Hit me with some hard truth

[Newmama93]

herviewfromhome.com/motherhood-son-growing-up-slowest-breakup/

this article has me really depressed and feeling so miserable for a while now. Is this what it’s really like? I was so unprepared for the pain of this.

🙄 are you/the author American?

Looking at pics when they were small & adorable, I can find guilt in my parenting failures but not grief that they developed into healthy interesting people.

Absolutely 100%

The whole idea is that you WANT them to grow up, because the alternative actually IS heartbreaking.

Watching them grow up is such a privilege

What a load of sentimental bs. Please don’t be like that with your son OP. He won’t thank you for it in the long run. It’s just weird and slightly creepy.
We want our children to grow up into well rounded adults don’t we? That includes teaching them how to be independent people with lives away from ours.
We also need to have interests separate from our kids otherwise this is the sort of unhealthy, obsessive nonsense that can fester.

Utter shite like this makes me even gladder I didn't have children.

I get it to an extent. I have loved my children being little so much, sand have felt pangs of sadness looking back at when they were tiny, wishing I could relive it, stay in that state of love together with them for longer.

Motherhood can feel like it's a progressive letting go of your child - from them being inside you, to constantly in your arms, to running off and then back, to eventual independence.

But I wouldn't compare it to a break up or romanticise the relationship, I think that's weird, but I do think mixed feelings as your children grow is very common.

But those mixed feelings are gone now.

They evaporated in an instant a few months ago when a doctor sat me down and told me she had a brain tumour. For a week we didn't know whether it was a type that would kill her.. Thankfully she should live, but after staring into the abyss of a possible terminal prognosis, and instead being given a complicated future, but a future nonetheless, how I feel about her growing up changed in an instant.

I love her cuddly toddlerness, I love how a cuddle from me can make her life so much happier. But more than anything I want her to grow up now. Having it so nearly taken away really reminds you what's important.

Enjoy your little one. And yes, it's ok to look back wistfully. But growing up is a privilege, and the alternative is so much worse.

💐to the posters on here who won't get to celebrate their children's milestones.

I also find the number of (mostly American) perspectives that depict parenthood as a quasi-romantic relationship between mother and son/father and daughter to be deeply weird and damaging.

This reminds me of that trend on Instagram where they talk about how the first 4 years are so important and you should enjoy every second...

I have 2 boys and the eldest is 2 so we're very much still at the beginning, but I'm already glad he's 2 and not 1 and even more excited for when he gets older - then we'll be able to have actual conversations, he won't start screaming at me because he broke his pancake, etc. No way would I go back and restart now 😅

Enjoy your squishy baby but get excited for all the fun that will come when he shows his own little personality and begins to interact properly with you!

You are looking at this wrongly, OP.

Think about it. A life needs considering, if at all, as a whole, as Aristotle pointed out long ago, '... for one swallow does not make a summer'. Each part of your child's life goes with others to make up that child's life as a whole, just as each part of the child's life with you goes to make up a part of your life as a whole.

So be sad at moments lost, sure - that's part of life too - but be glad at those moments, that they were gained.

How terrible for a child, that it did not grow up, as some have posted. That calls for true sadness if anything does. I am sorry for you, such children and your parents. Thank you for reminding us, those parents. But still, we know, such children also bring joy and happiness.

For all of us, carpe diem, and savour those moments lost. Savour also the sadness you feel at loss, in the knowledge of greater sadness at such loss unachieved.

A grandchild calls this emotion we feel at human growth-and-change examined, 'happysadness'. I offer that from her to you. Such happysadness, whatever else it might be, is a genre of joy.

See this makes me sad!

i loveeee my son being little so much, the happiness it brings me it so intense. I adore him and really am loving seeing him happy and learning and all the funny stuff he does etc. I’ll miss it so much.

I think you need to stop reading twaddle some people have lost children cant have them and youre worrying about something that hasnt even happened yet

dont be inseperable forever or he wont learn anything

I have a 6 and 14 year old. Sometimes when I’m cuddling the 6yr old on the couch I look at my 14yr old and wish I could do the same with her again, and it does make me feel a bit sad. But then the 6yr old starts jumping on me and wiping bogies on me and I look at her and think, I can’t wait till your 14.

It’s the most wonderful thing to watch your children grow, to see the people they develop into, and it doesn’t suddenly stop because they are teens.

The author becomes the MIL from hell having numerous posts related to her on MN without her knowledge.

it is indeed, sentimental claptrap.

