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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hit me with some hard truth

221 replies

Newmama93 · 23/04/2022 09:34

herviewfromhome.com/motherhood-son-growing-up-slowest-breakup/

this article has me really depressed and feeling so miserable for a while now. Is this what it’s really like? I was so unprepared for the pain of this.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 23/04/2022 10:38

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 23/04/2022 10:16

Ime, as a parent if 14,10 and 7yo - yes I do occasionally feel a tiny bit sad when I look at younger pics that the tiny people are no longer here, but on a daily basis and overall I love who they are becoming just as much and I want them to have happy independent lives.

Honestly - be careful what you wish for. My 14yo has SEN and sometimes I wonder if he will ever be able to move out and be independent. Completely honestly I don't want him at home forever and though I absolutely love his little squishy self, I don't relish the thought of him as a adult living with me long term. He lovely (at times) but my job as a parent is to prepare and enable my children to become independent adults.

And the growing up happens so slowly and gradually, and brings so many new and unexpected joys, that for me I don't notice it unless I spend ages looking at baby pics really.

It's nothing like a breakup - that is unbelievably weird and as pp have said creepy as a perspective.

Agree with what you said about raising and preparing our children into becoming independent adults. My 7 yo is autistic, says a few words and even though I have high hopes he will one day become independent enough to leave home. It keeps my DH up at night worrying about what happens if he can’t and the many what ifs that comes along with it.

I get nostalgic at his and his brother’s pictures but I don’t feel sad. I’m more amazed at how much time has passed and how much they’ve grown and how when I still look at them I can see those baby faces in my mind.

I also agree it’s weird calling it a break-up. Why romanticise a relationship with your own child?

GurlwiththeCurl · 23/04/2022 10:38

One of my sons is in his 30s and still lives at home. He has ASD and SN so still needs a lot of support. I wish, for all of our sakes, that he were able to leave home and live an independent life!

crackingreward · 23/04/2022 10:39

I guess I’m feeling a little nervous on how I’ll handle the adjustment as my son and I are inseperable.

You are 'inseparable' because he is 1. Presumably you want him to grow and develop normally? Part of that is becoming separable. It's normal, it's natural and most people enjoy seeing their children grow and progress.

It's concerning this has made you depressed and I seriously think you need to speak to someone to get your mindset altered.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 23/04/2022 10:40

What a load of self-indulgent navel-gazing bilge.

I loved my (boy, as it happens) babies, but I absolutely love seeing them develop into real people, grow in interests and personalities and complexity. I have no interest in holding back the tide.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 10:40

This is utterly bollocks but what I will say is that a cursory glance even on Mumsnet will show you that MILs only have to blink 'wrongly' to be deemed annoying, untrustworthy, over-stepping boundaries etc. To some extent your relationship with your son (in the very far future) very much does rest on the kind of person his wife/partner is. This site could run on MIL threads alone.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 10:42

I meant that the piece was bollocks not what I said afterwards. So just hope that you'll be one of the lucky ones who doesn't dare touch your future grandkids' toes because that might be the first and last time you see them all!

FreddyVoorhees · 23/04/2022 10:42

In 15 years you'll be thinking, sweet lord my food bill. The fridge will shake in fear when he enters the room.

You'll be wondering what his monosyllabic grunting means and also what exactly is that strange stench eminating from his bedroom.

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 10:44

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 10:42

I meant that the piece was bollocks not what I said afterwards. So just hope that you'll be one of the lucky ones who doesn't dare touch your future grandkids' toes because that might be the first and last time you see them all!

There's a problem with touching toes (presumably in the right context)?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/04/2022 10:45

I won’t get to see his little face that I see today like I do in 15 years and that’s a really
sobering thought.

You will be pushing him out for some air in 15 years time, if only you can dig him out of bed and prize his hands of some form of screen.

People write a lot of shite on the internet. They are being paid to do so, but you are not being paid to pay any attention to it...

