DH friend or am I over reacting

[bibbitybobbitybugger]

Hello all.
Name changed.

But of history.
But friendship group all married. Ranging in age.

Found out that husband has been messaging a friend daily since before lockdown.

Messages started as daily min dance how are you etc.

Since middle of last year the messages have become flirty and sexual. Cross boundaries for sure.
He says it's an inside joke.

Also they are now daily good morning and night
Kisses on them all.
Pet names and inside jokes.
Talking about other friends and partners etc.
Photos from him not her that I can see.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.

Messages were also when he was on a lad holiday and she was in hospital.

Am I over reacting as he thinks I am and that I'm doing this to stop a friendship.

@ManAlive24 deep down I knew I wasn't over reacting and it wasn't friendly flirting.

Some of the sexual stuff they have said is vile if I'm honest totally out of character

That is really shocking. I'm sure you'll find your mental health massively improves when you separate from him.

I hope so.

I know I had problems before this relationship but I'm hoping for better days

Yet another disgusting pair of skanks. He will lose everything by his stupidity!!

Tbh I don't know why she chose him.

I'm not defending her at all. But when I thought we were friends I viewed her as funny, intelligent and a good person. But then I also viewed him this way

Stop speaking with him about it. Carry on as normal. Even if that means he thinks he's intimidated you into staying. I'm telling you it's all an act: acting nonchalant about you finding out, about the prospect of you leaving, etc. He's worried. That's why he's putting such effort in to malign you with others and convince you that you have no perception or power. The more you speak with him, the more you give him opportunities to hurt you. It's time to start moving forward instead of dwelling on him and what he's saying and doing.

Whenever you have the urge to talk about it, speak to that friend of yours who is on your side. Don't talk to him.

When you see the solicitor, make sure you have your questions ready and follow all the solicitor's advice. Good thing you have a separate bank account so he won't be able to tell that you're getting a divorce in motion. Make sure you tell the solicitor about the house title, his bank account etc. Don't assume your husband will keep his word about acting nobly during separation. He didn't keep his word about his marital vows after all.

Lastly, it's not your fault he's cheating. After all, you're not cheating on him despite the lacklustre sex life.

This!!!

I have a few male friends who would send body pics if they had a significant change in weight etc. They would all be fully clothed, probably forward one from fb. Plus I would probably show dp out of interest too. Not naked snaps for sure!!!

It was a mirror selfie.
And I know it was recent as his new tattoo was in it

He was definitely naked too. Because she commented on the obvious

God sorry OP, but what a sh*t he sounds.

Don't let him gaslight you anymore. At the very least it's an emotional affair. He sounds awful.

Sending strength.

Stay strong and don’t let him bully you. You need to put yourself first and really don’t care anything about that friendship group etc which he is trying to shame you into focusing on what people will think.

Speak to your closest friend who flagged the issue to you previously. I would push for 50/50 responsibility rather than full custody. Sounds like kids are being kids but they will understand when they are older. I imagine your left doing all the household things and he does the fun things which often means they are the favourite.

find a nice place for yourself and don’t look back.

I just wanted to say we are all thinking of you and here for you with support.

What an absolute arsehole your husband is!

Keeping it classy, ain't they.

The children will need to be provided for by their mother aka you OP. It should be in your name in case he dies so you don't have to go through the process of a will and getting probate. This is more gaslighting by him. If he dies he could have willed it to OW and make you all homeless. You can and should register home rights, you have specific rights in a divorce but if he dies he can will it to anyone including OW. You might successful fight this, who knows, but the point is unless you have a history of say gambling the safest thing for your DC is for both parents names to be on the title.

He has said he will protect her over you. Please make sure the screen grabs you have got you make duplicates of, email them to your work and personal email accounts - somewhere he can’t access easily. I wouldn’t put it past him to destroy your phone if he wanted to get rid of your evidence.

I hope you made copies of the more more incriminating messages between them. They are clearly both going to lie and blame your mental health for making it up to save their reputation and indeed her marriage or this might be the opportunity he qwanrs to be able to get with her.

