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Original poster

DH friend or am I over reacting

202 replies

bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 18:42

Hello all.
Name changed.

But of history.
But friendship group all married. Ranging in age.

Found out that husband has been messaging a friend daily since before lockdown.

Messages started as daily min dance how are you etc.

Since middle of last year the messages have become flirty and sexual. Cross boundaries for sure.
He says it's an inside joke.

Also they are now daily good morning and night
Kisses on them all.
Pet names and inside jokes.
Talking about other friends and partners etc.
Photos from him not her that I can see.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.

Messages were also when he was on a lad holiday and she was in hospital.

Am I over reacting as he thinks I am and that I'm doing this to stop a friendship.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 10:32

darlingdodo · 21/04/2022 09:51

As pps have said, I'd be asking him what he thinks the woman's DH would think if he saw the messages, and if he's still gaslighting, I'd send the messages to the OW (because that's what she is) husband. Don't tell him you're going to do it because he'll warn OW and she'll be prepared.

It'll probably cause massive fallout, but tbh, I'd be kicking the slimy toerag out anyway. Just the sheer disrespect, the gaslighting - he just wanted her to see his body shape? Aye, right. He needs a short sharp shock and telling him to piss off and you want a divorce will do it. Ughhh.

All of this - BUT NOT YET.

Do NOT 'show your hand".
He will get very nasty once he realises you have been acting on your own initiative & he can no longer make you defer to his version of events.

It was already obvious what a selfish bastard he is - but the update about him being the sole mortgagee shows what a NASTY bastard he's prepared to be.
If you step out of line (ie challenge him AT ALL) - he will act on his absolute belief that all marital asset are his, & only he gets to decide how they are allocated.

Bibbity, I cannot urge you strongly enough - LAWYER. ASAP!
You seriously need to get your rights protected. Not just for you - for the kids, who will no doubt be living with you if you divorce. (How would he find the time to parent them, what with all his steamy messaging & sneaking around his friend's wife ffs?!)

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 10:33

As far as I know they haven't been physical.

although the messages may suggest otherwise.
The sex they have spoken about is totally different to what is in out relationship. If you get me.

He is the type to purposely hand over half of everything and show how much of a good guy he is

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 10:34

I will be going to see a lawyer when the kids are back in school. As easier to get to town that way as I don't drive

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 10:35

@MerryMarigold he's never complained to me about anything.
Obviously now I know he's gone straight to her

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 10:38

He said to her he wants to be with her but that they are both in complicated circumstances

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 10:43

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 10:07

@KettrickenSmiled
Just she is my closest friend. She noticed that they were talking away from the group and he wasn't looking at her as a friend. And that it all felt off to her.
At the time I brushed it off as nothing. But she will definitely be the one who supports me and stands up for me.

Well that's a sliver lining in a cloud of hurt & misery!

But make sure your good friend is SWORN to secrecy.
The last thing you need is this blowing up on an emotional level before you have got a solid handle on the legals & practicals.

Especially without the current backing of the mortgage being in your name too. That is sortable, & quite quickly - but until it is, you donlt want DH getting wind & deciding to play silly buggers. He sounds ignorant enough (if he believes putting the house in his sole name will fly ...) to decide he will be able to sell it, or push you out, or hide other assets that you ma/may not know about.

It will be tricky as you both WFH, but when he is safely out, can you ransack the filing, & get copies of everything relevant? You might also want to put yours & kids' passports somewhere secret. Again - this isn't drama, it's risk management. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE all the ways that H will want to punish you for stepping out of line when you eventually tell him you're done, & he's welcome to his sordid flirtations. He seriously believes he can fake 100% ownership of your house, just by keeping you off the mortgage - that is a breathtakingly selfish & pre-meditated act. It will backfire on him (IF YOU LAWYER UP - NOW!), but it shows the lengths he is prepared to go to & how unfairly he is prepared to treat you.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 10:45

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 10:09

@whynotwhatknot he wouldn't sell the house at all. He would definitely keep and live in it.

Ha! He reckons ...

Unless he can afford to buy you out, he's got another think coming.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 10:56

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 10:23

He knows he could buy me out of everything, more than I could him.

He's always said if I left him he would have everything he came with (which was more than me) but he would make sure I was looked after and housed etc

Yeah, I'm sure you are well aware of the million miles between what this man SAYS & what he actually DOES, Bibbity.

When you are looking for & copying asset/bank paperwork, make sure you include anything you can find that is "solely his". I can see you being manipulated into believing that eg you only get to keep what is in YOUR bank account.

Please be very aware - it doesn't matter whose name is on the account. IT IS A MUTUAL MARITAL ASSET & your lawyer is going to want to know as much as you can find. The term "full disclose" will be bandied about at some point. It will make your H panic. He will want to conceal as much as he is able to.
So you need to get ahead of that game by finding out as much as you can BEFORE he gets even a hint of you considering a split.

& don't you DARE feel bad about it.
All YOU will be doing is fact-finding what assets are available to be shared out for you & DC. HE is the one who is sneaking & lying & gaslighting, remember? HE is the one who reckons he can but you out of the marital home. Bastard! Use the anger. Get sleuthing. Get copying. Get a lawyer NOW.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 11:03

He is the type to purposely hand over half of everything and show how much of a good guy he is

NO HE IS NOT.

