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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH friend or am I over reacting

202 replies

bibbitybobbitybugger · 20/04/2022 18:42

Hello all.
Name changed.

But of history.
But friendship group all married. Ranging in age.

Found out that husband has been messaging a friend daily since before lockdown.

Messages started as daily min dance how are you etc.

Since middle of last year the messages have become flirty and sexual. Cross boundaries for sure.
He says it's an inside joke.

Also they are now daily good morning and night
Kisses on them all.
Pet names and inside jokes.
Talking about other friends and partners etc.
Photos from him not her that I can see.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.

Messages were also when he was on a lad holiday and she was in hospital.

Am I over reacting as he thinks I am and that I'm doing this to stop a friendship.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 09:22

He says it's an inside joke.
Inside what - your marriage? With the actual wife outside of it? How fuckin' hilarious for them.
That is a revolting way for your H to respond to you. Not one ounce of concern for your feelings. He may as well have told you to shut up & deal with it.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.
Ouch.
Bibbity - I'm sorry he is such a callous arse.
If it helps, he has made himself into a pathetic cliche & should be ashamed of himself. You are NOT overreacting & his nasty, brazen attempt to put you on the back foot by telling you that YOU are the one in the wrong ("wanting to stop" his Beautiful Friendship, FFS) is skating horribly close to gaslighting.

Is he usually this arrogant & manipulative?
Telling you how his way is perfectly reasonable, & it's only your reactions to his behaviour which is at fault?
Does it too often feel like this? - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Sometimes it's not even the fact of the blatant affair Beautiful Friendship that does the worst damage. It's the contempt for, lies to, & character assassination of their innocent partner that kills the relationship.

Keep posting - plenty of PP here who will help you keep your head straight & hold your hand while you decide what you want to do ...
Flowers

Mooloolabababy · 21/04/2022 09:27

He's a prick. He is choosing her over you by gaslighting you in to thinking it's ok, it's definitely not ok. Even though you've told him you're not happy about it and it's upsetting you, he's still choosing to do something that he knows makes you sad. I'd be sending the screenshots to the husband and asking dh to move out. Id be messaging so called friend too, she's a shit as well.

squiller · 21/04/2022 09:32

Since this is a friendship group I’m guessing you’re also friends with her husband? I’d be informing him and ending your marriage. He’s betraying your trust and humiliating you then completely downplaying it and trying to cast you as the insecure controlling one. You’re not overreacting, your marriage was over as soon as he crossed the line with her. Sending her a naked photo of himself goes beyond crossing the line.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:39

I have said how he's gaslighting me and it's not innocent. He laughed and said if you say so.

He admitted to looking at her and her body when we've all been together but said men do that and to get over it.
She has a very different body type to me and he's said publicly that he likes her look.

I'm trying to process what to do next if I'm honest.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 09:39

Celendine · 20/04/2022 21:48

OP he's emotionally abusing you. I would advise that you get counselling for yourself and if you wish get counselling together. Good luck

I do wish people would wake up to the simple fact that COUPLES COUNSELLING IS A VERY BAD IDEA IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS.
No self-respecting professional counsellor/therapist would support it, but I see it being urged on women all the time here.

A third party is not going to come up with some magic formula to totally change an abuser into a reasonable person. Because abusers abuse. And an abuser who accepts couples counselling will only use the sessions to control the narrative, manipulate the counsellor, & gather ammunition to use against his partner. If it's a Cluster-B personality disordered abuser, this is seriously dangerous. Not all counsellors are experienced/professional enough to spot it, either.

Bibbity - NEVER go to counselling with your lying arrogant bastard husband.
Although Celendine is right in suggesting counselling for you - if you can make time/money for it. A dependable counsellor with years of experience with relationship management, boundary holding & knowledge of how to support someone potentially taking the hard decision to upend their domestic life would be a sterling addition to Team You right now.

Gowithme · 21/04/2022 09:40

I'm speechless OP, I'm so sorry that some people think it is ok to treat their partners with a total and utter lack of respect and then to try to turn it back on them and make out they are jealous and controlling. It's classic gas lighting. You say he always appears to be extremely moral and will happily cut people out of his life if they're not up to his supposedly high moral standards. Just be aware he's starting to tick a few boxes for narcissism there.

Mybestyear · 21/04/2022 09:41

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:01

Hello all,

Tried speaking to him again today and the same story. Just friends and I'm too sensitive to the banter and I'm jealous.

He messaged her this morning regardless

Sorry you are going through this OP. To be honest, him still messaging her despite you finding out says one of two things. 1). he's trying to style it out by keeping on doing it as if he's done nothing wrong 2) he's really fallen for her and can't bear to give up their messaging. Either one would be the end of the relationship for me. He doesn't give a toss about you.