He sounds very cunning! Protects yourself, your evidence and speak to your close friend asap. I feel you need some irl support as well as us because this will get nasty, he’s already started.

Be very careful who you trust. My ‘friend’ told her husband who in turn told mine.

Hello guys

Well our friends came over for dinner last night.

Done my best to play happy families and it all be normal.

There was some sly digs at me from him but nothing they would of picked up on.

Just waiting for the kids to go back to school and will try to get the ball rolling.
My brother is visiting soon so i will have some support

@Reigateforever that's horrible. Hope you're ok

Thanks bibbitybobbitybugger it’s all in the past but it was a shock.

Great news about your brother, Bibbity.
Tell him everything - IF you can trust him to keep it quiet & not take over, because he's likely to be pretty pissed off with your H.

This is something you need to manage at your own pace, with nobody tipping the wink to H that you are only playing happily families. Well held on that front last night btw! The digs must have been hard to swallow, but keep remembering - your are merely playing a part for now, while you bide your time.

Your H has a very nasty streak, & like most men who promise "I will look after you" while ensuring that they control the assets & finance, he will ruin you financially if that means more in the pot for him. So you must not show him your hand until your lawyer says your arse is legally & financially covered - OK?

Especially getting your rights to the home registered.
There's a current-ish thread elsewhere that describes a STBexH similarly the sole name on the mortgage docs who attempted to sell the marital home on the sneak to one of those fast cash low price merchants. Fortunately, the OP had already registered her interests & had that confirmed through the correct legal channels, so she was notified before anything could go ahead, & the merchant contacted her to confirm that they knew they were unable to proceed due to the Register info coming up (apologies I do not know the terminology - your lawyer will!).
You MUST get yourself that protection.

My exH, despite having paid jack shit for anything, threatened to "take you down, & ruin your life with lawyers bills - I'd rather end up in the gutter so long as I see you there too" - spoiler, he couldn't, & didn't, because experienced expert lawyers - but people can turn very, very nasty when the partner they are abusing tells them it's over.

So be careful, avoid his verbal abuse & goading by not challenging him yet, & get yourself protected asap.

Awful for you, he is lying about you to your children and the friend group to make you look like the bad guy with mental health issues when he is the psycho. He’s trained you to go along with whatever he does and says (playing happy families, hosting friends as if nothing is wrong). It will get worse. What if he tries to keep the children from you using the lies he is telling, I wouldn’t put anything past him going by what he’s already done.

PP have given good advice on getting things in order. Besides that, the first thing I’d do is send every screenshot I could, especially his naked pic and all other texts, to the friend group chat/email. Not to your husband or OW, but to her husband and to the other friends. Not to get them on your side, but to make clear to all the truth about your husband and this woman. No commentary or explanation. Just the screenshots. Self explanatory and it will be clear who has integrity and stability of mind and who doesn’t.

1. Do whatever you can to get hold of screenshots of the texts and pics showing who to/from/times and send them to the husband and friends.

2. Say nothing to him beyond what is absolutely necessary day to day and even then, I’d say nothing. Don’t talk about what you might be planning to do, or that you’ve sent screenshots (and if he finds out and jumps on you, say nothing. No point. Give him nothing to go on.)

3. You need to get yourself and your children safely away from him. He has already begun turning your children against you. Seek help from professionals, maybe pp have ideas where you can turn, and you also have your brother coming so that will be support too. But you need to get yourself and your children out of his reach, literally and figuratively. He sounds like a very cold blooded malicious and manipulative person.

You need to apply for a homes rights notice through the land registry. There is online info on how to do this and it will prevent sale or mortgage while the divorce settlement is being finalised. Get legal advice now to find out the financial as once he realises you aren't going to roll over the gloves will come off I'm afraid

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

How are you feeling? Anymore dodgy behaviour from hubby? We are all here if you need us for support until your brother arrives.