MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

Apologies. I have just seen that this has already been asked. Cultural or not, it is unreasonable. Things move on and change and you don’t have to put up with this nonsense.

This. It's probably not done anymore with nuclear families but back then it was common for the matriarch to "train" younger ladies - such as it was common for the elderly grandpa to advice/train the male cousins - in whatever they thought was essential. My grandma taught me to cook (my mom refused to lol) and she also passed on her special recipe book that she had handwritten, to me. After each of these get togethers, she would gather us kids around her and tell us stories from her life, and from ancient myths and legends, and somehow teach us a lot of life lessons, all simplified of course, but they made up for some great memories....

Looks like OP isn't coming back but maybe the scenario above is more likely to be the case. It is just what MIL thinks is right and does not come from a nasty place.

This. I don't know about other families but in mine, well yeah the men did not help the women who were cooking/serving, but then we women did not help the men either when they did the more physical things like arranging for extra chairs and tables, moving them around, picking up people from bus/train stations if they don't have their own vehicles (it was not culturally okay to let the guest pay his way to come to your home, if you are the host) cleaning the entire home, putting up decorations like mango leaves on top of door jamb etc.

I just find puzzling that OP doesn't answer specific gamechanger questions such as "if her fam is from a different culture". Her answer would help understand the situation so much better. I also veer towards the grandma being a nice person in general because OP framed the first few words of her question explaining that. It probably means that Grandma is nice most of the time but insists on OP's daughter - may be she is especially fond of her, or she thinks it's good character building exercise for young people to help elders, we don't know at this point - which is the problem with both OP and her daughter.

I do think everyone should offer to step up and help set the table, clean etc. That's what guests usually do. That the host will never articulate she needs help, culturally it is a taboo, it is up to the guests to offer help. At least that's how it's in my culture.

I just find puzzling that OP doesn't answer specific gamechanger questions such as "if her fam is from a different culture".

Because it will no doubt undermine the image she wants to convey which isn’t the reality

I agree they should all be pitching in.
But the poster @MrsSkylerWhite seems to think the Grandma is poor, rude host, who shouldn't ask for help. She seems stays if "we invite...we serve them" totally missing Granny seems to be on her own and is 85.

Reality she shouldn't need to ask. Can you imagine the husband say "Mum don't ask DD to help" he would deserve the biggest boot up the arsenal. He should be getting of his fat arse and pitching in along with his lazy wife, who only seems to visit when she's getting fed.

I can't get over this old dear, cooking a Sunday dinner for 8 or 9 much younger and them expecting not to lift a finger.

I don't think culture matters, there might be an age thing going on. Grans asking the youngest adult with no younger cousin to pass the job on to.

I don't know why the Op doesn't say after they've eaten, MIL & DD you sit down, DH and I will clear up.
Or MIL we'll host dinner next time, or we'll bring the starter / desert. Change the status quo of the MIL doing it all.

I bet she loves getting her family together but is exhausted after it.

If DD is 18 she should stick upon for herself if she has an issue.

She is old enough to buy a house, mother a child, drive a car, fight for her country and much more. She should be able to have a discussion with her Nan.

I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to go round anymore

At your MIL's age she should be the one getting cooked for, not the one doing the cooking!

DM loves to host, loves to have us all around but we each bring a dish so that she doesn't have to lift a finger. Those who don't bring a dish, get the setting the table/washing up afterwards.

That way it doesn't fall all on DM or any one person, and everyone pitches in until the place is cleared away again and we can all sit down.

If DD doesn't want to go, her absence will speak volumes. If anyone asks, be honest and say sje didn't want to come. If anyone ask why, again, be honest. I'd say something like " she can't really relax and enjoy her time here as she feels singled out when it comes to chores. She loves seeing everyone and helping out but thinks the chore expectations are unfair".

You'll get the 'they've all don't it' response to which I'd reply - 'as they're all adults now, the grandchildren should share the tasks.'

Another option is to visit and not eat there.

Geez...
I would never expect a person of your MIL age to be cooking dinner for a large family to start with.
If they did WANT to, it would be on the understanding they had help from start to finish from their FAMILY.
Not just one person singled out for whatever reason.
If you are not ALL offering to help, you are selfish entitled arseholes tbh.

@Neverendingmindfuck - Exactly. If it’s true, it’s mind blowing. Then again, so many people on here think Grandma is ‘abusive’, that this type of warped thinking has to represent a generational mindset. Which is pretty depressing, if not surprising given the state of the world. So many spoilt brats …

Where is her dad in all this. He should be saying something!!! After all it’s his mother and God only knows what his daughter must think of him. If he thinks this is okay shame on him.

nobody needs to say anything.
just arrive in time with food to share, or to do/help with cooking and wait on grandma.
everyone to step up and pamper grandma. simples.
same for clearing away, etc.

But if the youngest was male, do you think the same expectations would be placed on him? I don't.

I have read a lot of the replies here and to some extent I’ve changed my mind.

Granny is who she is and she is of her own generation but equally I don’t think it is respectful to allow her values to make your daughter feel singled out among the grandchildren unfairly.

I definitely think it is up to the rest of the family to step up here and make DDs experiences fair by taking on the workload too. You can’t change granny, DD shouldn’t be doing all the work unfairly, others stepping in would help.