Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH friend or am I over reacting

202 replies

bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 18:42

Hello all.
Name changed.

But of history.
But friendship group all married. Ranging in age.

Found out that husband has been messaging a friend daily since before lockdown.

Messages started as daily min dance how are you etc.

Since middle of last year the messages have become flirty and sexual. Cross boundaries for sure.
He says it's an inside joke.

Also they are now daily good morning and night
Kisses on them all.
Pet names and inside jokes.
Talking about other friends and partners etc.
Photos from him not her that I can see.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.

Messages were also when he was on a lad holiday and she was in hospital.

Am I over reacting as he thinks I am and that I'm doing this to stop a friendship.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 19:46

bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:42

She does seem to have some control over him, she says stuff most people couldn't get away with, he apologises to her, she's had a go at him and he's accepted it.
It's all ridiculous.

Her husband and I aren't close so I don't know how that would go

She does not have control over him. He is completely responsible for his choices. Don't make excuses for his bullshit.

DinoWoman · 20/04/2022 19:51

LTB. He's an absolute tool and you deserve better.

Franklyfrost · 20/04/2022 19:55

You are in total denial. It’s very likely they are having a full on physical affair whenever opportunities have arisen. He’s certainly having an emotional affair. He’s massively disrespecting you by claiming it’s no big deal. Sorry, I know it must hurt but don’t let him gaslight you. You know and we know that a line has been crossed.

MarbleQueen · 20/04/2022 19:57

Why on earth are you putting up with this? Are you financially dependent on him?

kick him out.

easteregg333 · 20/04/2022 20:05

Leave that POS right now.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 20:08

@MarbleQueen no I'm not dependent on him luckily.

I know deep down I will leave because I cannot forgive this @easteregg333

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 20/04/2022 20:08

How did you find his messages, OP?

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 20:12

She messaged him whilst I was getting some family photos off his phone. And he's never used WhatsApp

OP posts:
Queenofthesky · 20/04/2022 20:25

You poor thing OP. Is she sheepish around you or the same as normal? Can she make eye contact?

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 20:31

Same as usual. Like nothing had changed.
Normal conversations etc.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 20/04/2022 20:35

OP I find it a bit alarming that you are having to ask. I have read dozens of posts like this and very rarely are they as blatant as this. He is taking you for a fool and being massively disrespectful. You know you have to end it, right? Have you got anywhere to go?

ThreeLittleDots · 20/04/2022 21:02

You say 'deep down' OP, yet your disgust and anger at this man's behaviour should be clear.

You're in an abusive relationship as he is gaslighting you - telling you you're crazy for telling the truth. He is the controlling one.

Having an emotional affair is also abusive.

I'm glad you've decided to split and that you don't rely on him financially. Best wishes.

CrikeyPeg · 20/04/2022 21:13

MerryMarigold · 20/04/2022 19:17

I would say you are confused about whether you're over reacting so you're going to send the messages and the naked pic to this woman's dh and some other mutual friends to see if they think you're overreacting or not.

I can bet you that will make him either see sense or at least have the grace to pretend to see the gravity of this situation. Personally I would not be able to put up with a) what he's done and b) his inability to acknowledge what he's done.

Yep, all of what MerryM says.

FabFitFifties · 20/04/2022 21:24

You will do what you feel you should to be happy OP, but please at least have your eyes wide open.Don't be manipulated into minimising this utter betrayal. 💐

Xpologog · 20/04/2022 21:34

“Thank you all

Deep down I knew I wasn't over reacting. I'm just shocked. He was so calm about it like he believed he's done nothing wrong”

He was so calm about it because he’s had time to practice what he’d say, how he’d say it. He’s gaslighting you. Friends don’t send naked pictures to each other!!!

Herejustforthisone · 20/04/2022 21:41

He is utterly shameless. And an unbelievable liar.

How dare he gaslight you like that?

His arrogance suggests he know he’ll get away with it.

To quite a previous poster, please fuck him off, OP.

Celendine · 20/04/2022 21:48

OP he's emotionally abusing you. I would advise that you get counselling for yourself and if you wish get counselling together. Good luck

ABlindAssassin · 20/04/2022 21:50

You're not overreacting OP. He's stepped way over the friendship line. And he's now treating you like an idiot by claiming this is normal behaviour. It isn't! You deserve so much better. Wishing you strength.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 20/04/2022 21:57

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 19:35

I would send each and every message you have to her husband, immediately. He needs to know what's going on.

Surely he'd be happy for you to do this given they're just friends and the only issue is you're taking it the wrong way? Or does he think no one can really understand their pure friendship 🤔🙄

DrManhattan · 20/04/2022 22:01

Think you are under reacting

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 20/04/2022 22:13

Even leaving aside him texting sexually with another woman he can't have been treating you well before that for you to doubt something this obvious. I know what that feels like not to trust yourself because they've spent years gaslighting, blaming you for everything and tearing you down. None of that happens overnight, it's a long process undermining someone to this extent.

BeerLoas · 20/04/2022 22:50

Not remotely ok.

To quote Joey from friends, he’s so far past the line the line is a dot to him.

maddening · 20/04/2022 23:17

Tell him he won't mind you sharing the screen grabs with her husband if it's so innocent and it is just you being crazy

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:01

Hello all,

Tried speaking to him again today and the same story. Just friends and I'm too sensitive to the banter and I'm jealous.

He messaged her this morning regardless

OP posts:
FuckingHateRats · 21/04/2022 09:06

Have you shared the screenshots with the husband? Have you spoken to the messaging 'friend'?

I think you're under-reacting. He obviously doesn't think you're going to do anything about it, and the fact he's still messaging her is a sign of total disrespect.