DH friend or am I over reacting

[bibbitybobbitybugger]

Hello all.
Name changed.

But of history.
But friendship group all married. Ranging in age.

Found out that husband has been messaging a friend daily since before lockdown.

Messages started as daily min dance how are you etc.

Since middle of last year the messages have become flirty and sexual. Cross boundaries for sure.
He says it's an inside joke.

Also they are now daily good morning and night
Kisses on them all.
Pet names and inside jokes.
Talking about other friends and partners etc.
Photos from him not her that I can see.

And he's said to her at Christmas that they are more than friends.

Messages were also when he was on a lad holiday and she was in hospital.

Am I over reacting as he thinks I am and that I'm doing this to stop a friendship.

He said he never wants to think he has hurt her in any way and wouldn't leave her.
He called her his person and that he loved her

Bibbity, upthread you mentioned another friend in the group had commented on how H looks at OW. How do you feel about this friend - are you close? Is s/he trustworthy? Is there opportunity for emotional & moral support from them, if you chose to disclose how .... inappropriate H & OW are being?

If that doesn't feel like a good idea, what about your own personal circle? Do you have a close friend separate from this group, or a trusted relative?
You need to have someone in real life on your team now. Someone who can help counter the horrible messages your H is selling you that he's doing nothing wrong & you are "too sensitive" "don't understand banter" & "jealous".
You need some emotional support while you lie low & plan.
Please bite the bullet & choose the most discreet & reasonable person to tell the truth to. Being lied to, dismissed, patronised & manipulated like this is a headfuck & you need someone solid on Team Bibbity.

As to practical support - how can we, & your real life friends, help you decide what you want to do?
You have DC - how old? What are the domestic logistics - do you rent or own? Do you work outside the home? Does H have a pension, & do you? What are the marital assets, & can you access all of the bank accounts (assuming you know about all of them ...). Will you be able to support yourself & DC in a solo household?

When you are ready ... & when you are, I URGE you to keep your head down & do this absolutely on the quiet ... find a red hot divorce lawyer.
I'm not saying LTB - but knowledge is power, & you seriously need to know what your options are. Accessing facts & gathering data will also give you a small sense of control, which will help your state of mind right now. But do NOT let him know what you are doing.

Keep your cards close to your chest.
Tempting as it is to text the group/OW's H along the lines of ... "H says I'm being silly & jealous & there's nothing wrong with sexting somebody else's wife ... & that everyone else would be comfortable with it so I should be too - are these texts normal?"
HOLD YOUR FIRE until you have made copies of all financial/asset documentation, & seen a very, very good lawyer.
Until then ... let H imagine his bullshit has finally worked & that you 'accept' his 'friendship'.
Let all the thinking, planning, & work you will be doing behind the scenes give you the strength to get through the next few days.

Keep posting. You are not over-reacting, & you don't need to stay in a relationship where you are mistreated like this. But in your own sweet time, huh?

thats bollocks he could have jsut made a will

go and see a solicitor get some advice about the house think you can put a notice on it that he cant sell without your permission

@KettrickenSmiled
Just she is my closest friend. She noticed that they were talking away from the group and he wasn't looking at her as a friend. And that it all felt off to her.
At the time I brushed it off as nothing. But she will definitely be the one who supports me and stands up for me.

@whynotwhatknot he wouldn't sell the house at all. He would definitely keep and live in it.

@KettrickenSmiled we have 3 children primary and high school age.
Own the house - his name only.
Both WFH atm but that should be changing shortly.

Luckily I would be able to support myself alone

Separate bank accounts

Which in a sick way is why they started messaging each other. She would listen to his rants and complaints and try and help. At the beginning she even defended me but slowly she's sided with him in everything

Ah. Oh shit.
Brace yourself Bibbity - he is concocting the standard "my wife doesn't understand me" & has probably already moved onto the "my crazy wife who I am a saint to put up with" narrative.
AND SHE IS COLLUDING.
Of course she is! - it will be how she justifies her sleazy behaviour to herself.

Sorry how much that hurts, but the sooner you take it on board the sooner you can start taking steps to deal with it. It is 100% "The Script" - the classic, tired old bullshit that cheaters use against the partners they are betraying.
However ... please take comfort from Chump Lady, because you are not alone.
Here's a link, & when you are feeling low, confused, & hurt, a wander around the site will help - www.chumplady.com/2020/06/do-cheaters-all-work-from-the-same-script-2/

well he cant just demand he lives in it thats not how it works-he either has to buy you out or sell it

He wouldnt necessarily have a choice OP - you are married, bought when married it is a joint asset. Does he always make the decisions

I have to say from reading your posts I dont think how he has been with these messages and gaslighting you is a one off - I suspect it is all through your relationship and there has been this kind of behaviour throughout.

