MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

She's being asked to set the table and carry plates to the table to help her MIL? And when you say each time how often are you there? Does everyone take a turn cooking/hosting or is it just MIL because I wouldn't be making a row over having to carry plates every time to the woman who cooks the food and plates it every time.

if you're sayings it's tradition does that mean al the other cousins have had their turn?

How many people are there at these meals? Who does the cooking and washing up?

i would say that your MIL is training your DD to be someone’s nice, subservient little wife.
Your DH may be right on board with that!

That happened to my sister and I when we were growing up, in every family gathering we were expected to get up and help whilst all my cousins were seated. So I felt like I was beneath them, although at the time I couldn't articulate it. This is teaching your daughter to be subservient. It is taking me years to change my mindset ( there were a few more things happening) Unfortunately, I didn't have a mum to stick up for me. Please as lovely as your MIL is , she might have been brought up this way herself, speak to her clearly of what your daughter will or not do so she doesn't have a doubt of what is expected. If she does it again , your daughter, husband and you get up and leave.

Good. Support her in that. She isn't cinderella without a prince. If MIL chooses to use her then she is making the right choice to avoid such a person. I wouldn't even explain it to MIL.

What's wrong with MIL being upset? I'd rather that than my DD.
Just see less of her.

DH should deal with his mother on this: if he hasn’t you also have a DH problem.

I think it could reflect how MIL sees the DD's parents. Was DH the lazy/ dutiful/ kind/ easily manipulated one of his siblings? Does MIL have more respect for his eg older brother (successful, confident, no time for tedious housework, type?).

And she presumes DD will be the same.

Support your DD in not forcing her to go round there but I still think you owe it to her to tell MIL why. In front of everyone ideally, say to her that DD doesn't want to come round anymore because she is told to do all the serving work and it's very unfair.

Is this a cultural/boy vs girl thing?

Eg culturally younger generation expected to be subservient to elders, then DD treated worst as youngest/a girl?

I think on it's own it's not that unusual to expect youngsters to pitch in with jobs, but it should all of them and not just your DD.

Good on your dd. Who serves if your dd isn’t there? And did the elder female members get a turn at being treated like this?

Have you asked your MIL or your DH why it's your daughter's job to serve everyone?

Is this a cultural thing? Are you / your MIL from a part of the world / religion / culture where it is normal for the youngest daughter to serve at the table?

How did this start?

Are the older cousins male?

Apologies if I've misunderstood, but do you mean that the other cousins have all had to do this in the past, and it's now considered to be your Dd's "turn"?

Sorry this is completely sexist and degrading and needs to be stopped now. Your poor DD is being treated like a bloody maid. If I was her I'd have refused. I don't blame ger for not wanting to go round either. I hate this female on female sexism it drives in insane. Shame on your MIL for doing this.

Oh wow what a refreshing post. Where I grew up this was expected as well. My mother is from a HUGE family. We were also expected to do all of the dishes as well, wash dry every thing. Then serve dinner and coffees. Might I add that the majority of these people wouldn't have done any cooking as well, in case that's the thought (was my grandmother).

When i moved to the UK I went home once for Christmas before telling my mother I wasn't doing it again as it was even worse that I was spending my limited time off serving others and not enjoying a day like Christmas myself.

Whilst other cousins did this did you say anything or just sat there and be waited on?

I don't understand why you and DH have been so passive in how your dd has been treated. You should both have been very direct and firm with mil and everyone. At least she has solved the issue herself at 18, hopefully she doesn't have any pressure put on her to visit again.

Lots of responses thanks everyone but just to make it clear I have stood up for my DD and I have said to DD to sit down however it continues no matter what which is why DD now is refusing to go which I fully support her on

Make sure you let MIL know why dd isn't coming any more. Good decision by her. Great practice for cf later in life.

But did you never say anything when other cousins were serving? Do all the adults sit there passively whilst being served?

Yes, this! It's about chipping in as well as learning to do things from a young age. I guess kids are too pampered and protected these days that they grow up to be snowflakes. In my childhood I contributed to a family lunch or dinner by setting the table or washing some dishes or taking the trash out. It's not a big issue at all. It was just a training for the future - for example when I lived in university halls this training at home or in grandparents' homes helped me to be self-reliant. I remember and was shocked that many of my flatmates did not know how to wash a plate or make an egg or peel an onion.

This. Sounds like MIL is doing a lot of hosting for this to have become a thing. Why is no one else offering to help? Sounds like the older grandkids should be stepping up and offering to help.

Drives me insane that the older grandkids don’t offer to help at all when we’re at MILs, they expect to be waited on hand and foot. Mine are too young currently to help but I can assure you I will be telling them to help set the table/carry stuff through/help clear up as soon as they’re old enough (I always do the clearing away/washing up when we’re there).