Hit me with some hard truth

[Newmama93]

herviewfromhome.com/motherhood-son-growing-up-slowest-breakup/

this article has me really depressed and feeling so miserable for a while now. Is this what it’s really like? I was so unprepared for the pain of this.

It's no wonder there's so many mother in law threads.

What a load of bollocks.

Ime, as a parent if 14,10 and 7yo - yes I do occasionally feel a tiny bit sad when I look at younger pics that the tiny people are no longer here, but on a daily basis and overall I love who they are becoming just as much and I want them to have happy independent lives.

Honestly - be careful what you wish for. My 14yo has SEN and sometimes I wonder if he will ever be able to move out and be independent. Completely honestly I don't want him at home forever and though I absolutely love his little squishy self, I don't relish the thought of him as a adult living with me long term. He lovely (at times) but my job as a parent is to prepare and enable my children to become independent adults.

And the growing up happens so slowly and gradually, and brings so many new and unexpected joys, that for me I don't notice it unless I spend ages looking at baby pics really.

It's nothing like a breakup - that is unbelievably weird and as pp have said creepy as a perspective.

I absolutely detest all the internet memes, poems articles etc that act as though a child growing up is some kind of bereavement. It’s sentimental bollocks and it’s purpose is to upset you.

Me too for my SN child the same age. And for the one who died young.

@WildCoasts @AChocolateOrangeaday

Yep, self indulgent, sentimental crap.
They're never "yours" anyway, at least, that's how I feel. I was amazed by how 'other' (or maybe I mean self determined?) my kids felt-right from birth. They had such clear personalities already, such different abilities and needs from each other and from me..
Look, do the best job you can with what you have available. Raise decent, kind human beings. Support their interests and help them to explore as many opportunities as come their way.
Mine are 19 and 22 now. We're as close as we've ever been and there's the added joy now of watching them become real friends as well as siblings. We can talk as equals and conversation is open, wide-ranging and full of laughter.. They teach me all sorts about their world and the challenges they face keep me open minded and aware. They are a daily wonder to me.
So much to look forward to OP.

It’s nonsense as others have said. My grown up 29 year old son came back home to live for a while during lockdown which was lovely, but is now away again, working abroad, living with his lovely girlfriend and has a great job. I’m beyond proud of him. But when he recently had a fall and broke his ankle it was still me he phoned in tears with the shock. So the relationship changes, but not for the worse. I’m as close to him as ever but at a distance which is absolutely as it should be.

My 20s DS is one of my closest friends. We go on nights out, mini breaks together, sometimes with our respective friends in tow, sometimes not. We share a hobby and can occupy ourselves just chatting for hours. Tbh that's less to do with our blood tie and more to do with our personalities though. As two adults we just gel, and although we have other people in our lives, partners and friends, we make room for each other because we want to. Would I swap this amazing man in my life for his one year old self? Not a chance!
Try not to be upset about something that may never happen and is years away if it does. You're looking at this from the perspective of 'losing' your one year old (and you're not inseparable, he's just very dependent on you at this life stage. His personality isn't formed yet, so its way too early to say how close you'll be, you could drive each other nuts!)
It's very different when gradually over many years, they gain independence and your relationship adapts. And often even improves.

You would be upset to have a child that never learned, never grew, developed, never changed.

Agree! Of course it’s sad when they change and make the next milestone and that happens many many times, so you need to get used to it, but I was always thankful that my DDs were changing because the alternative doesn’t bare thinking about!

To those whose babies have left us too young and to those whose babies will be loved and always facing the challenges of those that don’t tick all the government’s boxes…
much love, much strength, much empathy💐

@WildCoasts I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost a DD at birth.

As the saying goes "Never complain of growing old, it is a privilege denied to many".

@BewareTheBeardedDragon Thank you, you are very kind. Have a lovely weekend 🙂

"...beautiful heartbreak that is raising sons.."

As opposed to the utter misery that is raising daughters, perhaps.

My great grandmother had sons fighting in WW1 (and later, WW2) She stood on the steps to her house every time the telegram boy was seen in the street and waited until he'd passed, going out to face it head on I suppose. They came back, one seriously wounded but alive. She then lost her baby son in the flu epidemic in November 1918. Her story and that of many mothers then and now is one of real fear, courage and tragedy.

The linked article is vapid, twee, insulting guff.

My son also died at a few months old and a daughter who died when she was 2 weeks.

Watching my children grow up is such a privilege, I really don't understand those who find it sad, the alternative is much, much worse.

to all the bereaved parents.

I remember feeling this way when mine was a baby. I think it’s natural. We usually (hopefully) have a strong attachment to our children so that we can care for them. There are small stages of grief along the way as they grow and start to detach but the trick is not to wallow in this and to accept that they are part of the natural process of our child’s development and the best we can do is support them to become independent as much as possible. It will pass if you don’t let it consume you!

Cheer up! I'm sitting on a bus next to my 18 year old off to look at a university. He is terrific and life is full of good things. Seeing him grow up is fantastic and I've done it solo for over 4 years. Yes parenting has some wistful moments but tbh they're quite enjoyable in their way. Have a few tears then get out to the fresh air and stop worrying, teenagers and adults are brilliant.

I'm sorry for your loss. My child died in late teens.
@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno I'm sorry for your losses too.

Losing a child is the worst pain ever. Yes, it hurts when older children move out a bit but it's nothing like losing a child. The 'pain' of a child moving out is short lived and just the start of a new phase. Having grown children is nice too.

Yeah, this is my though too. A bit too Freudian for me. <boak>

As a practical tip, I'd also say, while your DS is obviously your top priority, don't let him be the only thing in your life. Force yourself to engage with other people and interests. Don't sit around waiting on his attention, and never let him feel the pressure of your need for him. The ideal is a reciprocal relationship where you both want to remain close, not one where he senses your desperation to have him close and feels obligated to you, which is very unfair on children.

I see my son, all grown up, and I feel satisfied that I have done my job. I raised a fine boy into a good man who I am proud of. Now I can step back and watch him make a success of his life. I feel completed

When they’re small you can’t imagine them not being glued to you all the time - by the time they’re late teens you’ll not be so reluctant to see them go 😂. Someone told me when my DS was a baby ‘one day you’ll pick them up for the last time’ and I was gutted. What they didn’t tell me was that was replaced by them picking me up to move me out of their way in the kitchen! Enjoy each stage.

Utter piffle, and I have grown up children who live hundreds of miles away. I am very grateful that they grew up strong, healthy and independent and are out there ‘living their best life’. When DM used to say “I wish they could stay this way for ever” I would always touch wood that they would not!

When they hit milestones I wasn’t / am not sad that they were growing. I celebrate their progress and share their joy. I’m awed by what they’ve done in their lives so far.

I might feel sad that DM in her late 80s will never be as she was 20 years ago, but that’s a completely different situation.

Tbh when he gets to 15 you'll wonder why you ever bothered 🤣

If the thought of your baby not always being a baby is depressing I don’t know what to tell you really. That article has to be the most self-indulgent insulting piece of shite I’ve read in a while. just enjoy your little boy. We have no idea what lies around the corner. Be grateful he’s here and he is healthy. My friends boy was killed in an accident at 14. My nephew was mentally like a 7 year old until he died of a genetic condition in his early 20s. Christian Ronaldo and his wife will never experience the ‘longest breakup’ of their little boy growing up because he was stillborn. Experiencing your child growing up is a privilege trust me.

It's such a privileged position to whinge about your children growing up and building independence. It's pathetic.