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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 19:10

What if he said he’d take his DS out of school so that he could come?

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:15

@FairyCakeWings

What if he said he’d take his DS out of school so that he could come?
His mum would never allow that and it would still mean we had a child with us loads older than the others so would change the dynamic.
OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 19/04/2022 19:16

Suggest to him that if he wants a big family holiday he can arrange it himself. You don't mind going twice, do you? You and your friend can have yours in honour of your birthday, and he can host a family extravaganza as well.

CarmenThePanda · 19/04/2022 19:18

Would you be away for your actual birthday?

I can see why you would say it is happening out of peak school hold time, but it feels really odd to plan a birthday celebration event that excludes your DH and your step child, and prioritises your friend over your DH and your step child.

I don’t see the big deal with taking your step child.

Re-work this as a Mums and Kids holiday, and do something that your DH and your step child can participate in for your birthday.

Sirzy · 19/04/2022 19:18

I would say he is welcome but only on the dates you have chosen which fit. Then it’s up to your DH and his ex to sort from there.

Randomname85 · 19/04/2022 19:19

it would still mean we had a child with us loads older than the others so would change the dynamic.

I don’t really understand the issue here - what dynamic? Why wouldn’t small children get on perfectly well with a 10 year old? If the genuine reason is because you don’t want to go in school holidays and won’t budge on that then that makes sense but it sounds like you’re being a hit mean about DSS 🙈 May have misunderstood.

Dameputtingonabraveface · 19/04/2022 19:21

Tell DH to arrange something in school holidays separately for you all if this is what he wants. This is a trip with your friend and your children- they are not being excluded, it has never been planned as the type of trip he is proposing.

MarinoRoyale · 19/04/2022 19:22

Well it already is going to be a family holiday if you originally intended your DH and the child you have together to come. So it just sounds like you want to exclude your DSS.

Rewis · 19/04/2022 19:22

Why wouldn’t small children get on perfectly well with a 10 year old?

I'm guessing she means that 10yo enjoys different activities than under 4yo.

Annasgirl · 19/04/2022 19:22

YANBU. Go with your friend, her DC and yours. Your DH can do something special with his DS if he feels he needs to. Why on earth is he trying to guilt trip you into taking a 10 year old on a big birthday holiday?

Ducksurprise · 19/04/2022 19:23

Ignore the disingenuous, of course entertaining a 10 year old is different to a toddler/not 10 year old

Agree have another holiday with the family.

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 19:24

I would find it strange to go on a once in a lifetime holiday with a friend rather than your family.

Will your small DC actually appreciate such a holiday, would your DH and DSS like that sort of holiday more?

Rewis · 19/04/2022 19:24

Cab you do a separate family holidaying addition to this holiday? Is your friends partner coming? Is your husband planning on doing 10yo activities while you and your friend do your kids age activities?

Catflapkitkat · 19/04/2022 19:25

I think the going twice is a brilliant idea. Sell to him that you and friend have been promising this to each other for yonks. You just want a girlie trip away but you :LL be more than happy for a big family holiday too id he arranges it

Hohoholymoley · 19/04/2022 19:25

Sorry but excluding your step son would be an awful thing to do. He's part of your family not your wider family.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 19:26

You're absolutely fine. He is just lazy and can't be bothered to sort something out so is trying to piggyback your idea.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 19:27

@Hohoholymoley

Sorry but excluding your step son would be an awful thing to do. He's part of your family not your wider family.
It's not excluding them. It just isn't something they can be included on due to school holiday dates
DuchessofAnkh22 · 19/04/2022 19:28

Is this Disney?

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 19:28

Its not exactly a once in a lifetime holiday if you go twice!

purpledagger · 19/04/2022 19:29

Your post reads to me that you are purposely putting barriers in the way - school holidays, age difference, doesn't know your friend etc. none of these are insurmountable.

Just go with your friend and DC, leave partners behind and plan a family holiday.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:30

@Rewis

Why wouldn’t small children get on perfectly well with a 10 year old?

I'm guessing she means that 10yo enjoys different activities than under 4yo.

Yes this is what I mean.
OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:31

We do tend to go away in summer anyway and I imagine we'll still do that. It wouldn't be on this level but that's what's once in a life time about it.

No my birthday isn't likely to be whilst we are away though I don't see why it would matter. My birthday isn't a huge deal to DSS 🤣

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 19/04/2022 19:32

It's not like you are insisting your dh goes, you are happy to go without him so yanbu. And a 10yo vs under 5yo - of course there's a massive difference. I don't think yabu at all op.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/04/2022 19:33

I'd just go with your friend and keep it simple no kids. Then do a family holiday another time.

It would seem like you're excluding the dss.

Iflyaway · 19/04/2022 19:33

Tell him it's a girl's holiday.

Sorted.

He should be open to that.

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