MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

Your MIL doesn't sound nice at all tbh. Laying the table is one thing, my child does it, but to serve the adults and clear up, not a chance I'd ask him to do that. Your daughter has done the right thing by saying she won't go round, if MIL asks, just explain and also remind her that your DD is not her waitress. Tell the adults to get the food themselves.

It's pretty obvious why she can't say that. I suppose she could say something like "I did it the last three times I came, I think it might be someone else's turn".

Yes I did say something when other cousins were not serving as well.Only time I see MIL is when we go there for dinner which is once every 2-3 months other than that she may come round once and again between those visits. But just really have to make it clear to everyone that I have stood up for DD, said things in front of people and I fully support DD decision not to go

You mentioned earlier about it being tradition and in this instance this seems to ring true:

tradition is the previous generations way of controlling the next

Really pleased you are sticking up for your DD it’s a shame no one else has picked up on it on her behalf also

Try reading the OP's posts?

Kids lay the table and clear away in our family too,it was one of ds's first 'jobs.'

Oliviastwisted please read through my post to see I have not been singling out my DD with MIL & have stepped in lots of times

So who does all that now your DD isn't going with you, OP?

Who does the cooking? What do all the other adults do when you visit MIL? Why don’t others step up and help serve etc?

Would your MIL expect this if your DD was a boy, or is there an element of ‘women’s work’ in there?

At similar gatherings when I was younger, it was taken for granted that everyone pitched in regardless of sex.

From what I’ve seen when I am there and DD isn’t it’s the Adult women

Is someone kicking off now your DD refuses to go?

She's right not too, especially if something has been said and it's still not changed.

MIL does the majority of the cooking just to add MIL is 85 years old & does need help from everyone but when it falls on just DD to help while others sit around that’s certainly not on

Are the cousins male ?

Cousins are Female and Male
DD is the youngest Female out of 3

What do you say to your DH, the other males there? What would happen if you piled up all the dirty plates in front of your DH, would he take them into the kitchen and start washing up?

What happens in your own home?

Ugh my mum was like this with me - not my sister just me.

It’s bullying. Tell MIL your dd doesn’t want to visit anymore because MIL picks on her and it’s got beyonfd embarrassing and the whole family is fed up of it.

at 18 DD shoukd be able ro dexide for herself whether or not she goes rounds, but ahe shouldn’t have to step away from family events because her MIL is a bully. You and DH need to sort out MIL.

Sorry, from one of your previous responses I’m a bit confused- have older cousins been expected to do this in the past too?

So a group of adults expect an 85 year old woman to do the majority of the work? Why don’t you all just get up from the table and all chip in.

Also why can't you mention this to your dh without an argument? Is he not aware of any of this?

Then she doesn’t go round and if mil or anyone asks say why .

I'd limit all contact with MIL as she has been horrible to your DD. Yes, your DD could not just go round anymore, but if the rest of your family continue to visit, you're not really supporting your DD. She's getting mistreated, so to prevent that, she stays at home on her own whilst the rest of her family take part in family occasions with your horrid MIL as usual? That's not right. Stand up for your DD, send MIL clear message that he behaviour is unacceptable by refusing to visit too. Do something nice as a family with your DD instead. Your MIL isn't a nice woman, you and your DP are adults, you're not obliged to continue a relationship with someone who continues to treat your child so badly. Your responsibility is your DD, you are her parent, she comes first. Put her first and make it clear that you are on her side with your actions, not vague complaints at the dinner table that your MIL just ignores. Do something she can't ignore, stop going round and playing happy families! If your DP won't do that (which he should, so you have an issue there if not), at the very least do stop going round yourself.

I think your DD is doing the right thing. You've tried speaking up and it's had no no effect so now she's voting with her feet. She's being treated unfairly.

But I also think the rest of the family are treating an 85 year old woman unfairly! At her age, realistically how many more of these gatherings is she going to manage to host?
Your DH needs to step up here, speak to his siblings and they need to step in to help their mother if she wants to continue hosting. Your DH and his siblings are being unreasonable to expect an 85 year old to continue to do all the prep, cooking, clearing up for a family gathering with only one 18 yr old girl helping

I am glad you spoke up for your DD and that she is refusing to go now. I think you should stay home with her. And make it plain why. "We are both fed up of DD being seen as the unpaid skivvy while everyone else sits around not helping out unless forced to. Time for someone else to take a turn"

If your DH gets mardy about it then he is a prize prick. Does he expect to get waited on at home?

These family get togethers sound fairly regular and presumably MIL likes the feeling of all the family round her table. If she sees it falling apart because people are choosing to stay away because of this it might prompt a change maybe?

Hmm, are the expectations split on basis of gender? If so, you need to put a stop to that, that's a terrible example to set your children.