He is the type to make a huge, public show & declaration of handing over "half" ... while keeping very quiet about what a bad guy he is for not declaring his savings, pension, fat sole bank account, shares ... etc.

Because it's all about the public show for him.
He likes acting moral about other people's affairs, but hides his own.
He likes being the 'leader' of your social group, but is shagging flirting with his friend's wife, while disrespecting & lying to his own.

Do not underestimate how much of a 'public angel, private shitbag' this man is Bibbety.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:08

@KettrickenSmiled you are right. That's exactly how he's being.
He made a big show of demonising a friend for looking at another person whilst in a relationship, and he's doing worse.
He acts very prim and proper and yet the language he's used is vile

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:26

So we ended up having a bit of a passive aggressive conversation.

He's basically said he will protect his children and her and not to question his priorities.

He brought up my mental health and other things. And that the kids deserve better than me as a mother.

That she was there for him and the kids when I was too busy

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2022 11:28

I really hope you're not staying with this deplorable man.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:34

He's said they haven't been physical as they are both married and he has more respect for her than to do that.
He maintains that the photo and talk was banter and friendly teasing.
He's not bothered if I leave or not. Said that's my choice.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 21/04/2022 11:34

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:26

So we ended up having a bit of a passive aggressive conversation.

He's basically said he will protect his children and her and not to question his priorities.

He brought up my mental health and other things. And that the kids deserve better than me as a mother.

That she was there for him and the kids when I was too busy

That's absolutely disgusting OP, such a disrespectful piece of shit. You don't have to put up with this, get your shit together and get away from this man

AryaStarkWolf · 21/04/2022 11:37

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:34

He's said they haven't been physical as they are both married and he has more respect for her than to do that.
He maintains that the photo and talk was banter and friendly teasing.
He's not bothered if I leave or not. Said that's my choice.

Well there's your answer, how do you come back from that? He's told you what he thinks about you and your relationship. Staying with him would be disrespecting yourself. You deserve a lot more than that OP

Quartz2208 · 21/04/2022 11:38

Are you ever allowed to question him.

I suspect there is a lot more to this that you are ready yet to say (I noticed you mentioned the sex talk was different to sex with you) and that some of your struggles are because of him and how he behaves

Your kids do have a good mother you

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:53

@Quartz2208
Tbh we rarely have any sex or any form of personal contact even a kiss goodbye.

I've had problems for years with sex drive etc and it's plummeted since the kids came.

And when we have it's been the basic stuff likes it a itch to scratch.

But he's said to her all these things he wants to do and she's teased him about what she wants him to do to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:54

I don't generally question him about anything. He's very much the leader sonyo speak

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 11:58

The sex stuff was more things that I wouldn't be comfortable doing and convinced with low sex drive.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 21/04/2022 12:00

OP the more you write, it's clear that this is a very unhappy and dysfunctional marriage. In a way, the friend is a side issue at this point. She is a symptom, not the whole disease. Your husband is a real dick.

Don't engage with him anymore. Your marriage is over.

See a lawyer next week and find out where you stand before telling him you want out though. He doesn't have some magic power over you and he'll find the law applies to him too.

Kuachui · 21/04/2022 12:00

Well hes embarressing you isnt he, disrespect at its finest. Hes taking you for a fool OP. She isnt just a friend you arnt stupid but hes obviously believing you are thats why he thinks he is getting aaway with it.

Walk away, your damaging yourself if you don't

Potentialscroogeincognito · 21/04/2022 12:03

OP you need to get angry.

What an absolute piece of shite.

I would just going eye rolly and laugh. Just say yes dear of course thats true ...

Call his bluff, ask him what he thinks everyone else will think when you let them know he had an affair and thats why your marriage ended. Tell him screenshots have been taken and the messages will speak for themself. As long as he is happy with that because at the end of the day this is an affair.
Tell him your going to speak to her husband as thats the decent thing to do, you know that you let him know that this is going on and that your husband and his wife are having an affair.
Confind in your close friend and ducks in row.
Call him out the prick.
Hes attacking you because he knows hes wrong and youve got him on the back foot. It doesnt matter how much sex you did or didnt have, hes in the wrong end of.
Oh and shes vile also.

Longdistance · 21/04/2022 12:06

I’d be contacting her dh too. See if he knows what’s going on.
I can’t believe he’d protect her? What a tosser!
id definitely be pulling the rug from under his feet.

Alleycat1 · 21/04/2022 12:13

Long-distance I would do this too, no question.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 12:15

Her husband knows they are close but that's it.

He said he will protect her and the kids as they are innocent and he won't have people being dragged into something that I've blown up.

He's said that she's the one who has been there for him and the kids and everyone knows that. And that I'm going to embarrass myself further.

I have been quite distant from the friendship group recently. Due to my mental health so I don't know what has been said.

I know that a (another) friend recently made a flirty comment at him and he shut that down straight away and messaged this other friend telling her it was inappropriate and to apologise to me

OP posts: