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Original poster

DH friend or am I over reacting

202 replies

bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 18:42

Hello all.
Name changed.

But of history.
But friendship group all married. Ranging in age.

Found out that husband has been messaging a friend daily since before lockdown.

Messages started as daily min dance how are you etc.

Since middle of last year the messages have become flirty and sexual. Cross boundaries for sure.
He says it's an inside joke.

Also they are now daily good morning and night
Kisses on them all.
Pet names and inside jokes.
Talking about other friends and partners etc.
Photos from him not her that I can see.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.

Messages were also when he was on a lad holiday and she was in hospital.

Am I over reacting as he thinks I am and that I'm doing this to stop a friendship.

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 20/04/2022 19:01

Yeah I’d be accidentally sharing those messages with the group and her husband in particular. If it’s just innocent everyone else should laugh along too..
im sorry OP. He’s a cunt

VeganFromSveden · 20/04/2022 19:03

horribly ghastly for you.
having to re-think the rest of your life.
you may, at the moment, think that you either can or can’t live within this situation, however be prepared for those feelings to either change or accelerate.
You won’t know if you’re on foot or horseback for a while.
write your feelings down on a daily basis, it may help you evaluate.
meanwhile, gather as much support as you can - from friends , family and of course Mumsnet.
please don’t let anyone convince you that you are over or under reacting… your feelings are exclusive to you. You are entitled to your own feelings.
I wish you luck and strength and presence of mind.

TicTac80 · 20/04/2022 19:03

Is he on glue or something? This is just “friendly banter”?! He’s really done a number on you. Vile turd of a man.

I have male friends and female friends and I promise you that none of us would do that sort of “banter” with a friend. Naked pics and what sort of sexual stuff we’d do to each other?! Ugh definitely not! I wouldn’t even want to think about my friends along those lines. I would bet my house that her husband would also not think that this is just banter.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:03

One message he wrote that they are more than friends.

I did ask him and he said it's innocent he meant best friends.

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 20/04/2022 19:04

PS Hope you managed to screen shot those messages…so he doesn’t then delete them and make out that you’re making stuff up

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:06

@TicTac80
I was able to get screen grabs of some of them not all. I have confronted him, he's acting like nothing happened. And has taken the kids out.

Tbh I should of realised when he made us visit on Xmas Eve this year out of the blue.

OP posts:
FloraPostePosts · 20/04/2022 19:06

bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:00

@FloraPostePosts

I do believe they haven't been physical as none of the friendship group as met up.

The things he's said to her he's never brought up before.

Do you believe that he’s been content with flirty, sexual messages for nine months, and not done anything more? It’s quite an investment in time - he must be really besotted with her and think that it’s worth being in this for the long haul, even before he’s got his leg over.

Or is it more likely that, in fact, they HAVE met up and done more than send sexually explicit photos and messages?

He is trying to minimise this and gaslight you into thinking that it’s nothing. I’m afraid you need to have your best logical and critical thinking head on for this.

I am sorry.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:08

@FloraPostePosts
I honestly don't know but we both work from home as does her and her husband atm.

He's always had a soft spot for her. And let her get away with certain things others haven't

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 20/04/2022 19:10

This would end my marriage. I'm so sorry OP. Whenever someone says it's just banter we're just friends I think ok so where are the messages like this to friends of the sex you don't sleep with. Shirley Glass Not Just Friends is for you.

Beautifulmonster87 · 20/04/2022 19:12

bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 18:42

Hello all.
Name changed.

But of history.
But friendship group all married. Ranging in age.

Found out that husband has been messaging a friend daily since before lockdown.

Messages started as daily min dance how are you etc.

Since middle of last year the messages have become flirty and sexual. Cross boundaries for sure.
He says it's an inside joke.

Also they are now daily good morning and night
Kisses on them all.
Pet names and inside jokes.
Talking about other friends and partners etc.
Photos from him not her that I can see.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.

Messages were also when he was on a lad holiday and she was in hospital.

Am I over reacting as he thinks I am and that I'm doing this to stop a friendship.

Friends don’t say what they’d do to each other and he said at Xmas they were more than friends. That’s your answer

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:15

He wouldn't even tell her what he meant by it.

She asked him if he's thought about her when he's with me and he's said yes.

They've spoke about marriage, kids etc.

Aside from the more than friends he's called her his person. Something we've never said

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 20/04/2022 19:17

I would say you are confused about whether you're over reacting so you're going to send the messages and the naked pic to this woman's dh and some other mutual friends to see if they think you're overreacting or not.

I can bet you that will make him either see sense or at least have the grace to pretend to see the gravity of this situation. Personally I would not be able to put up with a) what he's done and b) his inability to acknowledge what he's done.

Ops1 · 20/04/2022 19:17

No op this is too far

I am in a big friendship group of married friends
some of us have been friends since we were 11
some since we were 18 some since later etc and al close but if I started messaging one of the husbands- even the ones I’m very close to things like that- I’d know I’ve crossed the line

whenever I message a husband of another Woman in the group for any reason In a private message it’s about ‘do you think your Dw would like this for her bday’ and ‘what shall I bring for the bbq’ the messages between them are not on and regardless if they are friends which I am with 3 men I would never dream of doing that it’s an afffair and there is more to this that you don’t yet know

NewtoHolland · 20/04/2022 19:20

Any reason he needed to be completely naked to show his body shape?? 🙄
Get rid OP he's being so disrespectful to you by making stupid excuses like that!

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:21

@Ops1 tbh before lockdown 1 friend made a comment about how he looks at her. Seemed silly atm. She's always been lovely to us and the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:21

@NewtoHolland he was showing his new body shape apparently.
She made a flirty comment and he acted all innocent and then said something worse.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 20/04/2022 19:25

he's being so disrespectful to you by making stupid excuses like that!

This.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:26

I would rather him be honest.
I could live with it if he admitted it and said he really fell for her. But he's saying I'm basically crazy and controlling

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 20/04/2022 19:32

I'm sorry. Kick him out. Make him realise what he's done. Is this going to end up with you or him outside the friendship group? What a head fuck.

Quartz2208 · 20/04/2022 19:32

He is having an emotional affair and is now trying to tell you that it is your fault.

You arent crazy at all

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:33

@ZenNudist me most probably. I have the least in common with them all. I'm hoping we can all stay friends.
But everyone seems to love him, he's very much the leader of that makes sense

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 19:35

I would send each and every message you have to her husband, immediately. He needs to know what's going on.

SeptemberAlexandra · 20/04/2022 19:39

He’s disrespectful beyond belief and so is she. I’d send the messages to her husband.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 19:42

She does seem to have some control over him, she says stuff most people couldn't get away with, he apologises to her, she's had a go at him and he's accepted it.
It's all ridiculous.

Her husband and I aren't close so I don't know how that would go

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 20/04/2022 19:44

Ah so because she’s his BEST friend, then the flirty and sexual messages are all ok then?! He’s nuts. I’ve got male friends who I’ve known since school. I love them to bits (they’re like brothers to me). We’ve never flirted or talked like your husband is doing.

I would be very tempted to forward these messages to the lady’s husband. I wonder how many people will like your husband (and the lady!) after this!

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