Excuse me Bibbety - your H is a cunt.
This is absolutely "The Script" I mentioned above. Please see the ChumpLady link I provided to it. One of the greatest things about Chump Lady is how she uses her anger & astonishing sense of humour to get through it - & get her fellow "chumps" angry enough to act in their own best interests, while dealing with the pain by finding a way to laugh at some of it.
Here is another link to her site. Please read it & use it for info/support/relief ... while you very firmly resolve not to do the "Pick-Me Dance" your H would love to see you humiliate yourself with.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
Another aspect to this is becoming increasingly clear - his ego & public image management.
He's said they haven't been physical as they are both married and he has more respect for her than to do that.
Bullshit! he's just minimising, with a side helping of getting in a painful little goad to you about his "respect" for an OW.
Tempting to ask him how his "respect" for OW's DH manifests, innit? You know - this oblivious cuckold he has made out of a man he calls his friend ...
(but don't do that. You are keeping your head down now, remember? Allowing him to think that you are buying his bullshit & are still the placid downtrodden little wife ...)
He's basically said he will protect his children and her and not to question his priorities.
Fuckwit has forgotten they are YOUR children too.
Fuckwit thinks he is the boss of you.
Fuckwit does not like to be challenged, does he?
Fuckwit is presenting an image of this noble affair-haver, who has So Much Respect For His OW So Isn't Shagging Her (chinny reckon), & any accusations of physical contact with her will shatter his illusion that sexting another man's wife while married himself a bit of banter is 'normal' & acceptable.
He brought up my mental health and other things. And that the kids deserve better than me as a mother.
Gaslighting cuntery.
Don't believe a word of it.
He is just undermining you,. Punishing you for daring to question him.
Your kids have the benefit of a non-arsehole in one parent - you. I'll bet he doesn't 'parent' his kids - they are accessories, props in his Family Man Of The Year Show, no? While YOU do all the actual grunt work.
That she was there for him and the kids when I was too busy
ha ha ha ha ha. Not.
Busy - what? Working? Mothering? Running the household?
"There for him" my arse. When has he ever been "there for you"?
I don't generally question him about anything. He's very much the leader sonyo speak
Which is why I want you to be very clever & careful Bibbity - he is used to unquestioning acceptance, & any deviation from that will make him angry. Look at how he is punishing YOU for HIS affair already.
Look at those outrageously nasty things he said to you. Remember he is a liar, he believes he is entitled to 100% control & decision-making, so please .... start acting NOW like you are backing down & accepting his story.
You can have all the pleasure & catharsis of letting rip AFTER you have had a few appointments with your lawyer & have legal protection in place about the house etc.
Here is another link for you to consider when you have time to ruminate (& safely browse without interference).
H's traits are so marked at this point that even PP who don't know him are picking up on it. It's bandied about on here a lot, & while nobody needs to pretend they can diagnose - it is going to be very useful to you to read up on the characteristics & behaviours of narcissism. Whether he is a narc or not is beside the point - the point is, knowledge is power, & some background reading is going to help inform you about how he is going to act & respond to you. Forewarned is forearmed ...
Link follows, because I reckon your H has many traits associated with COVERT narcissism. The need for a public persona, the need to be perceived as 'leader', the demand that his wife submit unquestioningly to his version of events - no matter how ridiculous & self-serving his story. His willingness to lash out verbally at you, to hurt you for daring to question his 'Beautiful Friendship' ... he is training you to shut up, or he will cause you emotional pain. He knows just how to wound you. Think on ... how many years has he been training/wounding you like this? It must be several, for you to have become so ground down you no longer question his 'authority' ...
He even has the fucking temerity to inform you that you are over-sensitive & his affair is acceptable to him, so it ought to be acceptable to you. He does not give a shit about your feelings my dear. You must not believe a single word that comes out of his bullshitting mouth about "priorities" or "protecting the kids". His ego is the only thing that is important to him.
Read on here ... www.drgeorgesimon.com/covert-personalities-and-personality-disorders/
... recognise anyone ...?