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:42

@KettrickenSmiled thank you. I have seen a counsellor before so will arrange another one.

He would never of gone anyway. Doesn't agree with them. Which in a sick way is why they started messaging each other. She would listen to his rants and complaints and try and help. At the beginning she even defended me but slowly she's sided with him in everything

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/04/2022 09:42

Yes he is picking her over you - and it doesnt matter even if it was banter (it isnt) or you were being too sensitive (you arent) you are his wife and your feelings should be ahead of this relationship.

But they arent - he is prioritising her. Which means your relationship I think for you is over because you arent number 1.

Does her partner know?

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:44

He said she is a priority. And he's told her in messsges that she is very important to him and more than a friend.

He's always been the one people went to with problems and would always "do the right thing"

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:44

@Mybestyear he didn't say anything about me. Just "good morning how are you? Sleep ok? Xxxx"

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 21/04/2022 09:45

Is this a wind-up? He's said they're more than just friends and you're wondering if you're overreacting?

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:46

Not a wind up.
He's always been an all in guy. And when she questioned what he meant he wouldn't answer.

I know I'm blinded and should of seen this coming.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 21/04/2022 09:47

This is not by any standards an ordinary 'friendship' or 'an inside joke'. He is sexting with another woman and now he's gaslighting you into thinking this is fine. It is not fine. Leave him.

Quartz2208 · 21/04/2022 09:48

Why are you being so passive about this? You do have the right to make choices and decisions here

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:48

She had messaged him before telling him to walk away from her no hard feelings and he said he couldn't and wouldn't.

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for her but he sold her a dream

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:50

@Quartz2208 I'm waiting for the kids to go back to school next week and then I can start thinking about what to do. We both WFH so very awkward atm.
I'm not passive about it but slightly stuck atm and have a lot to go through with regards to leaving.
The house is in his name only so need to sort that first

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:51

@10HailMarys there was innuendo and flirting l, I didn't see any actual full on sexting though.

Mainly what would happen, and her winding him up saying things.
He had a sport injury so you can imagine

OP posts:
darlingdodo · 21/04/2022 09:51

As pps have said, I'd be asking him what he thinks the woman's DH would think if he saw the messages, and if he's still gaslighting, I'd send the messages to the OW (because that's what she is) husband. Don't tell him you're going to do it because he'll warn OW and she'll be prepared.

It'll probably cause massive fallout, but tbh, I'd be kicking the slimy toerag out anyway. Just the sheer disrespect, the gaslighting - he just wanted her to see his body shape? Aye, right. He needs a short sharp shock and telling him to piss off and you want a divorce will do it. Ughhh.

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/04/2022 09:54

Don't get upset. He is not worth your emotions.
Get practical.
When he goes out gather all the financial information about him/the house that you can.
Contact a divorce lawyer.
Tell him that you want a divorce.

Quartz2208 · 21/04/2022 09:54

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:50

@Quartz2208 I'm waiting for the kids to go back to school next week and then I can start thinking about what to do. We both WFH so very awkward atm.
I'm not passive about it but slightly stuck atm and have a lot to go through with regards to leaving.
The house is in his name only so need to sort that first

You are married though - so in his name (whose choice was that an odd one for a man who prides himself on always doing the right thing) doesnt matter.

I would start with some legal advice and getting your rights to the house sorted.

If that is the decision I would move away now from saying anything until you have that in place

Original poster
bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:58

He paid for the house so he put it in his name only, he said it was so that if anything happened the kids would have something.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 21/04/2022 09:59

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:51

@10HailMarys there was innuendo and flirting l, I didn't see any actual full on sexting though.

Mainly what would happen, and her winding him up saying things.
He had a sport injury so you can imagine

Yes, but there was also this: She had messaged him before telling him to walk away from her no hard feelings and he said he couldn't and wouldn't

That is not an innocent friendship, clearly.

Echobelly · 21/04/2022 10:02

Not overreacting. Flirtatious comments might reasonably be a 'personal joke' behaviour between ifriends who messaged each other every few months or something, but with a daily conversation it is just flirtation.

Quartz2208 · 21/04/2022 10:03

bibbitybobbitybugger · 21/04/2022 09:58

He paid for the house so he put it in his name only, he said it was so that if anything happened the kids would have something.

But you are married right so you do have rights to it.

Look at that though - what is he saying? Because if anything did happen what does it matter if your name was on it for the children.

Does he have a will then in effect cutting you out?

I suspect that this may well open your eyes to other things that you have been putting up with over the years but this certainly isnt a man who does the right thing - just one who judges everyone else