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 10:46

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 10:44

There's a problem with touching toes (presumably in the right context)?

What about doing 'This little piggie' with them?

3luckystars · 23/04/2022 10:46

That’s just weird. I don’t feel like I own my children, the world does and I’m happy and grateful to see them growing up.

phoenixrosehere · 23/04/2022 10:47

FreddyVoorhees · 23/04/2022 10:42

In 15 years you'll be thinking, sweet lord my food bill. The fridge will shake in fear when he enters the room.

You'll be wondering what his monosyllabic grunting means and also what exactly is that strange stench eminating from his bedroom.

I think about our food bill now and they are 7 and 4. We despair what they’re going to be like as teens.

HazelBite · 23/04/2022 10:47

I feel sorry for the offspring of whoever wrote that piece!!
I have 4 sons and I can assure you OP there will come a time in your life when you are perfectly happy to pack their bags, its called getting old and not wanting the hassle any more.
Enjoy the moment OP, I think mine were easiest when they were babies, by the time you have gone through, terrible toddler tantrums, grunting teens, and broken hearts. you will be waving him off with relief and joy at the result ofyour job raising him (hopefully) well done.
Just don't be too fed up when he yoyos home🙄

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 10:48

Mawkish twaddle, is the writer from the US?

Chikapu · 23/04/2022 10:49

Is it really a surprise to anyone that babies grow up? Anyone can publish an article on the internet, it doesn't mean it isn't shite.

FictionalCharacter · 23/04/2022 10:50

Terrible article. Please don’t make yourself miserable by reading sentimental nonsense like this.
It’s unhealthy to have a “yearning to keep them little” as the article says. This was my mother’s outlook - she was always going on about when me and my siblings were little, how sweet and lovely we were, how it used to be….. it made us feel that she didn’t like us as adult children and wanted to hang on to the dependent, helpless little babies that we were. I’m sure that was exactly how she felt actually, and she used to speak to us like little children and use ridiculous baby language to us when we were adults. It made my relationship with her really difficult and in the end I didn’t like seeing her. So be careful.
Your son is only one but he’ll start showing signs of independence, one day he’ll tell you to stop putting his shoes on for him because he’s a big boy now, and so it goes on. These are moments to treasure instead of looking backwards with sentimental teary eyes and making your child wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

FictionalCharacter · 23/04/2022 10:51

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 10:48

Mawkish twaddle, is the writer from the US?

Yep. How did you guess 😏

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/04/2022 10:53

I feel sorry for the offspring of whoever wrote that piece!!

You probably don't need to - she probably wrote it while ignoring her kid as he pestered her to make a snack, watch meeeeeee and buy whatever item was on the TV screen at that moment Grin

You can bet in reality she doesn't moon around cherishing the moments any more than the rest of us.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 10:55

@WildCoasts That's what I mean. Wife could say it terrified her little baby so from there on out they can only visit MIL once a year for 30mins at Christmas because they also have to go see her family. Baby will presumably be sleeping and doesn't need waking up. MIL will be sent pictures on birthdays and that's that. If a wife REALLY wants to keep her child away from (son's mother) she will absolutely do it. Sometimes it's necessary of course but going on some of the threads on this board it seemed MIL was being unreasonable for having the temerity to inhale.

speakout · 23/04/2022 10:55

Just rubbish.
my DS is 24, we have a fantastic relationship, very close- I am enjoying it more than when he was small.
Same with my DD.

2000lightyearsaway123 · 23/04/2022 10:58

Hi OP,

Like all relationships in life they change and develop and although i'm not a mum from my own experiences and observation the same can be said for mums and sons AND mums and daughters. I watch my little brother grow up. We were very close. We still are very close but that close is different because we are all busy adults. His relationship with mum is still close but again different close.

