, such as ""DD is not doing this today" or "It is not our turn this week", and resolutely stay seated. Of course there will be fallout, but it has to be said.

It isn’t fair for your DD to be placed in the servant role. She absolutely should not be treated like some kind of serving wench by her own family.

That said, why the fuck is an 85 year old woman doing all of the cooking/ hosting while a bunch of lazy adults sit on their arses? Everyone should be helping.

"It is not our turn this week", and resolutely stay seated

And if the others don't help, they should all just sit there are let the elderly female serve them? The issue is not with the MIL, but with those attending.

What’s the big deal with the 18 year old being asked to lend a hand, Hollywolly? For goodness sake.

The outrageous part of the situation is that no one wants to help, not that the grandmother is asking the 18 year old.

It makes no difference if she just turned 18. She is still the same young person who has been treated very unfairly for some/long time and thats where its very difficult to change things.

I think you need to make it very clear why your DD is not there:

”Is GDD not with you today?”
”No! Didn’t fancy waitressing this afternoon”

I agree with your sentiment that it should not fall upon the 85 yo grandmother to do all the work. But it is not fair of the family to single out the youngest female to act as servant. I wouldn’t be ashamed that my daughter was upset by this, I’d be ashamed to be a member of family where all the lazy-arsed adults regarded the oldest and youngest women as their servants . The 18 yo is allowed to call out unfair treatment- everyone should be helping.

Has anyone actually asked MIL why it all needs to fall to your dd?

what happens if she doesn’t go? Does anyone else serve?

Probably end up with the 85 year old doing it all

And the 18 year old is being asked to carry a few plates to the table not get down on her hands and knees and scrub the floor. I notice there’s no mention of washing up, which presumably someone else does.

Yes, I would expect my daughter to do this. I’d be ashamed if she didn’t offer to be honest. I wouldn’t care if it was ‘making very little of her’. The most important thing to me would be seeing my daughter help her grandmother, as I helped mine.

This

Why are you all participating in this stupidity? Woman up and stop visiting, your dh can explain why

🙄

When I was a kid, the younger ones were expected to set the table.

The OP's daughter SHOULDN'T have to do everything, but it is hardly abuse