Sure, there are time when i see toddlers, or little boys running around (and girls) and i think i miss that stage, the laughter, the fun, the cuddles with this little being that fit right into my lap, tucked under my chin, and who hugged me with every fibre of his being like letting go would never happen..

but then i see the tall young man he's growing into, and i'm proud of him, and everything he has achieved in spite off all the doubters.. like many other parents here, i'm mum to a son who happens to be disabled, and may never make it 100% to adult indepedance, so i greet every delayed milestone with triumph... i savour the moments his lanky frame (Now my height) curls up on me for a hug, albeit briefly because he's bloody heavy and has a boney arse.

It's right and normal at every stage to love them, miss the younger one, and wistfully regret them growing older, and be nervous of what the future holds, all at the same time.. but we can never let that hold us back from letting them grow up, pushing them to be their best.. thats our job, to prepare them to launch into life, but still knowing we're a safety net and guide to catch them if they fall.

Yep that Instagram trend had me sobbing as well

There's a really creepy tone in this article, I think. This whole 'he grew up without my consent' vibe is horrendous- your son is a person in his own right; it's your responsibility as a parent to teach him about the world and support him in getting to know himself. He's not a possession, he's not a toy or a comfort blanket.

It's almost like this person believes her son owes her his constant presence and access and this is weird. The woman needs to get a grip!

To the OP, though - I totally get it. The idea you will never meet that human again. But think of it like layers of an onion; he's just becoming more himself and you get to know him on an ever more meaningful level. Be proud and thankful for him and grateful he gets to grow up so loved.

No you won't miss him so so so much. It's all hormones.

Uuggh what a terrible article.

I am sadly a bereaved parent as DD died. DS is now 21 and he was so caring when his sister died, all he was worried about was me, He is now a well rounded young man who has a lovely girlfriend. He said let’s not live more than an hour away from each other when I leave home, he saw how difficult it was with all his grandparents living miles away and also overseas.

I was talking with friends who share a hobby who all happen to be young males. One said he was home from University for Easter holidays as was his brother who had turned up with flowers for their Mum. It was quite endearing how he called his brother a dickhead because he had thought of it and he hadn’t.

They will always be your child but the greatest gift is raising them to be independent adults with as many life skills as possible.

Well I hope not because if you do it means you're not enjoying the other things he will be doing and learning and saying when he's older.

I also find the number of (mostly American) perspectives that depict parenthood as a quasi-romantic relationship between mother and son/father and daughter to be deeply weird and damaging.

Yes totally agree. Something icky and really overstepping about it. If you’re viewing your special relationship with your child through the lens of them being the opposite sex - eww. It makes me think of those mils who wear a bridal dress to their son’s wedding, insist on doing a first dance with him and then cry and get pissed.

I have a teen son, yes we get on and enjoy each other’s company, sometimes - but I’d hate to burden him with a quasi-romantic closeness vibe. Ugh.

But it doesn't end. They're always learning and doing new things, there's so much to be proud of as they get older.

I haven't RTFT and I really CBA reading much of the article .

I have a DS , 22yp still lives at home ( going back to University soon)
He is saving money like Gollum crossed with Scrooge for his future house .

I remember seeing him at school , in a sea of young men in uniform and absolutely gobsmacked that this tall , handsome young man was my son. He just seemed to go from pesky boy to youth in a leap .
I love watching him walk along with his guitar case on his back.

Be proud of their syeps through childhood into teens and adulthood .
Take some of the credit but they are their own person.

Well OP, you have a one year old. He has already gone through the biggest rate of change he will ever go through. Do you cry every day that he is no longer a newborn? Or do you enjoy the toddler he has become? Why do you think it will be different as he grows?

Honestly, get a grip OP

Your child is 1, your relationship is supposed to be close, intense even, as he is totally dependent on you for everything at this age.

But he will grow and develop, and your job is to teach him to be a good, kind, independent individual who can fulfil his ambitions and contribute to society as a well rounded adult.

The worst thing you can do it try to hold him back. Nothing destroys a parent/child relationship more than the parent putting their own neediness before their child's need to spread their wings. Supportive and encouraging parents tend to have the closest relationships with their adult children.

So enjoy your baby for now while he is little, then recognise parenting for the pleasure and challenge it should be as he grows. Be his rock, his biggest cheerleader and his advocate. But never try and baby him.

And stop reading over emotional twaddle on the internet. Do your job and do it well.

What a lot of mawkish, self indulgent claptrap! My son’s 47 now and fortunately we share a lot of interests. We have days out together, we sit in cafes and talk, we generally enjoy one another’s company. In other words, we’re mates. Would I want the baby, toddler or adolescent back again? Not on your Nelly!