Enjoy your son through all life's stages and disgard nonsense like that article.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/04/2022 10:58

OP your son will.provide you with awesome memories. I can still see the tiny baby in my arms, the indomitable force of blonde, chubby energy that was his two year old self, the nervous chap in his grey shirts and socks on his first day at school, and all the looks that followed.
Not forgetting the experiences of, seeing his baby sister for the first time, the joy at his first try, his pride at getting the best cricketer award, aged 7, the day he phoned me with his IB results and I stopped the traffic on a busy London high street, waving him off for his gap year in NZ and welcoming the young man he had become 9 months later. (Add in the broken arm, ankle, nose, first time he was dumped, etc).

It was a joy to watch him take his next steps. From being ready to walk, start school, go to uni, getting engaged and soon to be married.

Where I would ask you to catch yourself a little and get things in perspective is around the hurts that others have suffered. The parents whose child is disabled or becomes gravely ill and the child who is lost. I lost DS2 at 27 weeks after a few very short hours. I have no memory of him at 1 but I have my imaginings of my quietet, more sensitive, darker, boy who chose music rather than sport. Just be glad op that your ds will likely give you a lifetime or memories rather than imaginings. DS2 would be 26 this year - I so wish he had reached 1 and I'd been able to see him develop into a boy and then a man.

JoJoJules · 23/04/2022 10:59

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 10:40

This is utterly bollocks but what I will say is that a cursory glance even on Mumsnet will show you that MILs only have to blink 'wrongly' to be deemed annoying, untrustworthy, over-stepping boundaries etc. To some extent your relationship with your son (in the very far future) very much does rest on the kind of person his wife/partner is. This site could run on MIL threads alone.

😂I'd say it goes 2 ways. Your relationship with your son, his partner (might be male if he's gay) and any potential gc rests also heavily on how much you stick your nose in their nosiness, how supportive you re of them as a new and independent family unit and how warmly you welcome your son's new partner. Warmly without being overbearing that is. Some mums with sons remain faithful to their version of "We are inseparable", usually hone their husband / partner doesn't respect them enough.

5128gap · 23/04/2022 11:03

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 10:55

@WildCoasts That's what I mean. Wife could say it terrified her little baby so from there on out they can only visit MIL once a year for 30mins at Christmas because they also have to go see her family. Baby will presumably be sleeping and doesn't need waking up. MIL will be sent pictures on birthdays and that's that. If a wife REALLY wants to keep her child away from (son's mother) she will absolutely do it. Sometimes it's necessary of course but going on some of the threads on this board it seemed MIL was being unreasonable for having the temerity to inhale.

I agree with this. DIL have a lot of power and many on these threads abuse it. But in all honesty, if my DS went along with unreasonable rules and sanctions imposed by his wife, as some sons do out of weakness or laziness, and from a poor choice of partner in the first place, that's on him, and I'd be very disappointed in him. Its very sad for a mother, but i certainly wouldn't be entering into any sort of competition with my DIL, or pleading for crumbs from their table.

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 11:03

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 10:55

@WildCoasts That's what I mean. Wife could say it terrified her little baby so from there on out they can only visit MIL once a year for 30mins at Christmas because they also have to go see her family. Baby will presumably be sleeping and doesn't need waking up. MIL will be sent pictures on birthdays and that's that. If a wife REALLY wants to keep her child away from (son's mother) she will absolutely do it. Sometimes it's necessary of course but going on some of the threads on this board it seemed MIL was being unreasonable for having the temerity to inhale.

I do agree that the personality of the partner does come into it ( as well as their own experience of family and maybe different expectations about level of involvement, etc). I also agree that some MILs are treated unreasonably. So far, so good with my CIL.

On the other hand, I had a smother-in-law who was only concerned with the burden her poor son was carrying with having a family to care for, the belief that no-one could care for her son the way she did, just saw me as an obstacle and wanted to run my household for me (no!) and blames me for it all in spite all my efforts (no effort ever from her son). I hope she's happy with the result of her actions. So I've seen both sides.