I would tread very carefully - I think his image of being right is a carefully cultivated one and if you push too much before you are ready it could get nasty very fast.

Legal advice - get your rights to the house straight away and start the process of leaving. And get yourself prepared mentally for what is coming

How are finances shared - does he have more money. I cannot imagine it is shrared.

I see it is separate - yes that is to be expected. I am so sorry OP because I think some realisations about your relationship may well be on the cards for you and exactly how uneven it has been all this time

@KettrickenSmiled
We were never close so whatever he's told her she would probably believe.
I know he's said stuff about me to her, but I don't know what.
At first she did take my side but for some reason she agrees with him now.

She has another different social circle away from this friend group

He could easily buy me out with regards to the house.

Separate banks and I have no access to his. Although he will pay for all the household things.

I've never noticed anything before but as you said now the blinkers are off. I'm starting to question things.

They always managed to bump into each other in town etc

You are definitely NOT overreacting.
Sorry this has happened to you OP.

@Quartz2208

the man who writes those messages isn't the man I'm married to if that makes sense.

Some of the things he says I would never of thought would come from him.

So he's legally illiterate as well as morally incompetent?
He can fuck right off with his self-serving "it's for the kids" bullshit.

How does he justify this idiotic reasoning? The kids have 2 parents. I am starting to side with the PP above who hinted at possible narcissism traits.

Anyhoo - a good lawyer will soon put him straight. But NOT YET.
Given this nasty update, it's obvious that he believes he 'owns' all the assets & that it's his sole decision what happens with them.

I hope you are able to spend a few minutes this morning simply luxuriating in the fabulous daydream of his frustration & outrage when he finds out that he can't manipulate & control the law like he does his wife.

You know that the house, & EVERYTHING ELSE "he" owns, belongsto you too, & that at a starting point in a divorce, you are entitled to AT LEAST 50%, no?

Get angry OP.
But don't let him see your anger.
Start building your own little personal fire of rage inside you, & use it to propel you into the practical info-gathering & a lawyer's office. You NEED to establish what your financials could look like should you choose to leave him to his ego & OW.

@mycatisannoying thank you

She would listen to his rants and complaints

This set off alarm bells for me. Does he put you down a lot to you? Does he complain and rant directly to you as well. This, and him still texting her, show a complete disregard for you which I think is very telling off how he treats you generally.

OP, you have many rights. Please don't let him undermine those by undermining your confidence or your very justified anger. There are people with experience here when it comes to children, house, finances, solicitors. Lean on them for support. He definitely does not get to dictate the conditions of a separation.

He knows he could buy me out of everything, more than I could him.

He's always said if I left him he would have everything he came with (which was more than me) but he would make sure I was looked after and housed etc

He doesn't complain or rant to me about anything. Mostly silent treatment

I think the message DO come from the man you are married to. I think with all of the decisions he has made it has always been him. He just managed to hide it from you all this time - and I suspect has made quite a few things to be YOU rather than him.

Get angry OP.
But don't let him see your anger.
Start building your own little personal fire of rage inside you, & use it to propel you into the practical info-gathering & a lawyer's office. You NEED to establish what your financials could look like should you choose to leave him to his ego & OW.

I agree with all of this. The narrative of your relationship and the man he is has been set by him all of this time. You need time I think to get a handle on that and all of this. And to recognise that 50% of everything is YOURS. Can he really buy you out of 50% of the equity.

I would start with some legal advice and getting your rights to the house sorted.

@Quartz2208 is right.
I hope wise PP will be along in the minute to confirm the terminology & process - but in this situation (marriage licence & kids, but sole mortgagee) there is something like an "occupation order" (don't quote me!) which will guarantee that he cannot sell the house out from under your feet & pocket the cash. Also that he cannot threaten you with 'eviction' etc.

I'm not being dramatic btw - it happens. And he's shown his hand already as a sneaky fucker.

Can you get some recommendations for a seriously shit hot lawyer?

I'd contact the OWs husband telling him they are having an affair and he should check the OWs phone. If it's so innocent I'm sure your DH wouldn't mind. When he inevitably gets angry ask him why - his messages are supposedly so innocent.

Mostly silent treatment

That's the worst kind of criticism. OP, he's not a nice man.

This is not on and he knows it.Hes like lots of men wanting his cake and eating it .Her for sex and stoking his ego .You waiting at home .You need to tell him straight face to face .Meanwhile look up Solicitors and see where you stand .His ardour may soon wear off if he loses half his assets!